Standing.

2009-11-27T16:17:00.008+08:00

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED AND IS NOW DEAD.

New one is at: http://downtotheroot.blogspot.com/

Remember, that's b-double O-double I-double N-g.

The end of O's

2009-11-18T22:23:00.002+08:00

The end of O's is not what I expected it to be.

Pictures.

2009-09-27T11:03:00.004+08:00

I never ever used pictures in this way before.

Before:

Now:

The walls have come down. But now there's but a patch of green in the desert.

Where did the oasis go?

2009-09-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

"Don't let the lights go down
Don't let the fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found."

2009-08-10T18:41:00.001+08:00

So close yet so far.

And I don't mean the song.

Infocomm

2009-08-02T14:22:00.000+08:00

Infocomm club should totally shut down. Honestly, what's the point of getting a CCA that will only give you ONE 1 bonus point? RAH.

Anyways, I thought I had stuff to say. But it seems to all have disappeared now. So yeah. I'll try and remember.

Breaks

2009-07-10T22:18:00.002+08:00

This post shall henceforth be known as Breaks.

Not too long ago, breaks meant 3 hours on the computer. "What a waste of time", you might say. I totally agree. Only now that I see it doesn't mean I can change it.

Now, breaks no longer mean such long hours in front of a digital screen(although sometimes I get distracted and I stay there for an hour or so) but training.

Yes, training. No I don't mean the crazy 3 hours hockey training people like Mali and gang go through, nor do I mean the endless irony in running for hours and hours in the track team just to run as fast, or rather, as short a time as you can, but the kicking of a football in my room.

No don't worry. Up to this point in time, nothing has been broken. Kicking that once brand new but now faded and scratched(stabbed more like) ball around for half an hour to an hour is like gold. The satisfaction gained from improving in ones proficiency at dribbling/trapping/whatever it is you're doing is by far greater than spoiling your eyesight. Sometimes, I don't want to stop at all. Which would be a bad thing.

The sad thing is, in order to get into VJ = to get into a good school to satisfy parents and myself = to get to play and learn good football skills, means that I(who did not get the DSA but at the very least have the sports appeal option) must score at the very least 8 points minus 2 for Os in order to get a shot at the science stream. As many have already noticed, my humanities leave much to be desired.

I shall not go on to describe to you how I manage to fail SS even after writing all the points. But yes.

2009-07-05T21:38:00.002+08:00

I haven't blogged for a while. So it's quite a weird feeling to be here when I obviously shouldn't in light of the 8 tests I have next week.

But no I'm not gonna' bore you with that.

I like talking to Fammy. She makes me think when I don't think I wanna' think. Argh, and her command of English frustrates me. I'm confusing, I know. I mean to say, she makes me think of things I wouldn't normally do unless someone comes and whams me on the head.

So now, she's done in a subtle more gentle manner.

I'm going to go complete my geog notes now, and return in to the realm of the muggers. After which will I proceed to decide on the course of action.

--------------------------

On a more frightening note, FUEL lesson was on Samson yesterday. And the trigger question was: Identify the themes in the story of Samson.

I'm worried. That the horrors of Lit are beginning to unleash upon the world. Soon I will be asked to analyze the literary devices in Psalms or something.

Your heart and attitude will determine how fast you go.

2009-06-13T20:51:00.002+08:00

"Your heart and attitude will determine how fast you go."

Perhaps I was wrong when I thought I understood what the above meant. But now it seems, I'm getting more of it.

I'm amazed. At how God can move in our lives. Not just mine. A couple of days ago I was grinning at the screen before me now when I saw all the outward declarations that people I know made. It encourages me I guess. To see Him move, and to see the people moving in response to Him.

"Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen"
~ With Everything by Hillsongs

His Purpose. My Generation.

Perhaps it's time I understood that tag line.

Pure Lit does this:

2009-06-12T21:26:00.002+08:00

Siao Yi, my very awesome seating partner, is talking to me on MSN now.

After reading my previous post. She claimed I was cheem. When asked why? She proceeded to provide evidence.

Quoting this: "On a side note though, I think shoes can kill people if used in a manner fit for assassination. I'm convinced."

She decided it was time to READ BETWEEN THE LINES and could only come to one conclusion:

Xiwen is violent.

Ah. My friends know me so well. NOT.

THIS is what taking Pure Lit does to you.

I see more of the sky.

2009-06-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

You know, after Diva la Futbol, and after DSA, I seem to have realised something.

I could totally go on and on how pathetic, miserable, and well, pathetic I feel after Diva la Futbol. Or I could just sit here typing about how much of a mess I made out of DSA trials today. OR I could tell you what an embarrassment I felt like at Arion training today(I didn't understand what was happening more than half the time). Wow. OR OR I could tell you how the coach of VJ told me to make it on my own after hearing I have an l1r5 of 12 points(I honestly don't see the awesome-ness of that. Or at least I'm led to believe that's a terrible score).

In short, I could tell you how demoralised I am.

But then on the train/bus ride from Kovan back home. I thought. I remembered. I was told. Everything that happens is in line with God's plan. Everything has its purpose. I just don't see it at first all the time. And then I thought again. If I didn't have God in my life, I'd probably be hugging some pillow being depressed.

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31

Hope does wondrous things. It isn't wishful thinking. It isn't thinking that I'll get 6 A1s for Os without studying. It's different.

On a side note though, I think shoes can kill people if used in a manner fit for assassination. I'm convinced.

Diva la Futbol

2009-06-07T21:22:00.002+08:00

I have resolved not to play as keeper ever every again. Except for maybe if I get to play for/with Arion on the 21st. But then that's it. I've had it.

I tell you, being a keeper sucks. I hate the feeling of letting in a goal. Hate it. You feel like if you had stretched a lil' more, you'd have stopped that shot.

Penalties, are by FAR worse. Just you, and that player. It SUCKS. But hey, even if you let the ball go in, you still can't be as bad as me. I let in the last penalty in sudden death, AND I kicked the ball awfully wide to the left and well, there you go. We lost.

Never again will I subject myself to such unneccessary stress like that again. Never.

2009-05-31T20:49:00.002+08:00

Wow. Talk about fast.

It didn't even occur to me that I had left this blog and went MIA again. Not too long ago, it felt like Os were a long time ago. Now it's tomorrow.

[You know, I just realised my mac does not have the chinese typing function that my old giant block of a computer had. I am now very very sad.]

Bear with me here. From experience, I will tell you 'ling shi bao fo jiao' is not a very smart thing to do at all. Argh. I have the next hour, to cram whatever new vocab I can into my teeny head, learn off all the 'gonghan' and 'sihan' formats, and basically, sort out a lot of things in life. Sure doesn't feel much like the hols huh. Oh wait, being Sec 4, I don't have hols. Right. How could I have forgotten that?

Ok my point? I'm pretty much doomed. I'm those 'hao yi wu lao' types. Urgh. The only good thing I guess that has come out of all this, would be the fact that I now know at least 101 more chengyus. Yay? Ok good I guess. If only I started a week earlier. I would have gotten all 250 in. Rah. Good job Xiwen. Good.

But Siaoyi is awesome. She is one of the reasons why I even managed to cram 101 chengyus in my head at all. I love you Siaoyi! ALL my seating partners are awesome I tell you. ALL. From Leryee to Puisan, Mingqi to Siaoyi. ALL.

Here's a vid and a song that I just fell in love with. It's sort of like a fairy tale. And you see a dude getting eaten my a fish and is rescued by some pretty girl who buys the fish from the market. Ok fine. Abit a silly. But beautiful all the same. And lookie here. I found translations! I haven't had the time to read them yet, but here it is.

When it's a longtime dream
why is it like looking at
the beginning of the end?

Lost at the end of a world
filled with a deep, dark
sadness

All of my faded happiest
memories of you will
from this point on
forever knit up my
unraveled heart with love

You taught me the meaning
of the words "I love you"
Your smiling face will stay
in my eyes quietly, forever

Why were there too few
chance encounters then?
We can't go back to
those days
A harsh and difficult
sadness that I can't reach
no matter how painful

Oh you taught me the meaning
of the words "I love you"
Your smiling face will stay
in my eyes tenderly, forever

Cause I don't have a clue
what to say
thinking about the world
and how I changed
By facing each other, it's
like I figured it out
Oh who am I? It won't stop me
eventually we'll become one

Therefore I definitely
can't run away
Even though the days I
believed go by so far
Someday, eventually, after
longer experience
I will love you

Oh I wish that I was strong
yah I wish that I was strong
you got it, you got it
don't lose it
If the walls are caving in
I'll try to keep it strong
'cause the world is moving on

MONKEY MAJIK @ Yahoo! Video

Ok. Ciao. I NEED TO STUDY.

Romans 8:28

2009-05-17T14:18:00.003+08:00

More than Conquerers.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Not the same.

2009-05-08T17:42:00.003+08:00

Sknit!. Wolverines claws coming out
Thwack. an arrow with a message attached hitting your chest
Ack. a choking sound
Bang. a gunshot
Bash. a crushing sound
Eayah. what you yell during karate class
Dong. hitting your head on a large churchbell

2009-05-06T19:06:00.001+08:00

Boom. Bwish. Kapow. Zap. Bang.

And comes Wave 1.

Perhaps.

2009-05-04T18:41:00.002+08:00

Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe I've discovered more on what it means to trust.

Maybe. On a less serious note. Maybe, I like alliteration.

Haha. I'm surprisingly relaxed now.

Maybe I'm mad.

Psyched

2009-05-04T16:35:00.000+08:00

Physics is cool.

YES.

Yet again.

2009-05-03T16:09:00.003+08:00

I'm here taking my bazillionth break yet again. So it's the exam period for many people. Including my brother. Except for us SN girls who well, it's the same old. Just maybe 2-3 tests a week. How nice. But I'm not here to talk about that today. Since it's the exam period, it happens to be the time where my mom is the most irritable as she has decided to undertake a 'part-time' job as tutor for my Bro. And from my experience I can tell you it isn't a pleasant job at all. So the room, or actually the 3rd floor, can be said as a war zone. To add on with her pissed off mood towards the maid cos' she doesn't wanna' cut her hair(stupid honestly. I for one am not interested to see if she has some hip hairdo or something.), I have made a very wise decision and have moved all the way down to the 1st floor.

Now my initial boycott of this room is because well, I love being in my room. Only, being up there also increases the risk in being caught in the crossfire. So me and my Dad tend to play the role of the refugees. But it's good here I guess. I only just realised how little time I have been spending with my retarded, mad, crazy jack Russel terrier. Despite popular belief, my jack Russel doesn't bite. She's just retarded. And hyperactive. But she doesn't bite. Yes. And even though all I'm doing is just sitting there and studying, she comes down, and lies on my toes (10 times better than when she decides to put them in her mouth). And snores.

So I quite like my new position. That and the Internet is easily within reach. Like, on the other side of the table.

Ok. That's enough. Back to work then.

100th Post

2009-05-02T21:13:00.002+08:00

Wow. This is like, my 100th post. The longest surviving blog I have ever had. Most of mine die out in like... a week. Not this one I suppose. Anyways, I'm thinking it's almost time for a new blogskin. But that's besides the point.

Now I'm going to tell you that I'm done with WRITING my Static Electricity notes. But then again, there's the bits I totally don't get like Point Action. Rah. Plus I haven't done any practices at all. So now I'm trying to conquer Magnetism and Electromagnetism in the next hour. Or at least get the basic gist. Rah.

Other than that...

Trust. Belief. Faith. Surrender. Failures. Disappointments. Burdens. Distractions.

So many things to think about...

Guess what?

2009-05-01T20:57:00.003+08:00

I'm here to announce to the world that I am officially done with Differentiation. Not bad not bad. I managed to finish it 2 days before the test. I only have 5 chapters worth of physics to cram into my teeny brain by Tuesday. No sweat.

Who am I kidding. This is what happens when you trick yourself into believing there isn't any thing more pressing that you should be doing instead of fidgeting in front of the Wii and convincing yourself you're not that out of shape and all set for Napfa.

I should have realised. Good balance does not make you any faster.

Great. So it's a short post. But yes. I'm now making up for the 1 month hiatus I just realised I had made this blog go through.

Dead?

2009-05-01T11:43:00.002+08:00

So I figure this blog must have faded into oblivion by now. Considering how it's been FOREVER since I last updated it. This phenomenon is really quite a mystery actually. Considering I'm such a slack, and that I'm always on the computer at some point in the day. I suppose it's because there hasn't been much note-worthy things to be posting about.

Rah.

Anyways, so I'm here now. Typing this post at 11.45 am on the morning of Labour day to tell you this blog is NOT dead. Why I'm putting emphasis on that? I don't know. Rah. But then again, I don't think telling you this blog isn't dead is helping unless I post something with substance right? But first, allow me to congratulate you on successfully reading 2 paragraphs worth of 'this blog is not dead' sentences just phrased differently each time.

Back to reality then. A couple of days go, I was happily drifting around the house and finding stuff to entertain myself instead of going to school. And homework didn't even cross my mind cos' I figured I didn't have much tests or exams like midyears to worry about. Only when I went back to school yesterday, it hit me.

"Die. There are like, alot. alot. alot. alot. of things to study for. Now."

Was basically the general train of thought. I realised I have a knack for keeping my head in the clouds at the worse possible moment. Ok that's it. I need to FOCUS.

So I think you do get my message right? That unless I find something actually particularly interesting on meaningful to post about, this blog will be... let's use the word 'quiet'. Good good.

This is actually a good thing though. Unless you want to hear me telling you all about differentiation and the magnetic things of this world.

2009-03-29T12:33:00.001+08:00

CHEM I SHALL DO.

NOW.

RAH.

Woah.,

2009-03-27T20:36:00.002+08:00

A week has gone by. Every one's gone back to school. Yippee-dee. Well sort of.

My class, is messed up. But hey, at the very least it makes events interesting. And I've got like, not much drive to study. Which probably explains why I'm still here and not studying like any other good kid.

