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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I don't think I wanna' be ending off the blog for a while with a super long emo post.I LOVE ORANGES!!!! They're one of the best. So juicy. YUM YUM. All good fruits must be juicy I tell ya'. And, they're relatively available. Although it seems my stock supply has run down to 2 good oranges left. I shall be getting my Mom to get more them. ORANGES! Ok yes. Ad for my orange blobs of juice is done. As you can see, I can't seem to stay away from the i-can't-be-bothered-to-study-anymore mood. I'll have to force my butt into study mode tomorrow before the Physics paper, and then after that, a desperate attempt at passing SS so I don't pull down my hopefully a1 for geog which I worked my butt off for. After that, maybe a lil' AM and minimal lit, then.... But, still a ways off. I'm having severe withdrawal symptoms from not playing any form of sports. It's been far too long. I told my dad I wanted to go kayaking, and he agreed. But I must say I'm fearful of the idea that I think we're gonna' collapse a million times if we're on the same boat. I don't think I need to give a picture. Yesterday, while I was slacking around the house(I still am actually), my bro was trying to act macho, and was trying to clap push-ups, which obviously didn't work cos' he can't even do guy push-ups. So while I was watching him look silly, my dad came(I was having visions of earthquakes and flattened faces) and was like: "Come. I show you how to do clap push-ups." Creepy. Yes he succeeded. I gave him the ego boost. He was like: "So long never do already. Dear ah, I can still do clap push-ups eh!" and "See Xi Wen? I'm still very muscular ok!". So, I decided to try. Yes I was being geh kiang. After I clapped, I landed on my elbows. AHHHHH. Now I have a bruise on my elbow... Why is it the round blobby can do it and not me! I aim to do at least 1 by the end of October!!!!!!! My dad, still full of ego, was going: "BOUNCE! Use your strength to bounce up!" I am NOT a kangaroo. I suppose you'd have figured it out, but I'm obviously not studying physics at the moment. So in an attempt, I shall now face the books. I've got so many other things to say, a lil' more about the garbage happenings in my house, the dim light from the door on the other side of my mind, so many things. So little time. I miss the times where I can actually afford to climb out on the ledge of my house and just stare into the forest. So I guess until then, I'll have to make do with the train ride this Sunday again. So there, I'll be off now. Got 1 hour to do as much physics left(so not reaching the goal of finishing physics today) then there's 2 hours of stone and think time. Ironic how I like to think, but not about studying. Oh wait, now I've got half an hour left. Brilliant. Saturday, September 27, 2008
How long has it been. 2 weeks? Felt like forever, still does.For the past 2 weeks I've been caught in this vicious cycle of, pretty much, little purpose in life. Wake up, I think of studying. After school, I think of studying. Before I sleep, I think of studying. Yes, God did not manage to fit in to the busy schedule. If anything right now, I'm guilty. But still stuck. It's not like I haven't felt the voice inside gently prompting me. Yet, I think those prompts were pretty much screams in its own right. Like screaming: "DON'T DO IT! DON'T put the BOOK(yes I mean the books. What the world has come to...) in front of GOD!" But then, do I choose to listen? Nope. I'm the moron that just loves to play deaf(maybe that's why I can't hear very well). So moving on, ever since the chem paper ended, I've been pretty much slacking. Like, it's lit, and I know I've got to form all the links and everything by Monday. But I'm just so distracted.I look at the computer, and I think: ARGH! 1 week still... 2 more to go... I need a break(and so Hui Min keeps telling me) but I can't afford any. And as a result? I keep thinking about it all. How I despise studying, how I must study, and how I wish I could stop. The week before as I frantically mug away for the EOYS(I blame it on Geog. Mrs Sheepforest's 3 miserable chapters was a good description. It sure made me miserable.) I slept at 12 or later every night, got up at 6 every morning, and then the same thing would happen again. I was so caught up in my own world, I didn't stop to read the bible even for that few minutes that I could have. Then on Sunday night, you could say I was 抱佛脚-ing and all, but at least I did. I decided to go back to God, and spend whatever time I had left. And so I was brought to the verses: "The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord. ~ Proverbs 21:31 What on earth was I thinking? Mugging away like some mad person, but then, if it