Reach the sky;

Saturday, September 27, 2008

How long has it been. 2 weeks? Felt like forever, still does.

For the past 2 weeks I've been caught in this vicious cycle of, pretty much, little purpose in life. Wake up, I think of studying. After school, I think of studying. Before I sleep, I think of studying. Yes, God did not manage to fit in to the busy schedule. If anything right now, I'm guilty. But still stuck.

It's not like I haven't felt the voice inside gently prompting me. Yet, I think those prompts were pretty much screams in its own right. Like screaming: "DON'T DO IT! DON'T put the BOOK(yes I mean the books. What the world has come to...) in front of GOD!" But then, do I choose to listen? Nope. I'm the moron that just loves to play deaf(maybe that's why I can't hear very well).

So moving on, ever since the chem paper ended, I've been pretty much slacking. Like, it's lit, and I know I've got to form all the links and everything by Monday. But I'm just so distracted.I look at the computer, and I think: ARGH! 1 week still... 2 more to go... I need a break(and so Hui Min keeps telling me) but I can't afford any. And as a result? I keep thinking about it all. How I despise studying, how I must study, and how I wish I could stop.

The week before as I frantically mug away for the EOYS(I blame it on Geog. Mrs Sheepforest's 3 miserable chapters was a good description. It sure made me miserable.) I slept at 12 or later every night, got up at 6 every morning, and then the same thing would happen again. I was so caught up in my own world, I didn't stop to read the bible even for that few minutes that I could have. Then on Sunday night, you could say I was 抱佛脚-ing and all, but at least I did. I decided to go back to God, and spend whatever time I had left. And so I was brought to the verses:

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord. ~ Proverbs 21:31

What on earth was I thinking? Mugging away like some mad person, but then, if it isn't according to God's plan, I'd just be wasting all that effort. Sure when you study you do better than if you didn't, but if God isn't with you on that plan, what's the point? Get a good job, get paid good, but then what good does it do? What we store up on Earth can't follow us to heaven or hell, whichever it is.

From then on, I tried to get my life back on track. Not that it's going very smoothly. Still bumpy, but better. Still far, but nearer. Almost a week later, yesterday night, another verse.

"Tell me you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday, why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flock of your friends?" ~ Song of Songs 1:7

I recalled the incident last week(or was it Monday?). It was Chinese lesson and because we weren't allowed to study cos' the teach finally got pissed after a whole term, me, Ler Yee, Jing, Hui Min, and Ahmad(new addition like... since that day and that day only) were have our not-so-secret gathering of the noisy. And somehow, me Ler Yee and Jing seemed to be on the topic of church life(boring Hui Min I think. Or at least leaving her out. My bad.) and then they went on about something like "Xi wen is passionate for Christ." and that's when I did it. I denied God. at least I feel like I did. What they said, perhaps it was true a few weeks back, but there and then, it was certainly false. I was NOT near Him at all. How can you count, someone who has neglected God by not even stopping to spend time with him, passionate for Christ? It was just wrong. When someone says something good about you, but you know it ain't true, well, simply put, the feeling sucked.

Moving back to the dilemma of how I'm still darned distracted, today, I spent 3 hours idling away my time. On the computer, apparently studying(although we all know that was only 10%). And then, halfway through, I was contemplating the idea of not going to church once more(just like last week) and my crappy excuse was? Nah. Don't wanna' go. Too busy. Got to study. When obviously I was listening to music. But then I thought of something(Oh gosh, this post is a roller coaster in no order. This train of thought is quite simply, a train wreck. If my essay is like this, I'm getting a 5 out of 25).

Last week, I didn't go for church service. I actually was already to leave the house. Then on my way out of the gate, I got into a fight. With none other than my Mom. Brilliant. It was the old problem back again. Guess I never really got rid of it. It always seem to come back. Anyways, so I got in a fight, and I pretty much was desperate to get out. But then she went: "If you leave the house in such a rude manner, don't come back!" You know, the people I see, many of them have little flaws I can see. But me, I'm like Swiss cheese. Full of holes. One of them has been labelled "impulse" and another, "pride". So I stopped, ripped off my shoes, and stormed back in before shutting myself in my cave of a room. I don't remember what I fought over. Then again, I don't remember much anymore.

So anyways, that was just the preface. What I remembered was Davelle's messages. On Monday night, before Round 1 of EOYS began, she messaged me. On the Sunday of the week I went missing from church, she apparently noticed my absence. And then we got into this round of half concern, half garbage talk(garbage is actually healthy once in awhile). And somehow, we ended off after her telling me to read Nehemiah 1-6, with me telling her when my exams were. So, the night before it all began, as I left off earlier, she messaged me this:

"Hope you aren't still awake cuz it's rlly late, but all the best for your exams! Don't be stressed k. Trust in God He'll definitely bring you thru. GO XIWEN! :D"

and before that

"You still have one more yr before the real test so do your best but don't get too stressed k. I'll be praying for you."