So I guess maybe that explains why I failed my amaths test, messed up the lit essay, and had no mood to make much of an effort in SS. Ah well. No point crying over spilt milk.

But you know. Today's meeting with the other IGNYTErs of SN pretty much made my day. I initially thought it would still be quite 'malu' and everything. But it turned out pretty ok. Alright so I went half an hour late. But it doesn't matter. Next week I'll make sure I go more prepared. Definitely.

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand.

I'd say more. But I think it's time I, at the very least, attempted to study.

The Rainbow.

2009-03-22T09:19:00.006+08:00

You know I never really understood why the rainbow means so much to some people. How it can bring a smile on their faces not because it's some pretty sky phenomenon but something deeper. To me, the rainbow was well. Just colours caused by refraction in the sky. When I used to see a rainbow. I'd say: "Oh." Or when someone said "Hey look! It's a rainbow!" with exhilaration evident in their voices. I'd just try and patronize them but if that failed, my response would be a cold "So?".

Yesterday after service. As I was stoning under the shelter of the bus stop thinking about all that's happened in the past few hours. I heard a bunch of dudes singing some Chinese 彩虹song. I will fail to mention who. I thought they were just being weird. But I looked up anyways. And there it was. A rainbow in the sunset.

These past few days/couple of weeks/I-don't-know-how-long-anymore, I've been kinda... stone. Living each day like a routine. Even with all the outings in the past few days, I couldn't fully enjoy myself. So like while everyone was jumping around the bed going mad and singing songs so loud, it was as if we thought we owned the estate(I pity the neighbours.), I was stoning at them, plastering smiles on my face. Trying to tell myself I'm satisfied. It wasn't until Thursday. That I started to see where the problem lied.

"Your heart and attitude will determine how fast you can go."

Amusing really. How I can remember things said by people other than teachers. Quite simply, I lost the drive and the desire to advance forward. Held behind by all the failures. Makes me wish I wasn't auditory at all.

You know the couple of pictures at the top of this post? Those are the photos of the rainbow I saw. No. It's terrible. I need a camera. To start with. The sky wasn't even blue. It was ORANGE. Like. The colour of Sunkist oranges. That kind. Kinda like this:

I did NOT take this photo. Ok. Kinda like this. Only the sky is more orange. And there was only one VERY CLEAR rainbow.

And this. With a lighter sky and a more orange hue to it.

The orange still isn't right. I guess it's a lil' paler than this. This one looks painted.

Ok. And this? More orange of course.

Imagine with me here. I really wish I could have captured that image on paper or in this era, .jpeg images would be good. But I know that image in my mind will not fade for quite awhile.

That rainbow. It was above the overhead bridge. With cars driving by. The ground was wet cos' of the rain. You might not think it's much. But my perception of rainbows was changed forever, by that moment in time.

The rainbow is a reminder of God's promises. This I know. But it was never a reminder of God's promises to me. Before then, I was losing sight of all his promises. I had my doubts - if they still applied after all the months past. Even with all the reminders, I was still drifting away. But there and then. As I sat waiting for the bus and simultaneously firming up the resolve I had in my mind and heart. That scene spoke to me a lot. Even with all the cars rushing by, time felt like it came to a standstill. I did think I was getting left behind. That I was the only one trapped in the past. And as the sky gradually grew darker, from orange, to purple, to navy. It was like how I was losing sight of the horizon I once saw ahead. Despite all the gloom in the air, that rainbow still shone(yes I know rainbows don't shine but that one did. I'm positive.). When I looked at that rainbow, it felt like a long while, much longer than that few seconds I spent looking at it.(Actually those few seconds weren't enough. I kept sneaking glances at it as if it was some sort of federal crime to gaze upon something so beautiful.) So many things were going through my head. But loudest and clearest of them all, was God's voice.

"My promises for you still stand."

That was all he said. But it was all that was needed.

Even when things seem dark, and you can't see the light touching the distant horizon, His promises still stand. My resolve is firm. There's only one direction left to take. Forwards.

OLD OLD PHOTOS

2009-03-22T08:45:00.004+08:00

\
ME AND PUISAN. Blame Angel for her lousy cameraman skills.

Cake smear!

Nice shot right. I took it. Haha. Ego.

Prima Deli cake. I want you to know we didn't get some terrible disease from eating it.

Leryee's birthday. Was in Feb. Haha. It's March now.

Angel looks like some powerpuff girl wanna' be.

That's cookie dough if you're wondering.

Huimin's trademark gay smile.

Cool shot right? Everyone should have straws in their photos.

And we have the other half of the gang. Haha.

Yes. I finally decided to post.

Food for thought.

2009-03-10T21:19:00.002+08:00

So I had alot to think about this past few days. Still thinking actually. But let's start with the mundane and unimportant.

Ok... I can't remember anything about the mundane and unimportant. Except maybe today. Rah. My fitness level, has gone kasplat. Like, I can't run long distances anymore. Ok wait, I can't run 'fullstop'. But I want that 4-year Gold award! So I shall force my fat bum to move.

Anyways, our P.E. project is messed up. Big time. Like, I knew what Susie was going to say. She was giving me the "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" kind of look. But I can't just charge around the class further confusing the poor things under our command right? Argh. After all that effort(quite alot for PE ok), we're still. D. O. O. M. E. D.

Yes. Now you know how to spell it. Moving on...

Many things have been said. Many reminders have been given. And many times the teacher's voice fades away and is replaced by my own deep thought. I'm like, in my own little world during lessons.

"Jesus went up onto a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him." ~ Mark 3:13

Remember Xiwen. It isn't the end yet. Change isn't overnight.

Ooohhh....

2009-03-07T20:58:00.000+08:00

I finally understand how some people don't like reading the Bible at times cos' they know what God's going to say. Bah.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." ~ Ephesians 4:1-2

I failed. Like kasplat. I have not been humble, not been gentle, not been patient, and have not been tolerant. I've been edgy, frustrated, annoyed at how 'floaty' my mind is when it's time to focus. Basically, I've been a ticking time bomb in a continuous loop, minus the ticking. So it's basically boom boom boom boom. Rah.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

Ties in with what I said earlier. I can't seem to control myself well. You know like, when I'm angry, I'm angry. And I show it. A lot. And I know I'm at if-there-was-a-state-higher-than-boiling-it-would-be-this point. So there. I lose to myself.

Then there's how certain people are telling me that I'm not setting an example etc. etc. etc. Rah. I know it. I know it. But argh. Dumb pride. It's self-explanatory really. And it's not like I purposefully force myself to sleep during class and not do homework. It happens when you get 5 hours of sleep a day(ok so sometimes I bring it upon myself), and when you have a CCA that doesn't allow you to study and do homework and forces you to watch "Meet the Robinsons" instead. Imagine with me here. So much time wasted.

So when you're annoyed and don't want to hear reason. Having someone tell you that there is a reason why you have such a family isn't exactly pleasing to the ear. I know that for a fact. But sometimes it's hard to turn that into conviction.

Ok so I can't change the hand I was dealt at the start of life. I can't change the cards that's been given to me. I can't change how others decide to play with their cards, but I can choose how I play mine. Rah. Stupid proverb-ish sayings.

Why am I here?

2009-02-15T20:16:00.002+08:00

Lately I haven't been doing what you've called me to do. I've been so caught up with my own desires, I failed to realise you were waiting. That each moment I spent chasing after the things that temporarily please me is a moment loss. A moment where I could have been speaking to you, making a difference elsewhere. In other words, I've forgotten my very purpose.

This year, so far has been a year of change. And perhaps I've just been swept away by the things around me, I've forgotten who it was who brought me all this way. I forgot who it was I lived for, for a short while. But this song, reminded me.

I've come to worship
I've come to lift up Your name
For You deserve this
Life laid down like the one that You gave
I have but one voice
One heart and one sacrifice
So won't you take this
life laid down and be glorified
Be glorified

I haven't got much to offer God. But whatever I have been blessed with, I'll praise you for it. So just take me, for all I am. For what I am. I lay it all down before you.

Realisation.

2009-02-14T11:53:00.002+08:00

So. Hi. It's been 5 days, and now it's back to the books. Haha.

I messed up alot this week. Like doing the completely stupid and leaping before thinking. Most of you guys reading would probably know of the stupid stunts I pulled. But that's kind of besides the point. I thank God for placing me around such awesome friends. Mainly Huimin, Leryee, and Fammy(Yes you!). They've really been supporting no matter what I do.

I finally realised. I've been seeking for things from the wrong people. And that the one thing that can truly satisfy my soul is God. That's all there is to it I guess. No one is perfect, on this earth. No matter how they seem to be. No one can truly always be there for me except God. No one can fill my life with so much purpose like he can. It took awhile. Like 4-5 days just to realise this. But I'm glad I did. Thanks God, for being my God.

And...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LERYEE!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SUPER ALOT! YOU ARE NOW OLD!

And we were one.

2009-02-06T20:15:00.002+08:00

Nothing has seemed to change really. The stupid coldness that exists between us two. But I'll trust in God to have a reason for this.

Anyways, today's workshop was pretty fun. So first thing we did was take a personality quiz and all to find out which types were we. The bulk of 4U turned out to be Is. So we are one hyper class. Yes friends, if you haven't already heard, I am an I, followed by an S/D. So I have 3 out of 4 personality traits. HAHA. ROJAK! Sorry, weird moment. Anyways, Guess what? I people are supposed to be influential(yes amazing!), inducing, the life of the party, afraid of rejection, trusting, bring the mood into the group, and some more stuff that I fail to remember. And because of the first adjective, THE WHOLE OF ZHANG WEI'S ROW TURNED AROUND TO STARE AT ME. Cos' they think I 'influenced' them into disliking someone. It's all in the mind friend. NOT ME. Haha. Oh well.

Then we had this "which brain are you?" test and I'm centre-brained. Daphne and a few others join me in my quest for equilibrium. Haha. Including our form teacher. Plus we had to do some test which determines our 'level' in study groups. The 3 groups are: charcoal, fuel, and catalyst. NO. I AM NOT CHARCOAL. Haha. I am FUEL! If you're charcoal, don't come to close! I might set you on fire.

Okok. So the mundane are out of the way. The best part of today has definitely got to be the final game we played. It's called "Huddles". So here's the gist. There were 2 rounds. In round 1, we had to get into groups of 7-10 and hold each others hands tightly while the 4 coaches(:Yvonne, Sherwin, Isac, Tingxin) went around trying to pull some of us apart and drag people out. I think the coaches didn't really come to attack the 5 groups that make up 4U at first. Cos' most of us were smart(yeap!) and linked our hands like we would do for the human knot. So they didn't really try to pull us out. Xinyi and Lorrain's group however, I saw, were swishing and swaying back and forth because they didn't link up like the rest of us and were being picked for that. Haha. Quite funny to watch them actually. Oh yah. Some coach(whom I can't remember) tried to poke me. But too bad! I can harden my skin! An amazing ability actually. Plus some guy coach(whom I can't remember either) grabbed Xing Jun, and tried to pull her out. So like, the few of us on the other side of the circle started leaning back. Haha. And those next to her(like Mali) were pulling her back in. Haha. Lucky you XingJun, you had Mali next to you. Haha. No one in their right mind would grab/tickle Mali. HAHAHA.

That was when we first initiated(pronounce I-ni-she-ted) operation KICK COACHES. The basic strategy of this would be, in simple terms, to kick any coach that tried to mess with us. HAHA. The commandos for this operation are me, and Mali. HAHA. It was fun kicking the coaches. Haha. Except I feel kind of bad cos' I think Coach Tingxin was not expecting us to be SO violent. So, she didn't get out of the way quickly enough before I kicked her hand(it was a lil' red when I went to apologise after most of the adrenaline faded. SORRY.) And Mali kicked some dude as well. Haha.

So that was round 1. Round 2, I must say, was considerably harder. We weren't allowed to link the same way, and our arms had to go around each other's shoulders. Only our group took it a step further. We stretched our hands across and linked to the person 2 spots after us. Haha. It felt cramped though. Cos', well, I'm short. Er. But that is not the main point. Haha. So this time, as usual. The coaches were picking on poor Jomain's group. And they all chose the right person to manhandle. Yeap you guessed it. Jomain. So the coaches kept trying to pull her out. That was when the real fun began. Seeing as how we are 4 UNITY, we decided that the group of us(consisting of me, Mali, Chloe, Huimin, Xingjun, Elaine, Peiyi-not 4U but she's welcome!) should be the pioneer elites for our even better strategy. It's called, Operation BANG COACH DOWN. I am proud to tell you with confidence, that this operation is even BETTER than Operation Desert Storm. Yeap. So our first wave of attacks were from a guy coach who was manhandling Jomain. And so, we charged. Yeap. We charged. Like "RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and rammed our butts into the back of the coach. Then the coach fled(sounds like the pokemon game. Ask threw a rock at wild pokemon. WIld pokemon fled!). Haha. So then, we decided, we should totally help out one another. And so news spread to all 4U groups that we would rise up as an army, and win the invaders who are trying to take our friends. And so the main strategy was this: "Any coach(es) attacking us or our friends will face the wrath of 4U's many butts". Awesome right? And so the story goes, many coaches backs suffered. Haha. But then when they realised we were become fierce, and considering how the commando group(us) were the loudest and obviously the masterminds for the atrocious rebellion by 4U, all 4 coaches came and surrounded what had by then become a defensive formation. And so they took us on. And we met with the challenge! As a raging force full of potent kicking and everything. But our formation was kind of bad. Considering we couldn't move very well when we're glued to one another. Haha. And so, before too long, I found one of my legs being lifted and pulled by Coach Yvonne. Never mind. That one I can fight off. So I think I kicked her. Haha. Then Coach Tingxin. But alas, 4U members rock la. Then a guy came. Then I was flying. Horizontally. In mid-air(quite thrilling actually). Next thing I knew, I waa grabbing whatever I could. Like, Xingjun's blouse. Haha. And Chloe grabbed my neck. Luckily game ended before I could be dragged out.