isn't according to God's plan, I'd just be wasting all that effort. Sure when you study you do better than if you didn't, but if God isn't with you on that plan, what's the point? Get a good job, get paid good, but then what good does it do? What we store up on Earth can't follow us to heaven or hell, whichever it is. From then on, I tried to get my life back on track. Not that it's going very smoothly. Still bumpy, but better. Still far, but nearer. Almost a week later, yesterday night, another verse. "Tell me you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday, why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flock of your friends?" ~ Song of Songs 1:7 I recalled the incident last week(or was it Monday?). It was Chinese lesson and because we weren't allowed to study cos' the teach finally got pissed after a whole term, me, Ler Yee, Jing, Hui Min, and Ahmad(new addition like... since that day and that day only) were have our not-so-secret gathering of the noisy. And somehow, me Ler Yee and Jing seemed to be on the topic of church life(boring Hui Min I think. Or at least leaving her out. My bad.) and then they went on about something like "Xi wen is passionate for Christ." and that's when I did it. I denied God. at least I feel like I did. What they said, perhaps it was true a few weeks back, but there and then, it was certainly false. I was NOT near Him at all. How can you count, someone who has neglected God by not even stopping to spend time with him, passionate for Christ? It was just wrong. When someone says something good about you, but you know it ain't true, well, simply put, the feeling sucked. Moving back to the dilemma of how I'm still darned distracted, today, I spent 3 hours idling away my time. On the computer, apparently studying(although we all know that was only 10%). And then, halfway through, I was contemplating the idea of not going to church once more(just like last week) and my crappy excuse was? Nah. Don't wanna' go. Too busy. Got to study. When obviously I was listening to music. But then I thought of something(Oh gosh, this post is a roller coaster in no order. This train of thought is quite simply, a train wreck. If my essay is like this, I'm getting a 5 out of 25). Last week, I didn't go for church service. I actually was already to leave the house. Then on my way out of the gate, I got into a fight. With none other than my Mom. Brilliant. It was the old problem back again. Guess I never really got rid of it. It always seem to come back. Anyways, so I got in a fight, and I pretty much was desperate to get out. But then she went: "If you leave the house in such a rude manner, don't come back!" You know, the people I see, many of them have little flaws I can see. But me, I'm like Swiss cheese. Full of holes. One of them has been labelled "impulse" and another, "pride". So I stopped, ripped off my shoes, and stormed back in before shutting myself in my cave of a room. I don't remember what I fought over. Then again, I don't remember much anymore. So anyways, that was just the preface. What I remembered was Davelle's messages. On Monday night, before Round 1 of EOYS began, she messaged me. On the Sunday of the week I went missing from church, she apparently noticed my absence. And then we got into this round of half concern, half garbage talk(garbage is actually healthy once in awhile). And somehow, we ended off after her telling me to read Nehemiah 1-6, with me telling her when my exams were. So, the night before it all began, as I left off earlier, she messaged me this: "Hope you aren't still awake cuz it's rlly late, but all the best for your exams! Don't be stressed k. Trust in God He'll definitely bring you thru. GO XIWEN! :D" and before that "You still have one more yr before the real test so do your best but don't get too stressed k. I'll be praying for you." I'm amazed at how the simplest of acts can hit a person so hard. I never imagined her to remember. Figured it was one of those generic questions one would ask at this time of the year. And she did it at 2 am. God knows what she was doing. Watching some Man Utd match I figure. So I decided to go. We have finally reached the present day/night. Congratulations, you have just made it out of long long long paragraphs of a few incidents in 1 week. Worship was... wrong. Like, I was wrong. Heart of worship just wasn't there. And the people around me noticed it(go figure who if you're bored enough). The words didn't come from the bottom of my heart. They just... were words. Nothing else. And the act of raising up your hands. I knew what lifting your hands meant. And I knew I couldn't do it. To surrender. How hard that was in itself. I mean, I tried, but it all seemed wrong, like I'm acting in a show I got the wrong role for. So I was like, trying, and stopping, and trying again. And Davelle kept asking me if I was stressed. Not that I gave a clear answer. Service. It was about Growing Deeper in God. The main passage: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit. while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me and you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is my father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." ~ John 15:1-8 Summing it all up, the stuff that I fail to do are: 1. Serving God with whatever I have. 2. Putting God first in everything I do, everyday of my life. 3. Commit to desire to grow in knowledge and in heart. (Oh I do the desire just fine. But that alone with no action is useless.) 