Reach the sky;

Sunday, August 10, 2008

It hurts so much to hear others say what you're doing is actually wrong although you thought it was right. What's worse? It hurts so much when those words, those hostile words, come from the mouth of those that once seemed so close, but now... well simply put, that changed in the short span of a week.

I know that in this world, sadly, there is no such thing as fair. I mean, everyone is labelled, depending on how well they perform, be it academic, athletic, characteristic, we've all been stereo-typed. One way or another. And you know, there's nothing we can do about it. This issue, whether we like it or not, stays.

You know what? This whole thing. It might have been a lot better if I had just shut up. Sure there'd still be a retest now. But I'm seriously going to die at this rate. I don't know what I did to wind up here. Scratch that. I just found out.

I should have thought. I should have considered the consequences. Those that hide behind the more immediate ones at least. Cos' it's those that hurt me. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't like backstabbers, I don't like betrayers. And now I'm being called one. Not that I can really blame them or nothing. But it doesn't mix well with me. All my life I've never truly felt what it's like to have friends that stick up for me. Maybe it's cos' I never really stuck to a place long enough to experience it. I mean come on. Like honestly, 3 years in primary school, then it was off to Dalmain primary for half a year, then I shifted to Riverlands for a couple of years, during which I group hopped 3 times. Maybe it's cos' when you're a foreigner, everyone wants to know you. And I guess that made me take it all for granted. Like I wouldn't end up in some soap opera kinda feel.

So now I find out someone did. And I screw it up with my big mouth. It seems to me every time I try to do something I send the whole plane crashing. Innocent, friends, enemies. Doesn't matter, they all go down cos' of me. You're right. I am selfish. So selfish, I shock even myself. And now it's going to haunt me. One action, one mistake, and a whole train wreck to follow. I wasn't trying to place a black mark on your records. I wasn't. It was the test, that I opposed.

So then I'm now told to know what I'm losing in the process. But I don't want to let go. I can't. I'm so lost. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how even lit got brought into the picture. Every thing's just a blur. I can't undo things. I want to change the outcome of this whole thing though. Only problem is, I don't know how. And every answer I get is so vague, it doesn't help. Everywhere I turn, some ugly matter I've been avoiding rears its ugly head and shoves it's face into mine. I'm given no chance to escape.

You're right. It's life. But life seemed so much easier just a week ago. When the only thing that worried me was tests.

Well then, thanks Rain Nana. For noticing this silent plea for advice and guidance. And thank you for pointing the obvious, and yet seemingly hardest of solutions. God. I'll try to tonight. When no one else knows. I'll try.

And to the last one that lives on Earth who seems to be stuck with me cos' of that thing I did, I'm really sorry. For perhaps making things worse. But you know what? No matter what happened, just then. I'm here. I'm reachable. I care. And! I suck at words. So like... yeah... I'll stand by you regardless of the rainfall of bullets. Regardless of the injuries.

And finally, to God. I need you so bad now. I need you to guide me. You're pretty much maybe the only thing that is holding me together right now. Tonight, when the light has been dimmed, when the walls enclose around me. Come to me, and heal me. Give me the rest that I need so much. Give me the sincerity to see what has gone wrong. Give me the courage to face up and change the things that I can. And give me the wisdom, to know the difference.

Draw me close to you. Never let me go.

“The wind played with my hair at 10:25 PM”

about me

Name: Lim Xiwen
Age: 16
Birthday: 17th April 1993

Proud member of Sec 4 Unity 09'
IGNYTER

wishlist

1. Grow in God
2. Grow taller
3. More time
4. More self-control
5. To learn how to bar
6. Fufil my resolutions
7. Leave a legacy
8. Improve in football

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