So yes. Why were we more bonded? Cos' we were the only class that didn't lose a member. Cos' we would charge at attackers. And cos' Coach Yvonne tested Mali and gang. And said I was pulled out. But they defended me well, and so passed the test. Meaning, 4U. Rocks.

This day, or rather those moments, will forever be remembered by me.

You're wrong,

2009-02-04T21:09:00.003+08:00

So I've been getting alot of "OMG Xiwen. You are SO in Quadrant 2." Thanks for the compliment(?), but you guys are wrong. You have no idea how far behind I am in other things right now. Plus the deadlines I have missed. And what is to come. But hey, I'm not complaining about those. I chose it.

To start with. Yes I'm studying for Geometrical Proofs and am 75% done with my study schedule for the chapter. But take heart those who think I'm mad, cos' I still understand little of that atrocious chapter. Let it be known I do not intend to be an architect, or anything that involves proving circles and triangles. And even if I do, guess what. I'll do it the smart way. How? I'll use a RULER and a PROTRACTOR. So I'm pretty much doomed just like the rest of us with the exception of Jomain, Jolene, and Weiqi. All of whom are total math freaks.

Moving on, I must say I find it slightly amusing. How life hits you at times like this. And you know when it's coming. Weird I must say. At the very least, it's a lesson learnt. Or perhaps even in this case, learning. Sure I mess up on a pretty regular basis. But I honestly think this is a major overreaction this time 'round. I don't even understand now...

I don't understand how some people can hold grudges, for like all eternity. And even when they forget what the offense was, they still harbour dislike for others. Isn't it so tiring to be angry all the time? On the very day this whole nonsense started again, I went back home thinking everything was normal. But it wasn't. I don't even know what was the huge offence that I did. Just a comment in the morning, and all hell breaks loose. It doesn't help one's mental strength, when every morning, you wake to see the same person in a foul mood, it starts the day off on the wrong foot. It doesn't help much either, to go back to a home everyday that doesn't even welcome you back and would rather you be away. Even today in the morning it happened, worse than before. I tried to shake it off when I reached school, but obviously that didn't happen. And I'm a poor liar, so the story goes. I feel so drained. Every time I try to divert my attention to something else, it doesn't work. The problem, situation, crisis, continues to hang in my thoughts. I must say though, that I have found more people I can trust. I don't say it. To add on, the person where all the gloom radiates doesn't even take note of your existence. It feels worse still if that person is your own 'mother'. But sometimes, a simple act of concern can touch a person's heart. So to those people(if you see this), Thanks. Alot.

Maybe I've come to the point of no return, where I'll never be able to earn your respect again. Maybe, I've just wasted away all my chances in the foolishness and immaturity I still had in the past. And if that were the case, perhaps I would be fine with everything right now. But you know, for all the times you have said you show no favouritism. For all the times you said even if there were, I would have been the one. It hurts alot. It hurts alot to see you doing just the opposite. It hurts to see how you can reconcile yourself to the people who have more bones to pick with you better than you can with me. It hurts to see how you see all the wonders and talents with the rest but see nothing but flaws in me. It hurts to see that if we ever were ranked, I would be at the rock bottom. Perhaps even below that.

Our relationship, have never quite been the same ever since that day 2 years ago. But even so, with everything now. Hatred is beyond me. The only thing right now that comes close to falling into that category would be my CCA. But that's besides the point. I have mentioned before, time and time again. That no matter how painful, tiring, or tough it will be, I choose to follow Jesus. In other words, I choose to not let history repeat itself. So the fact of the matter is, I will still try. I choose to stand, and not surrender.

You are wrong about who I am. I am not who you dictate me to be. I am not someone in a play, for you to script out my thoughts and my actions. I am not the same person as before. My feelings and thoughts, are unknown to you. You are not me. I WILL show you, who I am. I will show you, what I am capable of. I will show you my resolve, in doing the things I have set out to do. I will advance.

Being a Watchman

2009-01-29T22:12:00.002+08:00

Went out with Huimin, Mali, Xingjun and Loo today. It was fun, but I think I've been really stone the whole day. Sorry folks. Haha. In a zoned out state as of late.

Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. ~ Ezekiel 33:7

So I've heard. I'm quite spaced out even when doing TAWG lately. Gotta' stop that. But I need some time I guess, to ascertain somethings, and to set everything back on track again. I just hope then will not be too late.

In other words, I need more time, AND I need radars for ears.

Asides from that, I'm proud to say I have brought my homework up to date! YAY! On the flip side, I'm going to be behind time tomorrow again. Cos' I can't do AM2. It's like, Tamil to me. Stupid Geometrical proofs. Grr.

I would have put more thought into this post. But I'm still kind of spaced out. And so I shall return to my comfy cozy room and live in my own world. Tata.

2009-01-27T15:04:00.002+08:00

You know something? I find myself totally dumb at times. Like, say, this whole CNY. Why?

1. Unlike all other hardworking Sec 4s, I have done absolutely nothing in the past 3 days. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nata(that how you spell it?). So yes. I am that prepared for tomorrow when reality hits hard.

2. I have said I've wanted to run so many times. But I'm lazy. All the time. Go figure mateys.

3. I haven't been going online with God. It's not that I don't do TAWG. I read. So it's like, I'm there, but I'm appearing Off-line. Stupid right? Yes I know.

4. I know what's wrong, but my stupid lazy nature and I-Can't-Be-Bothered-During-Hols attitude just kicks in. Stupid me.

5. I'm writing this, but not really doing much about anything.

WAKE UP ME. NOW.

Probability Revision

2009-01-24T21:04:00.002+08:00

Dumb skin doesn't let me show my post titles. But I'll put it here, in light of the Probability test in a couple of weeks(this is found in my maths textbook-except for (iv)):

Probability Revision

Ex 6e - Q16

Six cards are marked with the letters F,O,L,L,O and W respectively.
(a) One card is chosen at random. State the probability that it is the card bearing the letter L or O. ----------------- Ans: 2/3
(b)The cards are put face down on the table and their positions are randomly mixed. The cards are turned over one at a time. In each of the following cases, find the probability that
(i)the first two cards turned over will each have the letter O marked on them,
------------ Ans: 1/15
(ii)the second card turned over will have the letter F marked on it,
------------ Ans: 1/6
(iii)the first three cards turned over are in the order L,O and W,
------------ Ans: 1/30
and
(iv)all the cards are turned over in the order F,O,L,L,O and W...

Worked Solution:
P(FOLLOW)=1

OH WAIT.

2009-01-21T16:32:00.002+08:00

I remembered what it was I thought cool today.

I took a quiz when I was bored and guess what.

You, my friend, are a toaster.

Toasters are slightly unpredictable but generally get the job done, no-nonsense but heartily. Your answers tell me that you are rather competitive and edgy, but you know how to have fun, and you probably have a fair degree of self confidence.

Yes friends. I am a toaster. Jealous much? I'll have you know only 39% of the people who took the quiz are cool enough to be toasters. So if you wanna find out if you match up? Go here.

Which household appliance are you?"

I lost it.

2009-01-21T15:06:00.002+08:00

I have been slacking for the past 2 hours.

Not something a Sec 4 student should be doing isn't it. But hey, it's week 3, and I just got hit by 3 tests in a row. You could say I'm feeling dead sick of the textbooks. But I still gotta' face them cos' I promised I'd do my homework by tomorrow. Me and my big mouth.

Nothing much to talk about right now. So I'll guess I'll go sleep in my bed with my BOLSTER.

Please Don't.

2009-01-19T21:43:00.002+08:00

Don't let go of Him now. You'd be missing out on so much, your destiny, His promises, His callings. Just so much.

I've come to a point where letting go is no longer an option. And watching others do just that hurts. So needless to say, you're not an exception. You should know, of the efforts the 'radio'(go figure) has made just to see you hang on to Him. And even if the 'radio', I, or anyone else can't always be there. Know that you can always count on Him.

He's always there. Whether you hear Him or not, whether you feel Him or not.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:13

Hang on.

And Week 1 has come and gone

2009-01-11T15:26:00.002+08:00

Week 1 has just gone by. And the tests just keep coming. Not that I'm complaining alot. I mean, the worse is still to come in Term 3, so I'm told. But enough of the school stuff.

Went with a bunch of Z2 folks (YES I'm young again!) to the botanical gardens last night. Haha. Learnt alot from them too. Especially after the interesting event that occured last night. Haha. One quote especially, makes me laugh.

My coach always tells us: "Dumb people don't learn from their mistakes. Normal people learn from their mistakes. Smart people learn from other's mistakes." ~ Samuel

Haha. Funny. Anyways, I'm feeling slightly lazy. Hence I have decided to stop mugging for maybe another hour. Haha. Which makes that 2. Jolene's probably mugging in some corner of her room. Freak. Definitely. Haha.

As you can see, my brain is currently friend. Which would explain the poor flow of this post. Oh well. I'll be off and attempt to learn a new song now.

Why am I here?!

2009-01-07T20:51:00.003+08:00

Ok. My plan was to study the day away today. But as you should have guessed, things didn't go according to plan. I went to fix my phone(YES IT'S FIXED), and buy some clothes, and ate dinner, then my Mom ignored my desperate pleas to return to reality(which tells me I'm doomed if I don't mug) and continued shopping. So by the time I got home, no time left. I'll try and squeeze whatever I can today, but like, yeah. I'm in trouble.

Anyways, I'm super happy that I'm sitting next to Pui San. Because she is the BEST physics rep I have ever seen(retired, and reminding me I need to do my homework or Mrs Khong will have my head on a silver platter), she knows where to find all the formulas in the book. In short, she's a freak. Haha. But it's fun. In a not so noisy way. Which is good.

For the record though, I despise Binomial Theorem. Asides from the fact that the chapter is essentially about 4 pages long only. Which actually comforts me to a certain extent. Then again, it doesn't exactly help when you don't get nuts of the chapter.

Moving on to my current fitness level... It's bad. It's sad. I ran 4 rounds a couple of days back, and I'm like, dying already. Real bad. I have got to stop pigging during recess. And stick to my 3-days-a-week-run program. Having half an hour of recess isn't helping either. Cos' even if I wanted to study, by the time I reach the library, take out my books, read the question, only 20 minutes are left. Woah. Such a conducive environment.

Anyways, my dad says I need a break once in awhile. So here I am, typing. Great. I'm off then, but before I go...

Then Joshua said to the Israelites: "How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land the Lord, the God of your fathers has given you?... ~ Joshua 18:3'

Faith without action is dead. Hint hint. I refuse to get drowned and burnt by the things the world throws at me. iFocus on God alone.

OH NO!

2009-01-03T20:57:00.002+08:00

I'm upset. My phone kind of messed up now. I think some connection came loose and now I can't see the screen unless I hold the screen from sliding up completely. How upsetting.

Other than that. First day was good. I think we accomplished far more than we would have ordinarily. This year will be an exciting year. The only thing is. THE TESTS! AHHHH!!!!! I totally forgot there's a math test on Wednesday. And the whole hols I didn't touch maths with a 6-foot pole, which basically means I am SO dead. There are: Set Notation, Circle properties(NOOOOO) and Matrices out to nab and drag me down. I'm freaking out. And still not studying. I resolved to mug as of tomorrow.

Asides from that, today we started FUEL again. It was fun. I'm going to treasure my last year in upper sec and visionaries. I love my cell lots.

Ah dang. Got cut short by parents again. I had more to write about too. Drat.

Not yet.

2008-12-30T19:21:00.002+08:00

So it's the 30th. I actually can't wait for school to reopen. Sure it's THE year. The one we've actually been working for since we first stepped into secondary school. But it's like, all the times, the nonsensical fun we had much to the teachers' protests, have been sorely missed on my part. I don't suppose we'll still be mad hysterical goofballs in a couple of days, but hey, I can hope some of it survives the depressing onslaught MOE has to offer us right?

So today... is pretty much very linked with last night. Things have a way of twisting and twining when you think it's alright. Ah well. I survived thus far. I do suppose I can make it through. I'm not going to make one of those "the year has come and gone" and "time really flies" cliche end-of-the-year posts. Yet. For the moment though, I'm caught in one of those twisted plots that shock the world(me in this case). There was a movie, I think, not too long ago(last year?) where a mother and daughter swapped roles one morning and got stuck in one another's bodies. I'm in something similar. Just minus the freaky "I'm in my mom's body! AHHH!" part. Funny where mere words and comments can land you. I just hope, that once school reopens, this weirdness ends once and for all(all the better if it's going to be tomorrow), and survive the "part-time housewife" job for the next 2 days(which seems to be dragging on forever).

Drat. I got cut short by parental control. Oh well. Ciao. Maybe I'll fix up this abrupt and dull ending I am forced to place here.

27th December

2008-12-27T20:51:00.002+08:00

I will.

The Wintery Season

2008-12-26T19:51:00.003+08:00

So I said this was going to be a new season. It sure is alright. Chilly, and salty. All I can do is hope that after it all, I'll become cured squid or something. Pardon my sad sad choice of analogy here. Since I'm here anyways, blessed belated Christmas to all.

So let's see. I have.... about a week before school starts. No homework has been done, no studying, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be studying. Oh joy... This is going to be one awesome start of the year. I can see it now. Just brilliant. But I think that should be the lesser of the situation now. I haven't got much motivation to study anyways.

This year, was one warped Christmas for me. In a not so good way. I think it's my fault again(why oh why do I have a knack for ruining traditionally celebrative days?). I managed to ruin it right from the start too. Like say, 12 am. Good job Xi Wen. And I haven't exactly got much of a defense either. Like say, "I was sleepy, cranky, and basically pure instinct and emotion was awake, not my mind. Which would explain why I so annoyedly shouted cos' well, they were screaming around my room while I was trying to sleep. And at that point in time, sleeping was all I cared about to be honest." Great defence isn't it. But in the end, the events that followed after wasn't exactly what you would call 'merry'. And the thing is, I should have just stayed up for the half hour more. Cos' then I wouldn't have a chance to slip back into primitive times.