I'm amazed at how the simplest of acts can hit a person so hard. I never imagined her to remember. Figured it was one of those generic questions one would ask at this time of the year. And she did it at 2 am. God knows what she was doing. Watching some Man Utd match I figure.

So I decided to go. We have finally reached the present day/night. Congratulations, you have just made it out of long long long paragraphs of a few incidents in 1 week.

Worship was... wrong. Like, I was wrong. Heart of worship just wasn't there. And the people around me noticed it(go figure who if you're bored enough). The words didn't come from the bottom of my heart. They just... were words. Nothing else. And the act of raising up your hands. I knew what lifting your hands meant. And I knew I couldn't do it. To surrender. How hard that was in itself. I mean, I tried, but it all seemed wrong, like I'm acting in a show I got the wrong role for. So I was like, trying, and stopping, and trying again. And Davelle kept asking me if I was stressed. Not that I gave a clear answer.

Service. It was about Growing Deeper in God. The main passage:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit. while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me and you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is my father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." ~ John 15:1-8

Summing it all up, the stuff that I fail to do are:

1. Serving God with whatever I have.
2. Putting God first in everything I do, everyday of my life.
3. Commit to desire to grow in knowledge and in heart. (Oh I do the desire just fine. But that alone with no action is useless.)
4. Submitting to God.
5. Giving honour to him in my speech and attitude.
6. Be willing to listen and take up the challenge.
7. Forcing myself out of the comfort zone.

Wow. Danged long list. All revealed in the span of hmms... a couple of hours. Imagine if service were to last a school day... Never mind. I don't want to.

So, altar call. I responded, but I don't know to what. Everything I guess. Usually there's one point my mind focuses on. But not today. I just knew I had to. You could call it exaggerating, cos' I wouldn't be surprised if I had went bonkers last week. But I think I was trembling. Not in the quaky-gonna'-faint way. More of the there's-a-mini-earthquake-in-me-from-my-legs-up way. Then P.Gary said something about "You know you've been called..." and it got worse. Evolved into a grenades-are-being-thrown-around-your-heart kind of trembling.

Maybe I'm just going mad. Like a state of confusion(I am remind of Hermia. Eww.... and Helena... Eww-er...). I don't know. But one thing's for sure. It's amazing how God can be so faithful to you, willing to pour blessings on you, even though you were being the idiot that runs away and avoids him. Even though you were the unfaithful one. I can attest to it. Cos' thus far, EOYS has been good. Save for maybe Chinese.

Amazing as well, that God sends such things when you're in a deep state of pondering over it all, through people you've not spoken to in ages too.

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask for the square footage of your house. He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet. He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5. God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6. God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7. God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived. He'll ask how you treated your neighbours.

8. God won't ask about the colour of your skin. He'll ask about the content of your character.

9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of hell.

Before I left for the bus stop, for the i-don't-know-how-many-time, Davelle asked me again, if I was stressed. Haha. I thought it was funny. I can't give a straight answer because I. Don't. Know. I feel stressed, and not stressed. Contradictory. I know. I just know something's a lil'(Ok maybe a lot.) off somewhere. I still don't know what though. Even after thinking for a good 2 hours. The answers still aren't there. I guess I'll only find out in time what it actually is. Hopefully sooner than later.

Writing this, I guess I needed the means of actually thinking. Some would say such things are best written in paper, but I don't fancy the idea of writing all that much considering I'll be doing plenty of that in the next 2 weeks. Might as well type my fill of it all right now, while I'm still thinking. Besides, I think it's 2 hours well spent instead of making a futile attempt at MSND. But I'll end here. Blogger is giving me auto save errors already. I doubt anyone would have reached this part of my post anyways. It's far too long.

Ending off, to Davelle(although I hope you don't read this cos' your O's are in like... 2 weeks):

Thanks for being there and noticing the things that In probably wouldn't have paid much attention to myself. Gosh, I love my SPs. They rock. And above all, thanks for remembering.

“The wind played with my hair at 9:13 PM”

about me

Name: Lim Xiwen
Age: 16
Birthday: 17th April 1993

Proud member of Sec 4 Unity 09'
IGNYTER

wishlist

1. Grow in God
2. Grow taller
3. More time
4. More self-control
5. To learn how to bar
6. Fufil my resolutions
7. Leave a legacy
8. Improve in football

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Xiyuan
Puisan
Chloe Tan
Leryee
Ben(avon)
Davelle
Michelle Fam
Tingyan
Eudee
Weijie