4. Submitting to God. 5. Giving honour to him in my speech and attitude. 6. Be willing to listen and take up the challenge. 7. Forcing myself out of the comfort zone. Wow. Danged long list. All revealed in the span of hmms... a couple of hours. Imagine if service were to last a school day... Never mind. I don't want to. So, altar call. I responded, but I don't know to what. Everything I guess. Usually there's one point my mind focuses on. But not today. I just knew I had to. You could call it exaggerating, cos' I wouldn't be surprised if I had went bonkers last week. But I think I was trembling. Not in the quaky-gonna'-faint way. More of the there's-a-mini-earthquake-in-me-from-my-legs-up way. Then P.Gary said something about "You know you've been called..." and it got worse. Evolved into a grenades-are-being-thrown-around-your-heart kind of trembling. Maybe I'm just going mad. Like a state of confusion(I am remind of Hermia. Eww.... and Helena... Eww-er...). I don't know. But one thing's for sure. It's amazing how God can be so faithful to you, willing to pour blessings on you, even though you were being the idiot that runs away and avoids him. Even though you were the unfaithful one. I can attest to it. Cos' thus far, EOYS has been good. Save for maybe Chinese. Amazing as well, that God sends such things when you're in a deep state of pondering over it all, through people you've not spoken to in ages too. 1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation. 2. God won't ask for the square footage of your house. He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home. 3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet. He'll ask how many you helped to clothe. 4. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it. 5. God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability. 6. God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend. 7. God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived. He'll ask how you treated your neighbours. 8. God won't ask about the colour of your skin. He'll ask about the content of your character. 9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of hell. Before I left for the bus stop, for the i-don't-know-how-many-time, Davelle asked me again, if I was stressed. Haha. I thought it was funny. I can't give a straight answer because I. Don't. Know. I feel stressed, and not stressed. Contradictory. I know. I just know something's a lil'(Ok maybe a lot.) off somewhere. I still don't know what though. Even after thinking for a good 2 hours. The answers still aren't there. I guess I'll only find out in time what it actually is. Hopefully sooner than later. Writing this, I guess I needed the means of actually thinking. Some would say such things are best written in paper, but I don't fancy the idea of writing all that much considering I'll be doing plenty of that in the next 2 weeks. Might as well type my fill of it all right now, while I'm still thinking. Besides, I think it's 2 hours well spent instead of making a futile attempt at MSND. But I'll end here. Blogger is giving me auto save errors already. I doubt anyone would have reached this part of my post anyways. It's far too long. Ending off, to Davelle(although I hope you don't read this cos' your O's are in like... 2 weeks): Thanks for being there and noticing the things that In probably wouldn't have paid much attention to myself. Gosh, I love my SPs. They rock. And above all, thanks for remembering. Saturday, September 13, 2008