Having said all that, it doesn't exactly change where this has headed, and probably still is. But you know, even if a teeny bit of me feel this isn't the way it should carry on, I'm beat. Dead tired. Fighting so much is tiring. So pretty much, I've given up on arguing. I mean, there isn't much sense when you get shot back down before you even finish your sentence. It's not that I've given up though. I just got no clue what's left to do. The only faintest idea I have would originate from the phrase: Action speaks louder than words.

The question was raised awhile back. If I'm doing all that I can, all that I said I would. And then questions like if I'm living a double life pop out. Cos' it seems, my own family can't see the changes. I'm still confused by how she derived that I put my friends before my family. And the only faintest idea I have would be how I've just been busy with IWCP(Not that I think IWCP was bad. We got 1 salvation. That is more than enough to make everything worthwhile.) lately, which just happens to be after camp. Maybe she figured I'm running out to have fun again or something. I don't know. But it bugs me still. How she can't see it otherwise. And it bugged me even more, how her idea of punishing me involves making life miserable for everyone else around me, isn't enough for one person? Thankfully she felt merciful to the rest in the last moments. But still, I gotta' admit she is one scary person.

This isn't the first time, the silence and everything. Ironic though, seems like I've been seasoned to it all. I still remember, I use to plead and plead and plead. Now I'm just waiting it out. Trying to make things normal in the simplest of ways and everything. Like for example, sitting here right now. I just hope it doesn't last right till' 31 Dec 2008/1 Jan 2009. Cos' that'd be rather depressing.

Plus, I lost my wallet today. Brilliant right? Lost it in the bird park. I doubt I'm gonna' get it back though. But at this rate, I'm going to pay alot lot more for transport, so I plan to get it replaced, like tomorrow, before communion. See how well it's going now? ARGH.

You know, before it all, I thought it was some nonsense time where I was doing everything wrong(which I am actually) and some down period. And the stuff that went through my head was: "Ok God. Now would be a good time to come and rescue me." and like "Would this be the great new season? How great it is indeed." But if I think of it as a time of moulding, it all fits in. Considering how in a split second of being back from camp, wham. It came down.

I'm going to remember though, that God will never let me go, that he's holding me by my right hand. I just pray that there is still time to salvage Christmas...

Case closed.

2008-12-21T14:35:00.003+08:00

Ok. I shall not think about it no more. I came close to losing it all, but thank God it didn't happen. It was a lil' traumatic perhaps, but the outcome wasn't that bad. So there. Just hold firm and press on. It made me realise more can be done. Like, a lot more. So there.

"See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc; 17no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD. ~ Isaiah 54:16-17

I still don't really get why I'm where I am. But I believe there is a reason. It was a pretty good wake-up call I got from the whole thing I guess.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah: 55:9

Maybe someday I'll understand. But until then, I'll advance, run, trust. I'll stand and fight.

RAD(I)CAL FOR JESUS!!!!!!!!

2008-12-18T20:25:00.002+08:00

Right. So I am back from the awesome awesome Ignyte camp!!!!! I'm proud to say I am from the very awesome group of iFocus! Together with Esther, Rachael, Shalyn, Hannah, Daniel. Eu Dee, C.C.M, Yong Li, Wei Jie(AKA Turtle Boy/Jaja), Max, John, Haruki, and Suster Shirlene. WOOT!!!!

Camp has been a really radical thing for me, I'm really glad I went. Alot of my expectations I had were met, if not all and even more. It's hard to start, but well, I need to share or forever hold my peace(as Hannah would say). Hahas. Ok, I shall begin with games then.

GAMES
Day 1
So... On day 1, the theme for the games was Caring and Connecting. One game that I learnt from was "Frisbee Soccer". Just imagine soccer with a Frisbee instead, wut with different conditions. Right then. You know, it's a choice. We can choose to feel inadequate, we can choose to sit out and say: "I'm not good enough.", but when we do that, not only are we shortchanging ourself, we're leaving the rest to fight it out without our help. And even when we don't have much to offer. Just having one more person to pass the Frisbee to opens up many different opportunities. Just one person, is enough to impact the life of another. All are valuable to God, even just one.

I forgot the name, but one of the games, the one with newspaper, lines, jumping jacks, and cold ice water that actually burns. You know, the beginning of that game, it was hard, but after that, things got progressively easier. It's like reaching out. The beginning is always the toughest, yet, whenever we want to give up, we fail to realise the breakthrough is just a little further up. If we stop, we have to start from scratch the next time around. But if we push on, we will eventually reach. And I guess it's important to me, because I am a person who severely lacks patience. It's not that I don't try, it's the fact that I don't try enough. But times are changing, and so will I.

Next for day 1, the station where we had to eat wasabi biscuits and weirdo stuff to win items to build something that can transport an egg across a pool taught me indirectly, that each of us have our own talents, but if we choose not to step out and take on the challenge, that might not be other people who are able to take their place.

Day 2
Right, so day 2 games, the CSI station struck me quite hard. The whole suicide thing, and what the Marshall(whom I think is Sis Serling?) shared reminded me alot. That time is an uncertain thing, that we need to look out for the needs of others and try and meet them, cos' we never know when the unexpected might happen. And I fear regretting if that were to ever happen. I don't want to have to learn the hard way.

Another thing, was a reminder to stop gossiping. It's not that I do it intentionally and start the trend, but when the message is passed along, I sometimes do. Which is a bad thing, cos' I know what God sees in it is not righteousness. So yeah.

The 4th station was something that taught me many things as well. The one where we had to criticize/affirm and build/destroy with plastic cups/water bombs. Faith and friends are developed by spending time with God, and the enemy will do everything He can to stop you and tear whatever is built up back down. So we have to remain vigilant. Even if it means getting smacked in the face by a water bomb, and violent Bro ZhiHao throw more at you afterwards showing no remorse. Haha.

Day 3
We're on the last day of games! First game really showed how weak my memory verse knowledge is. I should really start memorising more. Ok. At last 5 a week. Sounds good to me. The station called Mission Impossible really was quite fun I must say. We had to do seemingly mad and impossible stuff. Especially when we poor things drew the "All girls" lot. Wah. Shalyn wasn't feeling well, Rachael has heart pains, Esther's back has a condition, Sis Shirlene isn't allowed to play, that leaves to girls; me and Hannah, to do 200 sit-ups and 200 push-ups. WOOHOO! We did fine for the sit ups(we have super abs! Not.) but the push ups required the guys help. Which was good. Cos' we had too little people, the Marshall let the guys help. I mean come on, we can't do 100 push ups each right. Perseverance is important, especially when paired up with faith. Unity in spirit, helps alot as well.

Last station which we have dubbed the "Sleeping game" was good too. We need to encourage each other. When one falls, we stop and pull each other back up. No one gets left behind.

SERVICES
Yes I know, we are finally one step nearer to my conclusion. I'm just going to be brief. I'm not gonna' regurgitate sermons here. The things I feel I should do, is to stop being a child. It's time to grow up. Believing in your own limitations and stuff isn't going to help but cause adverse effects. So it's time to face up, and believe. Through God, everything is possible. To have the courage to step out in faith and to be willing to sacrifice for God. And to remember:

Courage is found, and amplified in the midst of fear. The more you fear, the more you should face up.

As well as remember that God doesn't call you cos' of your background or talents, but the condition of your heart. He is the God of relationship, the God who calls us to greatness, the God who provides, and the God who transforms.

You know, if I keep this up, I'll never sleep. Lol. So I'll cut straight to the point from here on to the end of this post.

MY COMMITMENTS & MY CONCLUSIONS
I have been appointed by God to bring change and to make impacts for Him. I will stand in faith and I believe he will use me. I use to say I haven't got it in me, well, enough of that. If all have is prayer, I'll pray. If all I have is a mouth, I'll speak in faith. If all I have is the ability to help, then I will help. God's kingdom, is bigger than my own personal preferences. If he says go, I will. I will advance forward.

The time has come for a new season.

MISSION ACCOMLPLISHED!

2008-12-07T17:24:00.005+08:00

So. Ok. I didn't exactly not get distracted by the internet. But I did more or less get the job done. YIPPEE! Not just to wait and see for the reception. And fine-tune everything else I guess.

I'm getting worried though. For my eyesight. I can feel my right eye blurring more often now. Dang. I should really stop once in a while and take a break. What the posters I see in little primary schools are lies. Going outdoors to play DOES NOT stop your eyesight from getting worse. I play outside often enough ya' know.

So anyways, tomorrow is going to be an awesome day of pool games although one can only speculate on how challenging it's going to be with a couple of adults, a miniature brother, and 2 teeny cousins. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. I'm supposed to go for a meeting tomorrow. But cos' of the "No going out with friends on public holidays" rule my Mom has imposed on me(cos' I'm the only one allowed out and for that I should be thankful) I shall not be going. Oh well. At least I did pitch in. There's always Tuesday I guess.

I've pretty much begun the countdown to camp. 1 week now. Then I'll be packed off to Malaysia for good wholesome fun. Yippeedoo!

Ok. I shall go off now. Ciao. Before though, I strongly reccomend everyone reads Davelle's blog. It really really really cracks me up with all the cynical comments.

AWESOMENESS

STOP SLEEPING

2008-12-06T20:47:00.005+08:00

So guess what I've been doing the whole of today. Before I went to church, I was rotting in front of this here computer screen watching bacteria make houses in people's toes, and people fighting over books in libraries with guns and stuff. Great plan for the hols ain't it.

Well no actually. I kinda despise the slacking mode. The mountain of maths mentioned before is still the same height with minimal attempts to scale it from me. All I've been doing is whittling my time away. How many times do I need someone to remind me what I'm here for, and what I'm supposed to be doing? Garwsh.

Anyone who allows themselves to be distracted from the plan God has for them is not fit for the kingdom of God.

Owchies. Just read that yesterday and what was I doing this morning? Oh yes. Spoiling my eyesight. Great job Xiwen. That's so fulfilling your calling. Should have been writing that script that was due when? OH WAIT. TODAY. AWESOME job... Stoning in front of the goggle-box is not in any way a form of showing "I am ready.", neither does it show I'm availing myself. Worship is a whole-hearted lifestyle. Once more, head knowledge is useless without application...

That's it. Deadline is tomorrow night latest. I only fear that my brain will fail to think of jokes. Last time I wrote anything like this was what... in Australia? And even that wasn't the least bit funny. No wonder I never won the Tournament of Minds.

It's amazing. How others are so full of initiative. Like say, Davelle, who works(some people are mad) after O's, and in between finds time to make publicity items and buy boxes of candy canes. Those cards were awesome. And I'm (yes you guessed it) slacking in front of the computer. WAKE UP XIWEN! WAKE UP!!!!!!

Sides' from that. Sis Shirlene is making me feel anxious about who's in my camp group. She says that I'll like it. Although I figure she's probably hinting she's my AL or something. Haha. Should be fun either ways. Fammy just told me something really really funny. I shall remember it for a long time yet.

Ok. Enough of runaway thought train the 2nd. I shall stop here. Ciao.

Purple is a royal shade?

2008-12-05T13:30:00.002+08:00

Right then. So recently I've been busy, but enjoying it. Played guitar hero for the 1st time recently. And I CANNOT play the drums. For nuts. Sides' from that, Ruihan can cook. Really well. Even more 'wow' if you compare him to me who can't even separate egg yolks from the white. Well, I never exactly hid the fact that I failed Home-Ec anyways.

So I got a guitar early this week, and it isn't as easy as I heard it was(I do believe it was Aunt Julie who told me that when I was still in Aussie). Whatever it is, it's a big fat lie. The only song I can play is Heart of Worship, and even that has numerous pitfalls in the duration of the song when I play it. My fingers, are stiff, and halfway through they decided it's time to play statue and well, there ya' have it. Everything just jams. So I really need a teacher. Or I'll just end up butchering my fingers for absolutely no reason.

So volunteers are welcome.

I found out I have the exact same guitar as Rachel. I recall she described it as "Toast bread burnt around the edges". So true. I remember I asked Sis Rainne how long it takes to learn the guit. Apparently one month is enough if you have passion. Well then, in this case I'm an exception then. Cos' I'm just not good at it. Oh well. And who said purple was a royal shade? My fingers beg to differ.

I also discovered I like David Archuleta way more than David Cook. I mean what's with the moustache? First it was a fuzzball. Now it's like the beard got a shave and he's sporting a buzz cut 'round his mouth. But in case I'm giving any wrong ideas, I do not watch/like American Idol. It's WAY overrated. Really. I mean, how many more years(not to mention identical replicas all across the globe) does it take for them to realise that they're just mass producing "stars"? I actually think those that approach the producers and audition have more guts then those who just go for their stint at fame during A.I. season. Then again, I guess the producer's are just in it for the money they collect from the thousands of fanatics who make sure they exhaust their wallets to vote someone into the finals.

Enough of that then. Confusing this blog post is no? It's a runaway train of thought I tell ya'.

And I'm just being reminded about my pathetic niche areas by Rachel. Haha. She asks: "I've been meaning to ask you. What piano grade are you?" My answer? "3!(after 10 years no less)" I'm so great. So now I'm being made to remember what my mom said a few days ago. It goes like this...

Mom: Xi Wen ar. What's your forte? All your friends have something they're really good at. Some good at drawing, some good at cooking, you leh?
Me: Ers... Who's good at drawing?

But it's true to a certain degree. I don't have a forte. Unless you count slacking, and maybe being rougher than most girls my age. I'm not even like Xi Yuan, who gamely calls herself the "Jack of all trades". Great. Think pleasant thoughts Xi Wen.

Ok enough moping. There's still a tonne worth of maths worksheets to do. Sides' there's still plenty of room for perfection in the Heart of Worship Xiwen Style. Oh well. Plus, there needs some searching for more footy competitions and DSA admission schemes. Lolz. Just cos' I'm not confident for O' levels despite the school's promising statistics.

So now thanks to Rachel, YET AGAIN, I am made to think of what my goal is. XiYuan's one is in bold. "I AM THE FUTURE PILOT". She'll get there for sure. I'm 100% positive. Maybe I'll go sit on the balcony and think it out. Oh wait, I don't have a balcony anymore. Unless I climb out the window and into it. Cos' I just remembered last night, the door got filled and converted into a wall.

I've decided I'm going to change the blog skin cos'Xi Yuan AND Rachel complain it's too small for their eyes. Fine be that way. Grrr....

It's where I am- not where I've been

You make me want to live
You make me want to live
You came to shake us
And to wake us up to something more
Than we'd always settled for
And you make me want to live

But am I stirring from my sleep? Am I opening my eyes to the world around me?

the long awaited update

2008-11-30T14:35:00.004+08:00

So by popular demand *coughxiyuancough* the update shall commence! Right, I've been busy, slacking. You know how that takes up so much time. Been playing Audition, but it's time to stop gluing to the google-box and stop getting annoyed at my poor hand-eye coordination. So that's gone. Yippee!

HALOWEEN
So then, on Halloween, I went with Mali, Pei Yi, Vala, Bwong and sis, plus Hui Min to the Halloween event at escape. It was alright, fun I guess. But I think at the end of the day we were all, in unison, "We should have gone to the Night Safari." Haha. It was still fun though.

I just realised I have been MIA for a month exactly. Wow me. Can't remember exactly what has happened during the course of time so this update shall be restricted to the past one week.

SP Class
This week, I've been busy with the SP class down at Trinity@PL. I was the only one from my cell. Boohoo. But I still had fun. Thanks to the IJ Toa Payoh grad batch and the Sec 2s from SN. Apparently there's a bunchful of them over at PL. Cool eh. Learnt many stuff there. Like what the SPs have to do, their commitment, and responsibilities. It really makes you appreciate them so much more. Plus, I got to know more peeps like the bunches mentioned before and Sis Gwen & Lorraine.

SALTing
Went SALTing on Fri, at J8. Somehow me and Crystal have the knack of trying to SALT people and later on find out they're either Christian or Catholic. Haha. But that still counts. It's starting the convo that's the hard bit and turning it around into something deeper in my opinion. We SALTed one P6 girl fron SN. We were coincidentally located near one of those $1 pay per ride carousel things. She kept moving backwards, so by the time we were done, we ended up making half a round around the carousel. Haha. And we managed to get one salvation, praise the lord! Though the thing that bugs me right now is hard to make that decision count. Thankfully she's from the same school, same level as me, so I guess if I try, there will be chances for me to get to know her. After trying to a lil' though, you understand how hard the job is, and how well the SPs have done it.

CCA CAMP
So after that, I rushed back to school on Friday evening, all the way from Paya Lebar for CCA camp. Made it in time for the BBQ. Thr turn-up, as expected, was pathetic. Really really pathetic. My section never fails to let me down. All the Sec 3s not from Exco that turned up would be... me. Wow. 2 Sec 2s, who later left. I dunno if Huimin(from cca not the goofball one) had valid reasons or not, but I know GuiXian didn't really have one. 2 Sec 1s. The rest went MIA. Anyways, instead of joining my actually-not-much-of-an-existence section, I joined the Exco folks. So we had to dress up as ghosts and the sort for the night trail, but in the end the night trail just fell apart. Huge miscomm caused it. Wrong clues were given out. So like, me, Ling Hui, Sarah, Sirin, Lilin and Yanling didn't get to scare anyone. The Exco people were really bummed out by it. Plus there was the annoyed and disappointed mob.

So in the end, in order to make it up to them, we spend the night planning until 2 am. It was true the planning was a lil' flawed, but the Exco folks put in a lot of it. Plus the whole CCA wasn't exactly being a very cooperative bunch. People should really learn to have more empathy, and see things from other's point of view. No one really expected it to be that way. The CCA, we finally got in our heads, have a serious perspective issue. You know, the camp's objective was to bring the CCA together, if the members are all willing to cooperate, to enjoy themselves, we can do some military training and it'd still be fun. I've often been told this in the past, I never spent much thought on it before, but now I understand. "To be happy or not, to enjoy, or grumble. The choice is yours." Spent time with God after that until 3.30 am. A lot of them were like: "Is Xi Wen writing a diary?" but that's ok. Haha.

TAWG
Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
4No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--he wants to please his commanding officer. ~ 2 Timothy 2:3-4

The whole day, wasn't a bed of roses, maybe I'll talk about what happened during SALTing some other time, I lost my markers(every single one of them) cos' it fell out when my bag zip came open, the piano-ruler my dad bought for me after searching(my bro lost my original one i got from my old piano teach and I was really upset about that) for 2 years got broken into 4 pieces after a couple of cars cheerily rolled over my whole pencil case, the night trail, yeap. Great fun today was. But that verse was a good reminder for me to PUSH and to persevere, to remember that God works for the good of those who love him, and that I'm out to please him, and to give the glory to him. Life is like that, there are ups and downs. But no matter which part you're going through, God is still God.

MORE ON CAMP
Then we chatted until later on, at 4 am and ordered breakfast. I had McGriddles with warm milo, and after that, finally knocked out and 5.30 am. Haha. So essentially, I had 2 hours of sleep.

So we woke up round' 8. And it was time to continue with the camp. During breakfast, the-3-who-shall-not-be-named came up and said they wanted to leave. 1 had a valid reason, 1 had half a valid reason(but it seemed pretty last minute and invalid to me), 1 had absolutely no reason. Then Wenyi told them that she would not stop them from leaving, but they should think about it. They weren't the only ones who wanted to leave, but they were the only ones who were. And you know what? They just walked off. I felt so bad for her. 1 of those who left was from my section... Enough of that then. During the Oddity game, me and Rachel went bananas with Nehneh and we just started singing like mad people and cracking lamo jokes and hints for the different groups. Haha. That was just awesome. Then during captain's ball, I couldn't stop in time so I slammed into the lamp-post thing. So now I have this cut on my wrist that makes me look like some emo-freako who slit her wrist. Haha.

That said, found out I had meeting back in church at 1 pm so after camp, I had to rush back to CCAB to shower cos' apparently for security reasons, we weren't allowed to stay in school after 12 noon. So the rest pretty follows as this:

Shower>>>Meeting>>>Cell>>>Service>>>Home.

WEIRDO STUFF
I did TAWG last night as well, and I was writing in my journal as usual. But somehow round' 10, my brains finally got fried and I just had to crash. Eyelids couldn't open. So this morning when I decided I needed to spend time with God some more, I found out I pretty much wrote rubbish in the last moments of slight consciousness. The stuff I wrote made no sense. Like, there was: "Stop the mutiny or he'll stop her." I'm amazed at myself really.

There's more to be said on the last bit. But not tonight, maybe some other time. Like, tomorrow. Haha. There are still too many things swimming in my head. Not important but I feel like saying it anyway. This update, took the whole day. No kidding. Tomorrow there's recce down at Becky's humongous, ginormous house. Oh goody. And hopefully, if my dad feels nice(which I think he isn't), I'll get my guitar in the morning.

Right then. I'm off. There is still much that needs to be done.

Wake Up Call 80% effective

2008-10-29T19:44:00.002+08:00

Ok. I haven't posted in what seems like ages. Let's start with the silly pointless stuff first shall we.

Pointless Thing #1
Lately I've been playing audition(ok it was only 2 days) and I'm still level 6. Yes. It's been forever. I know nuts of the game. It's probably why I never was good at the piano. I mean if my lousy hand-eye coordination wasn't enough, I have short fingers. So I can't stretch. So in short, I suck at it.

Pointless Thing #2
I've been watching My Girl. So nice. I'm sadly, still one Ep 13 though. Haha. Like... after 6 months. Yes it's that bad. Gong-chan(I dunno what's his real name) is a pretty good actor. I think I'm gonna' get abs if I spend 3 hours watching that show every day. No kidding. GO WATCH GO WATCH!

Pointless Thing #3
I love bridge. Love it. Join me early in the mornings for a few rounds if you'd please.

Alright. That's a wrap. Moving on to the more important.

I think I've more or less gotten my wake up call. Good good. Feels good. I don't feel like an idiot or walking mask no more.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~ Isaiah 43:18-19

Cool cool. It makes me excited to think about what could possibly be in store for me. (Or as someone would say: egg-cited. Don't ask why I suddenly thought of that.) I think God's already dropped a few hints already. But they still sound a little far-fetched and stuff. Then again, he'll make a way. He said so.

Flip-side: I think I'm hearing all the wrong things and full of myself.

TOMORROW I'm going for breakfast at the Tau Huey stall with Hui Min, Jolene and co. CAN'T WAIT! The only problem? I think I might oversleep.

Not taking it seriously

2008-10-19T20:25:00.004+08:00

I annoy myself. Honestly. I say 'A', and do 'B'. Who on their right mind does that? I know what I want. But I don't wanna' work for it. I know which is the greater purpose, and which is more worth spending time on, but I choose to procrastinate. I know what I should be doing, but I get tempted and well, being stupid, allow myself to be diverted off course.

Argh. You know, aside from that, I'm starting to feel a lil' heat in regards to next year. So I'm going to start studying early.

I still feel like a hypocrite in a way. Like, I'm not exactly following what He said. Neither am I doing the obvious, which would be talking to Him. Yet I still try to reflect his love. Worship is a lifestyle. But it seems mine fluctuates according to my mood. Tch. Stupid really. I lack self-discipline. All of it.

Out of all the fruits of the spirit, I only probably have joy. And the tiniest bit of faithfulness. And even that is probably 10% of it's full potential. 10%, if I'm lucky.

I can't stand it, but I continue to do it. Someone needs to hit me hard.

MUSCLE CRAMPS

2008-10-12T18:20:00.002+08:00

You know what? I actually planned to give this post more thought but I can't stand the fact that I'm not following what I intended to do today except for slack. And now my movement is restricted cos' of the dumb muscle cramps in my leg (give me a sprained elbow any day) so I'm just binging and putting on weight. Yes I can't seem to stop eating.

So... bear with me here. Xi Yuan, has officially made me wanna' play flight sim. But she doesn't wanna' go check her tagboard so I guess I'll have to wait. And I was supposed to go cycling with Ler Yee, Vanessa, Jing, Siao Yi, and Hui Min but most of us can't make it so that got cancelled. Annoying...

Moving on, it's like, the 3rd day already. And the leg cramps are still hanging around. It's time like this I wish I didn't live on the 3rd storey of my house. Going up the stairs is fine. Coming down is another story. So, I decided to research on muscle cramps. And I have now officially come to the conclusion that they're caused by either...or:

1. Over-exertion (9 hours of playing. Not a surprise.)
2. Lack of water (Rather probable too.)

And the ways to relieve the dumb thing is to:

1. Massage the affected muscle
2. Apply heat/cold(preferably heat) on to the affected muscle
3. Drink more water

Yes I'm pretty much desperate here. And I keep getting sent off on errands by my parents, who are quite honestly, oblivious. But that's good too cos' my Mom would bar me from playing sports for the next 50 years if she knows. She asked me on Friday night:

"Xi Wen, when are you going to stop playing soccer?"

My answer:

"Er... Never?"

And so, Operation RMC (relieve muscle cramps) officially begins... Now.

Bye. Off to down gallons of water.

GAMES CARNIVAL

2008-10-10T20:52:00.006+08:00

This shall be a post purely about today. And nothing about stuff that may pop into mind. At least I'll try.

Games Carnival, itself, was crappy. Probably because we did not get into the semi-finals, much less the finals. (See, I was right. Things were different.) But you know, losing because I wasn't skillful enough(I'm still hoping it's cos' I'm just off-form) and losing because of silly rules are completely different.

Let's see. Scissors, paper, stone. Yeap. That was how we lost one match. No offence to anyone(*coughexceptsusiecough*), it is by far the MOST ridiculous way to settle a match EVER. Sorry Purity, but I'm still sore at the fact that we kept the ball 80% of the time at the other end(attack zone), and just cos' I kept hitting the crossbar(yes my aim sucks), we had to play scissors paper stone to settle the match. WHY DO YOU MAKE IT A WIN-LOSE SITUATION??? WHY NOT WIN-WIN? You see, if you draw, every one's happy. But when something stupid like this happens and we lose, well, obviously, I'm not happy.

I mean come on. WHERE IS THE HONOUR IN THAT? I want to play a proper match. Win or lose. I want to know the outcome is NOT because of some silly luck based game, but cos' there was something up in our skill level. Losing cos' of scissors paper stone, is NOT a way to do that. Let's use some common sense here people. You know Wisdom VS Justice? Their penalty shootouts were ENDLESS. But now, we didn't get to continue. We played what? That's right. SCISSORS PAPER STONE.

Ok. Never mind. Moving on. We played Grace. That was fine. And I can accept the fact that I let people down by missing out on that goal. But you know the thing about it that bugs me? It's how we only got 1 shot, and they got 2. Once more no offence intended. It's just how we didn't even get to play FAIRLY in that last bit. I'd like to lose with grace(the feeling not the class) but you know, not getting to carry on as STATED IN THE RULES is... disappointing. I still love you Ali. Just so you know. But then again, the fact doesn't change that I failed to save that ball. And because I locked my arm at the wrong time... Ah. My elbow hates me.

So I went around looking for the key and someone who could help me get my elbow guard. But to no avail, so I had to borrow money for a packet of ice. Epic fail Xi Wen.

Sometimes I find people so hypocritical. Although I myself am guilty of that from time to time. Me and my stupid double standards. But this really is dumb.

And to lift the whole mood. We won Diligence! I think(actually I know) Xi Yuan got pissed with me what with all the sliding around. But I did warn her that win or lose, we're going all out. Haha. Ooops. When she was just about to shoot(and I felt rightfully threatened)I slided and well, maybe too aggressively, and she didn't stop in time. So we both rolled. And Susie was behind us so I my mind was this:

"NO NO NO! PLEASE DON'T CALL ME OFF LIKE IN SEC 1! XI YUAN IS NO AMATEUR! SHE'S USED TO ME BEING VIOLENT!"