Ok. I feel this needs a new post. And since, for the 2nd day in a row, I have decided me and my books need some space. I'm that focused. So this week, has been a pretty good, but not good enough attempt at mugging and turning hermit. Sure for the 1st few days(4) it pretty much worked, but then I hit the AM, and the first one to greet me was dear old Factor and Remainder Theorem. The first ones to traumatize me with a horrific FAIL in the test. Plus the dang sick thing in me. Dumb fever, dumb flu, dumb throat, and the dang nose is like the city area every morning and night. Congested. At least it's better now. AND THE TRIGO TEST! Erk... Horrible. Isn't worth describing at all. If I pass, it's a miracle. Really, I couldn't do a single question... So the hurdles I cleared this week would be: Chemistry (still got to do every worksheet and test again + write out Redox Reaction notes) Physics (worksheets + tests + notes on Temperature and Transfer of Energy) E Maths (did minimum questions but I feel relatively safe this one) No I'm still behind time. I was supposed to complete AM 2 days ago. So tomorrow onwards for at least another week's break, I'm gonna' give it my all at avoiding the computer's call. INTENSE 7 CHAPTER STUDY FROM THEN ON! Or I'm not gonna' make it. I realised, in 2 days, I'd be left with 1 week before it all starts. Dang. Tomorrow I've got to send my bro for MindChamps. (Yes I graduated. YES!) So I'll be forced to wake up early. Haha. Good. Then I'll be forced to study too. Breaking away from this whole "happy stress", today wasn't all the fantastic. Sucked really. Feel like a hypocrite. Went to FUEL and talked about loving your parents and honouring them. Talked like it didn't really apply to me anymore ever since like, the beginning of the year, then had Face to Face. Which sucked too. Not that there was anything bad about it all. The bad was me. I had half a mind not to go today, cos' I was tired and didn't wanna' rush. But I forced my butt to move. Went all happy, but I couldn't really feel God that strongly as compared to 2-3 weeks ago. Even TAWG seems like a routine now. After that, went to celebrate my Dad's birthday, and I screw up. Don't know what's wrong with me. We were sitting there at Sushi-Teh, ordering food and all, then my idiotic brother stretched over the table onto my side for the 10th time( and it feels gross trust me. I don't even know if he bathes) and because I've been telling him to stop stretching over and just sit, I got annoyed so my tone changed. I didn't shout, but I was definitely showing my annoyance and told him to SIT DOWN. Ah so it went: Me: SIT DOWN WILL YOU?! Him: Clamp it.\ Me: Shut up. I told you to stop leaning over and just sit. Him: Clamp it. Me: SHUT UP! You don't tell me to shut up. You're the idiot climbing over me. Him: Clamp it sutzy. Me: What the hell? Shut up. (I began to shove him on his chair cos' he's an asshole.) Then my Mom started screaming. And she kept cutting me off every time I said something. And I HATE it when I feel wronged so like, as usual, I don't listen. What the hell is a Sutzy anyway? I've heard it before, probably some rude shit word and he was lying: "Just a name I gave you." What the hell, how bout' I call you dumbass. 7 months ago before I really knew God, I would have punched him in the face there and then. So it should be considered an act of kindness... I had half a mind of doing it again. I HATE going out with him. Or having friends over when the idiot's at home. Cos' when people are around, he suddenly feels this need to show off(even with his friends) and starts acting cool and tough(he's a coward, always hiding behind people). Then every time I ask him to go away and leave me alone, he goes Clamp it. ACT ANG MOH! Just cos' we lived in Australia for 3 years... Lately I noticed, he's been using his Ang Moh accent more often than me(and I do it subconsciously from time to time) and he's doing it on purpose. You can hear it. And he thinks having a girlfriend is cool. So easily influenced... AND HE'S PRIMARY FOUR! So stopping beating around the bush, my Mom told us to go out. So I did. Walked out. But before that, I accidentally banged the table. I was grabbing my stuff off the table but who knew I was so pissed I banged it instead. And I was like going "oops" in my head and all but thanks to pride, I didn't clear it up and the woman next to me went "Aiyoh" so I wanted to tell her to shut up too. Annoying... Then I wanted to take a bus home. But decided against it cos' I don't have the key. And so I went to the toilet to hide. Cos' I knew I'd just be standing there and doing my best not to come out, I chose the squat one. Then got some girl die also must go on the squat toilet and she stood outside and kept banging on the door. So I felt the urge to shout at her. Of course I didn't. So I pretended to flush, wash my hands, and left. Then my dad smsed me to go back in since it's his birthday, so I did. Just damn pai seh. On the way, I bumped into Debra Goh. Die. I tried explaining about the bang table thing but then my mom hates to be wrong so she didn't believe. I didn't bother to argue cos' I pretty much know her. Took 2 hours for her to decide she'll believe me. (maybe she was meditating on it. I don't know)Oh and for the record, after that, my brother started acting all nice. Eww... Still feel like a hypocrite... I need to do some serious