Cos' in Sec 1, she scolded me for being overly ers... competitive. And lectured me for an hour. Saying stuff about me going mad against amateurs. Her words. Not mine. So... I figure she left me alone cos' Xi Yuan is no amateur.

So now that I think about it, we won the top team in our category, but lost to the non-top teams. Well that sucks.

Well then, I must say kudos to Bwong and class. It was a good match. I LOVED the penalty shootout and how the whole school showed our apparent dissatisfaction at the gay scissors paper stone thing. Bwong did a great job. It's refreshing to see someone else win for a change.

So moving on to the MAIN HIGHLIGHT of the day, 11-a side students VS teachers. But as usual, the turn up was quite sad. Both on the part of teachers and students. But ever faithful Mr Ng was there(WE LOVE MR NG). And me and Xi Yuan wore our jerseys. I felt cool. Haha. So we played some awesome matches. On the teacher's side, Mr Sam, Mr Ng, Mr Tan Yong Ming, Mr Seth Tan, Mr Imran(who surprisingly turned up in jeans later on), Wahib(spell? He isn't old so unlike Xi Yuan I will not add Mr to it.) As usual, although it clearly wasn't an 11-a side match, we had great fun. It is VERY VERY FUN to keep shooting balls at Mr Ng in goals. He is like, super good at it. And he's very funny. (Yes I like Mr Ng, the best teacher in the whole school.) And we juggled(I manage to do 6 now), shot, and played matched. I scored a couple(maybe more but my memory sucks) so that made me elated! Xi Yuan sooo owes me a drink now.

Along the course of playing(from 2.30-4.30), I occasionally felt jams in my calves. So well, someone is obviously trying to warn me about the cramps approaching. But you see, being dumb and deaf, I didn't pay attention. So when it got increasingly frequent, like when I'm going to kick, I feel it jamming in the middle, I associated relieving cramps with stretching. So I did a calf stretch.

That was it. Both legs buckled and I was down and out. Thankfully, Mr Ng saved my butt. Haha. So I didn't have to wait it out like I normally do. By normally, I mean the gay idea whereby I get leg cramps in the middle of the night in bed. Strange, I know. But you know, it is by far the worse cramps ever. In the sense that I feel like I have stones in my calves. And cos' it's super stiff. How on earth am I supposed to play basketball tomorrow? So than, when Mr Ng told me to sit in the shade for a bit, EVIL Mr Tan Yong Ming(Let's call him TYM) decided we should:

"Let's juggle around Xi Wen. Whoever hits her scores."

Oh. Fabulous. That's how they treat the injured. There is no need to guess who was the one deliberately aiming at me all the time.

So anyways, before our very last match, we took a photo of our backs. Pretty cool pic if you ask me.

Do not ask me why Mr Ng is dancing in the middle. Cos' I don't know.

Well anyways, we decided to play one last match. Was pretty sweet if you ask me. Mr Imran joined us then so it's like, half + half = 1! We're even! Pretty fun. But my aiming sucked. I totally blame my lack of balance. Anyways, we have GOT to do that again. I'm thinking, the 2nd last day of school. Provided it's NOT on a CCA day.

Oh goody. I can't wait!

PSYCHED OUT

2008-10-09T22:19:00.002+08:00

I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW! IT BETTER NOT RAIN! IT'S GONNA' BE AWESOME. THINGS WILL DEFINITELY BE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR. UNITY IS SOOOO GONNA' WIN!

GO UNITY!

YES I'VE LOST IT.

Confident Communicators is rubbish

2008-10-08T15:50:00.002+08:00

An absolute waste of my time and money I tell ya'. First off, it costs a bomb, second of all, I can't quit. Third, I feel like they're teaching me to be someone I'm not. Going around praising everyone forcefully. Revolting.

4 more days of horror... Tomorrow, Mon, Wed, and Fri. Like... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you know, the way they try to make people feel comfortable is disturbing too. I'm not a touchy person. So I don't like it when someone keeps going up to me and rubbing my back. I ain't no cat. Try talking. Less touching.

That said, I shall try not to think of how I'm going to waste my time there for another 4 days and will pretend that it's all a bad dream I'll wake up from in no time.

I will now proceed to doing the very thing I want to do, yet have not been doing properly. Goodbye. And remember, if you ever sign-up for MindChamps, NEVER sign-up for Confident Communicators.

Disgusting V2

2008-10-06T17:36:00.003+08:00

There was actually another post here but it shall remain as a draft.

I'm dead beat. Exhausted, about to collapse. And not cos' I studied. I'm just tired... Tomorrow's the last paper. And will mark the 4th paper I'm not gonna' study for.

Super sleepy. Maybe I'll go attempt to redeem my fitness level now. Then shower, and watch Horton. Because honestly it is the BEST show I have seen this year. Then I'll need to talk to God. Because apparently I have been losing concentration due to my pathetic state of consciousness these few days.

Goodbye then.

I LOVE MY NOISY CELL!

2008-10-04T21:22:00.002+08:00

We are the noisiest, coolest, bunch there!!!

Considering the rate I blog now, and the rate I study, it's safe to say something has rewired my brain into thinking it's the holidays already. So the AM paper is on Monday, and everything I studied has pretty much faded. Great. Now I officially have 1 day to cram everything back in. Plus the chores and everything else.

You know, I'm DESPERATE to play some sports. Like, badminton, basketball, soccer... Oh gosh. I even resorted to playing with my Primary 2 neighbour for 5 minutes of badminton. I'm that desperate.

Moving on to my very UNFIT state, I shall tell you why I'm feeling a lil' sad for Games Day on Friday. I did sit-ups and push-ups yesterday, and I'm aching EVERYWHERE. Stomach aches. Back aches. Shoulder aches(but that might just be the dumb shoulder blade causing problems) and neck aches(up to the bottom of my chin). Yes I said neck aches. Like the front of your neck. What kind of person gets neck aches?! So I'm determined to start running in an attempt to build up my stamina and muscles before Friday. I also don't wanna' die when we play 11 aside with the teachers. Haha.

Oh gosh. I'm too busy chatting with Ting Yan. I'll just cut everything short. Besides, I'm lacking inspiration.

True happiness

2008-10-03T13:19:00.007+08:00

I'm brimming with happiness. A joy higher than elation and WAY beyond anything drugs and stuff can give you. It's been so long, so long, since I felt this way. Like, for no apparent reason, I'm just bouncing with joy. Oh gosh. I love this feeling.

Alrighty then. Today's SS test, considering I studied 2 hours only, the paper, was AWESOME. The only problem is that, I finished right on the dot. And the half a chapter I studied for did NOT come out. Yet I have a really good feeling about the whole paper. Even inference seems good. I'm actually being very positive right now and believing it's possible for a B. So there, when I said I can pass SS with God, I wasn't lying.

Aside from that, the hesitation that I had seems to be fading away bit by bit. Which is a good thing. It's such a great feeling, to be encouraged by everyone, left and right, plus God too. I won't lie, I'm terribly excited. Now, life is more than the here and now, it's not about studies, it's not about meeting the expectations. Neither is it about getting an ipod/itouch(depending on the folk's mood). It's about Him. When you realise that God is real and the stuff he can do to a person, everything isn't as important anymore.

I've got so many promises in him. It's kind of scary how there's so much more to look forward too. I haven't got everything perfect and all but hey, it's improving.

I just got a new cd player cos' my old junkie disc player from some ancient garage finally died. Plus a new cd. So yeah, that contributes to the happy, but not as much.

You know, now looking at what I was doing last night instead of studying SS, as I sat there in Coffee Bean, I was like cut off from the world. Not in the emo-all-alone sense. But the way in which it was like viewing the things moving and changing my life. And I realised I still have yet to treasure all that I have. I take so many things for granted, God's love, my parents, my dad, my mom, my brother(oh gosh. I never imagined I'd say that), my sister, my cousins, my friends. There's still so many things left undone. So many things left unsaid, many things lost. As I sat there, I received a message wishing me luck from my cousin(Yaqi). We haven't talked since like, 1-2 months ago. Our relationship(like sisters) faded with me moving to Australia. Our lives, took very different paths. Relating to one another is a challenge in itself. Yet, the opportunity came. I thought I was mad and overambitious at first. But when those words came, it was worth it.

"Thank you for all those words. It motivated me in some sense!"

I wanna' do stuff and impact the lives of others. Big or small, I don't want to remain the encouraged, I want to be the encourager.

"Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand." ~ Isaiah 14:24

"For the Lord Almighty has purposed, who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out and who can turn in back?" ~ Isaiah 14:27

Doubt? There is no place for that. The only option is to surrender. Stopping isn't even on the list. He hasn't given me a reason to show he's not worth it. In fact, he's all there is. The prize, the goal, the one.

"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." ~ Ephesians 5:14

Yes yes. Time to wake up. Time to see through his eyes.

Baby Steps

2008-10-02T15:36:00.003+08:00

I seem to be blogging more often now even though it's still technically the exam period. But I think 70% of me has decided what comes, comes. Sometimes I find my pathetically short attention span problematic. No wait, make that all the time.

Physics test, was... rubbish. I'm sorry Brander Na! My bugging you for like half the day yesterday has all come to waste! Because 90% of what I asked you, and studied(sort of) did NOT come out. So I'm pretty much I can kick the whole idea of reaching the goal they've, and myself, have decided upon.

But of course, it's just going downhill tomorrow. Considering it's the dreaded SS paper. Ah... my arch nemesis, whom I can't seem to EVER pass against. Even if I get by some divine stroke of (luck? Maybe not) something, an a1 in geog, my beloved is just gonna' tear the lovely dream into shreds, shambles, you get the idea.

So wait, why am I NOT studying SS right now? Well, quite simply, I don't have all that much of motivation. Ironically, what I was so caught up on a couple of weeks, has taken a back seat, to allow front row box office thrones to(my delight actually) knowing more about God. Yay!

There are a million things that I still have to fix in my life(not kidding) considering I'm probably the rashest, most impulsive, violent, proud, arrogant baboon in the whole entire world. Not very much helped by the fact that I'll shoot my mouth off if pushed to that point(which doesn't take long actually). But I pray that in the days to come something/someone will just waltz up to me and knock some sense into my thick skull.

List of things to drill into my head:
1. It's not about me.
2. I'm not an accident. (Although I think already got that bit)
3. Life is a test and a trust. (Which upon close scrutiny, I don't seem to pass very well)

Plus the benfits of having/knowing my purpose:
1. Knowing my purpose gives meaning to my life.
2. It simplifies my life.
3. Motivates it.
3. Prepares me for the bigger things to come.

"Though you may not think you're ready, but God will make you. God doesn't call the prepared, he prepares those He calls."

So much has been said about this thing for the past 3-4 days. Yet, I'm still testing out the waters, is it too cold, or too deep. Minimum distance is covered each day, yet each day, I want more. Fear is a VERY annoying thing. I'm still trying to close my eyes and just jump. Let whatever comes, come. I already know the sea is deep, so it's kind of strange how I'm like, taking it inch by inch, foot by foot, like I'm convinced I'll hit a rock and drown or something. I still need to think somemore. I need someone to kick me off the shore. Cos' then, there'll be no turning back once you're in. But I guess there still needs to be a trade-off around. He can't very well prepare me if I don't let go and take the plunge. I predict the long night ahead of me again then.

Time to use more of my secret weapons then. And upgrade them in the process.

Right then. I'm off to attempt to mug for SS so as to avoid impending doom tomorrow. Astalavista (baby)!

ORANGES and CLAP PUSH-UPS

2008-09-30T20:01:00.004+08:00

I don't think I wanna' be ending off the blog for a while with a super long emo post.

I LOVE ORANGES!!!!

They're one of the best. So juicy. YUM YUM. All good fruits must be juicy I tell ya'. And, they're relatively available. Although it seems my stock supply has run down to 2 good oranges left. I shall be getting my Mom to get more them. ORANGES!

Ok yes. Ad for my orange blobs of juice is done. As you can see, I can't seem to stay away from the i-can't-be-bothered-to-study-anymore mood. I'll have to force my butt into study mode tomorrow before the Physics paper, and then after that, a desperate attempt at passing SS so I don't pull down my hopefully a1 for geog which I worked my butt off for. After that, maybe a lil' AM and minimal lit, then....

YES IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!

But, still a ways off. I'm having severe withdrawal symptoms from not playing any form of sports. It's been far too long. I told my dad I wanted to go kayaking, and he agreed. But I must say I'm fearful of the idea that I think we're gonna' collapse a million times if we're on the same boat. I don't think I need to give a picture.

Yesterday, while I was slacking around the house(I still am actually), my bro was trying to act macho, and was trying to clap push-ups, which obviously didn't work cos' he can't even do guy push-ups. So while I was watching him look silly, my dad came(I was having visions of earthquakes and flattened faces) and was like: "Come. I show you how to do clap push-ups."

Creepy. Yes he succeeded. I gave him the ego boost. He was like: "So long never do already. Dear ah, I can still do clap push-ups eh!" and "See Xi Wen? I'm still very muscular ok!". So, I decided to try. Yes I was being geh kiang. After I clapped, I landed on my elbows. AHHHHH. Now I have a bruise on my elbow... Why is it the round blobby can do it and not me! I aim to do at least 1 by the end of October!!!!!!! My dad, still full of ego, was going: "BOUNCE! Use your strength to bounce up!" I am NOT a kangaroo.

I suppose you'd have figured it out, but I'm obviously not studying physics at the moment. So in an attempt, I shall now face the books. I've got so many other things to say, a lil' more about the garbage happenings in my house, the dim light from the door on the other side of my mind, so many things. So little time. I miss the times where I can actually afford to climb out on the ledge of my house and just stare into the forest. So I guess until then, I'll have to make do with the train ride this Sunday again.

So there, I'll be off now. Got 1 hour to do as much physics left(so not reaching the goal of finishing physics today) then there's 2 hours of stone and think time. Ironic how I like to think, but not about studying.

Oh wait, now I've got half an hour left. Brilliant.

The questions

2008-09-27T21:13:00.004+08:00

How long has it been. 2 weeks? Felt like forever, still does.

For the past 2 weeks I've been caught in this vicious cycle of, pretty much, little purpose in life. Wake up, I think of studying. After school, I think of studying. Before I sleep, I think of studying. Yes, God did not manage to fit in to the busy schedule. If anything right now, I'm guilty. But still stuck.

It's not like I haven't felt the voice inside gently prompting me. Yet, I think those prompts were pretty much screams in its own right. Like screaming: "DON'T DO IT! DON'T put the BOOK(yes I mean the books. What the world has come to...) in front of GOD!" But then, do I choose to listen? Nope. I'm the moron that just loves to play deaf(maybe that's why I can't hear very well).

So moving on, ever since the chem paper ended, I've been pretty much slacking. Like, it's lit, and I know I've got to form all the links and everything by Monday. But I'm just so distracted.I look at the computer, and I think: ARGH! 1 week still... 2 more to go... I need a break(and so Hui Min keeps telling me) but I can't afford any. And as a result? I keep thinking about it all. How I despise studying, how I must study, and how I wish I could stop.

The week before as I frantically mug away for the EOYS(I blame it on Geog. Mrs Sheepforest's 3 miserable chapters was a good description. It sure made me miserable.) I slept at 12 or later every night, got up at 6 every morning, and then the same thing would happen again. I was so caught up in my own world, I didn't stop to read the bible even for that few minutes that I could have. Then on Sunday night, you could say I was 抱佛脚-ing and all, but at least I did. I decided to go back to God, and spend whatever time I had left. And so I was brought to the verses:

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord. ~ Proverbs 21:31

What on earth was I thinking? Mugging away like some mad person, but then, if it isn't according to God's plan, I'd just be wasting all that effort. Sure when you study you do better than if you didn't, but if God isn't with you on that plan, what's the point? Get a good job, get paid good, but then what good does it do? What we store up on Earth can't follow us to heaven or hell, whichever it is.

From then on, I tried to get my life back on track. Not that it's going very smoothly. Still bumpy, but better. Still far, but nearer. Almost a week later, yesterday night, another verse.

"Tell me you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday, why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flock of your friends?" ~ Song of Songs 1:7

I recalled the incident last week(or was it Monday?). It was Chinese lesson and because we weren't allowed to study cos' the teach finally got pissed after a whole term, me, Ler Yee, Jing, Hui Min, and Ahmad(new addition like... since that day and that day only) were have our not-so-secret gathering of the noisy. And somehow, me Ler Yee and Jing seemed to be on the topic of church life(boring Hui Min I think. Or at least leaving her out. My bad.) and then they went on about something like "Xi wen is passionate for Christ." and that's when I did it. I denied God. at least I feel like I did. What they said, perhaps it was true a few weeks back, but there and then, it was certainly false. I was NOT near Him at all. How can you count, someone who has neglected God by not even stopping to spend time with him, passionate for Christ? It was just wrong. When someone says something good about you, but you know it ain't true, well, simply put, the feeling sucked.

Moving back to the dilemma of how I'm still darned distracted, today, I spent 3 hours idling away my time. On the computer, apparently studying(although we all know that was only 10%). And then, halfway through, I was contemplating the idea of not going to church once more(just like last week) and my crappy excuse was? Nah. Don't wanna' go. Too busy. Got to study. When obviously I was listening to music. But then I thought of something(Oh gosh, this post is a roller coaster in no order. This train of thought is quite simply, a train wreck. If my essay is like this, I'm getting a 5 out of 25).

Last week, I didn't go for church service. I actually was already to leave the house. Then on my way out of the gate, I got into a fight. With none other than my Mom. Brilliant. It was the old problem back again. Guess I never really got rid of it. It always seem to come back. Anyways, so I got in a fight, and I pretty much was desperate to get out. But then she went: "If you leave the house in such a rude manner, don't come back!" You know, the people I see, many of them have little flaws I can see. But me, I'm like Swiss cheese. Full of holes. One of them has been labelled "impulse" and another, "pride". So I stopped, ripped off my shoes, and stormed back in before shutting myself in my cave of a room. I don't remember what I fought over. Then again, I don't remember much anymore.

So anyways, that was just the preface. What I remembered was Davelle's messages. On Monday night, before Round 1 of EOYS began, she messaged me. On the Sunday of the week I went missing from church, she apparently noticed my absence. And then we got into this round of half concern, half garbage talk(garbage is actually healthy once in awhile). And somehow, we ended off after her telling me to read Nehemiah 1-6, with me telling her when my exams were. So, the night before it all began, as I left off earlier, she messaged me this:

"Hope you aren't still awake cuz it's rlly late, but all the best for your exams! Don't be stressed k. Trust in God He'll definitely bring you thru. GO XIWEN! :D"

and before that

"You still have one more yr before the real test so do your best but don't get too stressed k. I'll be praying for you."

I'm amazed at how the simplest of acts can hit a person so hard. I never imagined her to remember. Figured it was one of those generic questions one would ask at this time of the year. And she did it at 2 am. God knows what she was doing. Watching some Man Utd match I figure.

So I decided to go. We have finally reached the present day/night. Congratulations, you have just made it out of long long long paragraphs of a few incidents in 1 week.

Worship was... wrong. Like, I was wrong. Heart of worship just wasn't there. And the people around me noticed it(go figure who if you're bored enough). The words didn't come from the bottom of my heart. They just... were words. Nothing else. And the act of raising up your hands. I knew what lifting your hands meant. And I knew I couldn't do it. To surrender. How hard that was in itself. I mean, I tried, but it all seemed wrong, like I'm acting in a show I got the wrong role for. So I was like, trying, and stopping, and trying again. And Davelle kept asking me if I was stressed. Not that I gave a clear answer.

Service. It was about Growing Deeper in God. The main passage:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit. while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me and you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is my father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." ~ John 15:1-8

Summing it all up, the stuff that I fail to do are:

1. Serving God with whatever I have.
2. Putting God first in everything I do, everyday of my life.
3. Commit to desire to grow in knowledge and in heart. (Oh I do the desire just fine. But that alone with no action is useless.)
4. Submitting to God.
5. Giving honour to him in my speech and attitude.
6. Be willing to listen and take up the challenge.
7. Forcing myself out of the comfort zone.

Wow. Danged long list. All revealed in the span of hmms... a couple of hours. Imagine if service were to last a school day... Never mind. I don't want to.

So, altar call. I responded, but I don't know to what. Everything I guess. Usually there's one point my mind focuses on. But not today. I just knew I had to. You could call it exaggerating, cos' I wouldn't be surprised if I had went bonkers last week. But I think I was trembling. Not in the quaky-gonna'-faint way. More of the there's-a-mini-earthquake-in-me-from-my-legs-up way. Then P.Gary said something about "You know you've been called..." and it got worse. Evolved into a grenades-are-being-thrown-around-your-heart kind of trembling.

Maybe I'm just going mad. Like a state of confusion(I am remind of Hermia. Eww.... and Helena... Eww-er...). I don't know. But one thing's for sure. It's amazing how God can be so faithful to you, willing to pour blessings on you, even though you were being the idiot that runs away and avoids him. Even though you were the unfaithful one. I can attest to it. Cos' thus far, EOYS has been good. Save for maybe Chinese.

Amazing as well, that God sends such things when you're in a deep state of pondering over it all, through people you've not spoken to in ages too.

1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask for the square footage of your house. He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet. He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5. God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6. God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7. God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived. He'll ask how you treated your neighbours.

8. God won't ask about the colour of your skin. He'll ask about the content of your character.

9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of hell.

Before I left for the bus stop, for the i-don't-know-how-many-time, Davelle asked me again, if I was stressed. Haha. I thought it was funny. I can't give a straight answer because I. Don't. Know. I feel stressed, and not stressed. Contradictory. I know. I just know something's a lil'(Ok maybe a lot.) off somewhere. I still don't know what though. Even after thinking for a good 2 hours. The answers still aren't there. I guess I'll only find out in time what it actually is. Hopefully sooner than later.

Writing this, I guess I needed the means of actually thinking. Some would say such things are best written in paper, but I don't fancy the idea of writing all that much considering I'll be doing plenty of that in the next 2 weeks. Might as well type my fill of it all right now, while I'm still thinking. Besides, I think it's 2 hours well spent instead of making a futile attempt at MSND. But I'll end here. Blogger is giving me auto save errors already. I doubt anyone would have reached this part of my post anyways. It's far too long.

Ending off, to Davelle(although I hope you don't read this cos' your O's are in like... 2 weeks):

Thanks for being there and noticing the things that In probably wouldn't have paid much attention to myself. Gosh, I love my SPs. They rock. And above all, thanks for remembering.

Week 1

2008-09-13T22:52:00.002+08:00

Ok. I feel this needs a new post. And since, for the 2nd day in a row, I have decided me and my books need some space. I'm that focused.

So this week, has been a pretty good, but not good enough attempt at mugging and turning hermit. Sure for the 1st few days(4) it pretty much worked, but then I hit the AM, and the first one to greet me was dear old Factor and Remainder Theorem. The first ones to traumatize me with a horrific FAIL in the test.

Plus the dang sick thing in me. Dumb fever, dumb flu, dumb throat, and the dang nose is like the city area every morning and night. Congested. At least it's better now. AND THE TRIGO TEST! Erk... Horrible. Isn't worth describing at all. If I pass, it's a miracle. Really, I couldn't do a single question...

So the hurdles I cleared this week would be:
Chemistry (still got to do every worksheet and test again + write out Redox Reaction notes)
Physics (worksheets + tests + notes on Temperature and Transfer of Energy)
E Maths (did minimum questions but I feel relatively safe this one)

No I'm still behind time. I was supposed to complete AM 2 days ago. So tomorrow onwards for at least another week's break, I'm gonna' give it my all at avoiding the computer's call. INTENSE 7 CHAPTER STUDY FROM THEN ON! Or I'm not gonna' make it. I realised, in 2 days, I'd be left with 1 week before it all starts. Dang.

Tomorrow I've got to send my bro for MindChamps. (Yes I graduated. YES!) So I'll be forced to wake up early. Haha. Good. Then I'll be forced to study too.

Breaking away from this whole "happy stress", today wasn't all the fantastic. Sucked really. Feel like a hypocrite. Went to FUEL and talked about loving your parents and honouring them. Talked like it didn't really apply to me anymore ever since like, the beginning of the year, then had Face to Face. Which sucked too. Not that there was anything bad about it all. The bad was me. I had half a mind not to go today, cos' I was tired and didn't wanna' rush. But I forced my butt to move. Went all happy, but I couldn't really feel God that strongly as compared to 2-3 weeks ago. Even TAWG seems like a routine now. After that, went to celebrate my Dad's birthday, and I screw up. Don't know what's wrong with me. We were sitting there at Sushi-Teh, ordering food and all, then my idiotic brother stretched over the table onto my side for the 10th time( and it feels gross trust me. I don't even know if he bathes) and because I've been telling him to stop stretching over and just sit, I got annoyed so my tone changed. I didn't shout, but I was definitely showing my annoyance and told him to SIT DOWN. Ah so it went:

Me: SIT DOWN WILL YOU?!
Him: Clamp it.\
Me: Shut up. I told you to stop leaning over and just sit.
Him: Clamp it.
Me: SHUT UP! You don't tell me to shut up. You're the idiot climbing over me.
Him: Clamp it sutzy.
Me: What the hell? Shut up. (I began to shove him on his chair cos' he's an asshole.)

Then my Mom started screaming. And she kept cutting me off every time I said something. And I HATE it when I feel wronged so like, as usual, I don't listen. What the hell is a Sutzy anyway? I've heard it before, probably some rude shit word and he was lying: "Just a name I gave you." What the hell, how bout' I call you dumbass. 7 months ago before I really knew God, I would have punched him in the face there and then. So it should be considered an act of kindness... I had half a mind of doing it again. I HATE going out with him. Or having friends over when the idiot's at home. Cos' when people are around, he suddenly feels this need to show off(even with his friends) and starts acting cool and tough(he's a coward, always hiding behind people). Then every time I ask him to go away and leave me alone, he goes Clamp it. ACT ANG MOH! Just cos' we lived in Australia for 3 years... Lately I noticed, he's been using his Ang Moh accent more often than me(and I do it subconsciously from time to time) and he's doing it on purpose. You can hear it. And he thinks having a girlfriend is cool. So easily influenced... AND HE'S PRIMARY FOUR!

So stopping beating around the bush, my Mom told us to go out. So I did. Walked out. But before that, I accidentally banged the table. I was grabbing my stuff off the table but who knew I was so pissed I banged it instead. And I was like going "oops" in my head and all but thanks to pride, I didn't clear it up and the woman next to me went "Aiyoh" so I wanted to tell her to shut up too. Annoying... Then I wanted to take a bus home. But decided against it cos' I don't have the key. And so I went to the toilet to hide. Cos' I knew I'd just be standing there and doing my best not to come out, I chose the squat one. Then got some girl die also must go on the squat toilet and she stood outside and kept banging on the door. So I felt the urge to shout at her. Of course I didn't. So I pretended to flush, wash my hands, and left. Then my dad smsed me to go back in since it's his birthday, so I did. Just damn pai seh. On the way, I bumped into Debra Goh. Die.

I tried explaining about the bang table thing but then my mom hates to be wrong so she didn't believe. I didn't bother to argue cos' I pretty much know her. Took 2 hours for her to decide she'll believe me. (maybe she was meditating on it. I don't know)Oh and for the record, after that, my brother started acting all nice. Eww...

Still feel like a hypocrite... I need to do some serious TAWG tonight.