TAWG tonight. Just cos' I feel like boasting of my strange pets, I shall. Haro(dog): She thinks she's a cat. And a bird. I'm convinced. She goes around licking people. Gets jealous easily, and eats bird food as a snack. Thing/Ninja + Cheetah + (name I forgot)(tortoises): We picked them all off the road. Don't ask me why we seem to see them everywhere. They thought they were snaked once, found a snake egg, and tried to incubate it. Didn't work. Egg rotted. Haha. Tweety(bird unknown species): New addition. Recently found it's way into our house, next to Haro's cage. Luckily she was locked. Still a chick, it's green, yellow, and black, and NOT a parrot. It thinks it's a dog... Wags its tail... Haha. I need You, Jesus Come to my rescue Where else can I go? So long. Friday, September 5, 2008
So it's been awhile. This week, the Sept hols, has in no way shown me it is the hols save for the fact I wake up later than normal. Everyday, I wake up and must remind myself to study, everyday, I feel like flinging the books out the window or at someone's face(Not angry with anyone. Just figure of speech). I HATE studying. And every time I exclaim that, my dad goes: "That's not the right attitude." Yeah right. You'd think I'd know that. Which I do, but I can't help myself. I despise it.So this week has been pretty much nothing but Chem, chem, and wow, you guessed it, chem. Sure there were a few chapters of Physics here and there and maybe a sad pathetic attempt at A Maths in preparation for the test next week, but nothing much came out of the last one especially. I'm just too lazy and sick of numbers. But I find my strength in God so that brought me through the 7 chapters per day quota. Why 7? Cos' I've got 2 weeks left. Brilliant. Aside from Chem, we just went through the gruelling form of torture disguised as NJRC. No it ain't pleasant. We failed miserably. A sad 20 points to be precise. But then to a certain extent, I can't be complaining considering we did the program this morning and all. I saw Anthony at the spectator hall. Embarrassing. 3 years and no sign of improvement. Plus I think I have a pretty good idea of how cramped people lived in squat houses back in the was/post-war period. Just look at the booth. Sad. It's only at most 3 times the size of my storeroom (and that's like Pandora's box kind of small. Only without the "hold every evil" factor cos it barely held 4 people) Also, there was this guy in the booth I think from Dunman across ours. And he was sleeping, everyone that walked past laughed at him cos' his mouth was open, then his friends went back to the booth and one of them stuck a pen in his mouth! Haha. So after that, he woke p and decided to close his mouth. And he was alone again. Then as I was looking at him remembering the whole pen thing, his mouth dropped... HAHA! I burst out in hysterical laughter after that. Xi Yuan even dared ask me if I would every come back for another NJRC! The answer? NO WAY. The whole carrot of going to JC asides from good results is the resolve of QUITTING infocomm. You have no idea how bad I want to quit. Just that I can't cos' of CCA points. Heaven knows why I chose that instance in Sec 1 to obey my Mom instead of the other opportunities. The train ride home was hilarious. We got to the train station then we decided against cramming in with everyone else. Sardines in can Xi Yuan said. Then when the 2nd one came, it was empty! So we overreacted and went: WOAH! Really loudly. Then according to Debra, who decided to be gentle, me and Xi Yuan were barbaric bulls charging in front to grab a seat. Xi Yuan was like fattie, sitting on 2 seats cos' she was trying to save for Debra, than when Debra was within striking distance, she removed her hands. Than Debra didn't run, so the uncle next to her moved nearer. End of seating haven for Debra. Haha! After that for the whole train ride to Ang Mo Kio, insanity found a cosy spot in our minds. Great fun. Went home and read 3 chapters of Breaking Dawn, I got hooked since a couple of days ago when the interesting stuff started. Quite shocking really. I didn't even expect such a thing to happen. I shouldn't get too hooked though, then I'll stop studying. I'm striving for 8 chapters a day next week onwards. No idea how though. My relaxation days are over for 3 long weeks once that starts. Stuff from TAWG last night(today morning considering it was 1 am): Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. ~ Psalms 143:8 Show me the way, your way. |
about me
Name: Lim Xiwen Age: 16 Birthday: 17th April 1993 Proud member of Sec 4 Unity 09' IGNYTER wishlist
1. Grow in God2. Grow taller 3. More time 4. More self-control 5. To learn how to bar 6. Fufil my resolutions 7. Leave a legacy 8. Improve in football tagboard
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