Just cos' I feel like boasting of my strange pets, I shall.
Haro(dog): She thinks she's a cat. And a bird. I'm convinced. She goes around licking people. Gets jealous easily, and eats bird food as a snack.

Thing/Ninja + Cheetah + (name I forgot)(tortoises): We picked them all off the road. Don't ask me why we seem to see them everywhere. They thought they were snaked once, found a snake egg, and tried to incubate it. Didn't work. Egg rotted. Haha.

Tweety(bird unknown species): New addition. Recently found it's way into our house, next to Haro's cage. Luckily she was locked. Still a chick, it's green, yellow, and black, and NOT a parrot. It thinks it's a dog... Wags its tail...

Haha.

I need You, Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

So long.

Sept Hols

2008-09-05T21:25:00.004+08:00

So it's been awhile. This week, the Sept hols, has in no way shown me it is the hols save for the fact I wake up later than normal. Everyday, I wake up and must remind myself to study, everyday, I feel like flinging the books out the window or at someone's face(Not angry with anyone. Just figure of speech). I HATE studying. And every time I exclaim that, my dad goes: "That's not the right attitude." Yeah right. You'd think I'd know that. Which I do, but I can't help myself. I despise it.

So this week has been pretty much nothing but Chem, chem, and wow, you guessed it, chem. Sure there were a few chapters of Physics here and there and maybe a sad pathetic attempt at A Maths in preparation for the test next week, but nothing much came out of the last one especially. I'm just too lazy and sick of numbers. But I find my strength in God so that brought me through the 7 chapters per day quota. Why 7? Cos' I've got 2 weeks left. Brilliant.

Aside from Chem, we just went through the gruelling form of torture disguised as NJRC. No it ain't pleasant. We failed miserably. A sad 20 points to be precise. But then to a certain extent, I can't be complaining considering we did the program this morning and all. I saw Anthony at the spectator hall. Embarrassing. 3 years and no sign of improvement. Plus I think I have a pretty good idea of how cramped people lived in squat houses back in the was/post-war period. Just look at the booth. Sad. It's only at most 3 times the size of my storeroom (and that's like Pandora's box kind of small. Only without the "hold every evil" factor cos it barely held 4 people) Also, there was this guy in the booth I think from Dunman across ours. And he was sleeping, everyone that walked past laughed at him cos' his mouth was open, then his friends went back to the booth and one of them stuck a pen in his mouth! Haha. So after that, he woke p and decided to close his mouth. And he was alone again. Then as I was looking at him remembering the whole pen thing, his mouth dropped... HAHA! I burst out in hysterical laughter after that. Xi Yuan even dared ask me if I would every come back for another NJRC! The answer?

NO WAY. The whole carrot of going to JC asides from good results is the resolve of QUITTING infocomm.

You have no idea how bad I want to quit. Just that I can't cos' of CCA points. Heaven knows why I chose that instance in Sec 1 to obey my Mom instead of the other opportunities.

The train ride home was hilarious. We got to the train station then we decided against cramming in with everyone else. Sardines in can Xi Yuan said. Then when the 2nd one came, it was empty! So we overreacted and went: WOAH! Really loudly. Then according to Debra, who decided to be gentle, me and Xi Yuan were barbaric bulls charging in front to grab a seat. Xi Yuan was like fattie, sitting on 2 seats cos' she was trying to save for Debra, than when Debra was within striking distance, she removed her hands. Than Debra didn't run, so the uncle next to her moved nearer. End of seating haven for Debra. Haha! After that for the whole train ride to Ang Mo Kio, insanity found a cosy spot in our minds. Great fun.

Went home and read 3 chapters of Breaking Dawn, I got hooked since a couple of days ago when the interesting stuff started. Quite shocking really. I didn't even expect such a thing to happen. I shouldn't get too hooked though, then I'll stop studying. I'm striving for 8 chapters a day next week onwards. No idea how though. My relaxation days are over for 3 long weeks once that starts.

Stuff from TAWG last night(today morning considering it was 1 am):

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. ~ Psalms 143:8

Show me the way, your way.

EXIT

2008-08-31T19:55:00.003+08:00

Jing made my day super happy yesterday. Cos' she didn't get a formal invitation, but she came anyway. For EXIT I mean. Thanks and I hope you got something out of it.

The drama team did a really good job at it. Especially those that played Mark and Nicholas. I got such a shock when Mark got dragged off screaming and all, especially when he went: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" I whipped my head back to the front immediately. Then went Nick got dragged away too, I took great care not to follow him with my eyes. Such a shock. I think I got traumatized.

I'm sure everyone wants to leave behind a legacy. Maybe we don't all say it out. But I don't believe we go through life just cos' it's been given to us and not wanting to do stuff to be remembered out of it. When we leave this Earth, what is it would we have wanted to accomplish before time runs out? I want to make an impact on the lives around me. I want to bring that shining light in this world, the one who leads people to Him. I believe, you can be a garbage collector, but if you find purpose in what you do, then I guess you've got a great job. Talking a bit too far maybe, so let's rewind to now. We ain't got no job. Unless you consider that of a student, but I believe there's more to what we are here on Earth for. Not to study and mug your youth away then get successful(not that I don't want to), not to idle time away and then, at the end, regret everything. Some might argue, 1 person. What can you do? Nothing much. Maybe if you're lucky, a couple of people. But imagine this, that 1 person manages to touch 2 others, and the other 2 further reach out to another 4, and on this goes. I'd like to believe that's what will happen.

You know, when I said in the previous post I didn't feel far from God, I was speaking relatively. After EXIT, I realised, how truly far away I feel. I haven't been doing proper TAWG and all. Like, I get so easily distracted. So there I'm gonna' change that. I remember, this verse the night before OBS.

Tremble, earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob,

who turned the rock into a pool,
the hard rock into springs of water.

~Psalms 114:7-8

I pray and hope, that well, God will really transform me. Like the rock. That he will use me as a vessel to bring forth springs of water, to do his will in this world and that by my efforts and his mercy and grace, that I'll be able to see people, make that decision to know Him.

And thanks to EXIT, I'm hooked on to the song What if. (Can be found on my music play list)

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

OBS

2008-08-30T11:39:00.001+08:00

Too much to say, too little time. So I'll summarize. By the way, we are BATTUTA!

Monday:
Went of and all. So like, took the ferry. At the beginning, we got split into 2 different groups and me Siao Yi plus Angel got separated from the rest of 3U. We were so sad! (But we love Battutta LOADS now! Haha) So yeah. Just started packing for all the expeditions and all, which was ok. We did some trust falls too. Quite fun. Plus a few games here and there. Plus basic belaying. Belaying, may I tell you. It scary. More for the belayer. Cos' if you're not holding down to the ground hard enough, and your friend falls, well simply put... So do you. Haha.

Tuesday:
We did hiking elements. Climbing a rock wall and all. Dang I suck. Took forever(10 minutes) to reach the 2nd last panel and in the end gave up before I reached the top. I'm so short... Couldn't reach the overhanging rocks and all. And when I pulled myself to the front of the last panel, I grabbed the loose rock and fell back down... Haha. So weak. Abigail went all the way to the top lah. Haha. So pro. She is secretly a bodybuilder I tell ya'. Then we had basic kayaking and had to kayak all the way to Ketam. About 1 km away. Me and Francine became the sweepers. Then half way, my hat dropped, and so the sweeper fell behind. Haha. Had to pitch our tent in some granite-y place. So hard to pitch lah! Everything was wet cos' of the rain and all. Plus it was freezing. We had to use rocks to hold the thing down. Thanks goodness for Cousteau guys. Haha. Had sentry duty as well. Quite ok. Time flew by. Poor Ali couldn't sleep though. Cos' of noise pollution.

Wednesday:
SEA EXPEDITION! Haha. So we split up and me and Francine's kayaks resumed our sweeping position. Plus we set off 15-30 minutes later than planned. And like, all the SeaX leaders had to pick up all the trash cos' no one wanted to. Ah well. My group was relatively helpful though. Yay for Battuta! Was pretty fun. I love it actually. Despite the fact that kayaking for 6 hours is tiring. It's so much easier to kayak in the river and all than at sea cos' of the currents you have to fight with. Haha. Thank goodness for the rain though. Everything was all so cooling. Haha. And the track pants I was wearing wasn't long enough to cover the whole of legs so like... Now I have a couple more tan lines and it looks retarded. Oh well. It'll fade soon. Hopefully. And so we reached Camp 1 at 3! That's like, an awesome kind of time considering we planned to reach at 4.30 and left late. so we were rewarded with a shower. Only the people took FOREVER inside so being desperate, me Siao Yi, Geraldine and Celine bathed under the shower taps by the swimming pool. Haha. The sleep was horrific though. Pitched our tent on some slope so like, simply put, my back was aching. Oh, plus we got dinner, supper, and breakfast the following morning without having to cook. Dinner was great, Milo was awesome, breakfast was revolting.

Thursday:
After washing up in the morning, we went up to unpitch our tents. Luckily for us, the horrible position we chose to pitch our tent served us well in the sense that cos' of the rain, we were under the shelter of the trees so while the tent next to us became a swimming pool, ours can be said of as the island in the sea. Haha. Then it was the horror. Land Expedition. I'm ok with all the back breaking backpacks that smell horrendous and all, but the mosquitoes ruined my mood. They ESCORTED us out of the forest! So itchy! Cleo was bathing in repellent like every half an hour or something. Abigail was super funny. Every time she killed a mozzie(which might I add happens on a rather frequent basis), she'd go: "Haha got you loser." and laugh in a cynical manner. VERY FUNNY. Low Ann had mountains on her. Janet and her counted and she had a total of... maybe close to or over 200 mosquito bites. I have no idea how she did it. We got the longest route for LandX(I think Ah Meng, our wonderful very awesome instructor whom I miss the most out of OBS camp chose it on purpose) but we were the ONLY group, yes I said only, who found ALL 5 checkpoints and made it back to Camp 2 on time. GO BATTUTA! Good thing I wasn't sweeping or of any role that time cos' I'd have ruined everyone's mood cos' of the annoying mozzies. Plus I fell on my ankle again... Oh well. At least we gained the most satisfaction out of it all.

Friday:
Ok. So this was the go home day. It was quite slack. We were given the option of going through the bonus activity, Jetty Jump. As the name suggests, we deliberately jumped off the jetty into the sea. Haha. It was quite fun. We were the ONLY group who did it in the end. I think we're like super cool. Haha. Francine was the funniest. We had to do something just before we jumped off the jetty. A lot of us were being cliche but true stuff like screaming we love Battuta but Francine did the wink. No it's not some ordinary wink, t'was a creepy seductive flirtatious one. Super funny. Haha. Then we got to shower as well. Did I mention the showering facilities there is FANTASTIC? It's like, a million times better than St. Johns Island camp. Really. Love it. But of course, mine is still the best. Haha. Then we had some half-bonding half-reflection kind of thing. It wasn't one of those cliche reflection stuff where you look at each other and I learnt this I learnt that kind of thing. It was about commitments and stuff like that. I think Ah Meng did a really awesome job at wrapping it all up. It looked like we were the only watch that did the string thing with commitments and all. It was really really good. Then we went to buy souvenirs(I spent 50+ bucks) and left Pulau Ubin.

After that, 3 hours later, half of Battuta met at J8 Pizza Hut for dinner. Me, Angel and Brenda waited for a whole hour cos' Ali Wang and co. were late. Foolish things happened in the restaurant during dinner which I shall dutifully fail to mention but it was fun. Haha. Then I got a lift from Angel's dad and fell asleep in the car. Haha.

Today:
Oh man. I'm having serious withdrawal symptoms from OBS. I miss it so much. All the bonding that happened and the retarded-ness was all so much more than Sec 3 camp. I hope we all continue to strengthen those bonds. Miss it so much. Actually looking back now, I wouldn't mind going back and staying there for a much longer time. What Ah Meng said on the last day about why he joined OBS and all, I think it's really good. To enjoy what you do, plus have a goal and purpose knowing why is it you do it. Ah, the inspiration. Maybe, just maybe, I'll consider going back there next time, only like, maybe not as a participant. Ah well, who knows? But I definitely will join some camp thing like Camp High Achievers or OBS for a period of time, maybe long-term, maybe short-term. But definitely over giving tuition for pocket money any day! Haha. I miss the expeditions(can you believe it?) so much. But definitely not the insects and packing. I'm super lazy. Haha. Plus Ah Meng... Hope we see him again though.

Then I just realised I haven't done proper TAWG for 5 whole days. Some major catching up needs to be done. But on the other hand, I believe God was there with us throughout the whole camp. So I didn't really feel all that far away from him. Plus, the inevitable mugging I see before me for EOYS, which I have not started. I've only got 2 weeks so I'm going to start ASAP, like say, maybe tomorrow. Oops. Haha. Later there's EXIT. I can't wait to be in the house of God later on. Yippee! I hope Mali,Jingyi and Yaqi come though. Haha. It's going to be awesome.

But then, speaking in terms of reality, while I was away on OBS, things just went haywire at home. I don't even know how to react. My maid just left this morning cos' she quarrelled with my Mom and my Mom does not like to lose and since she acted on impulse, she left this morning even though she actually doesn't want to. I have no idea why they have to make things so complicated in the short span of 5 days. I didn't know how to react. Never imagined it to end this way. Like, I imagined us to have some farewell party or something before she left, and I didn't actually say goodbye. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO? I step into the car and Dad goes: "Auntie Noemi is going back tomorrow." No time to think of what to say, so like, I didn't say. Anything. Now I kind of regret it. I'll go dig up some email or something. I have it somewhere. Hope things go well for her. So now life's a little messy and yet, a little cosy. It's sort of like in Australia only we start off on the wrong foot. Oh well, things will work out soon enough. Hopefully.

Do not discount yourself because often, we can go some much further and do so much more than we give ourselves credit for. ~ Rough quote from OBS

So true. Especially with God.

Not really...

2008-08-20T15:13:00.002+08:00

Ok. I've decided(I do believe at least 95%) to quit soccer. As in, not forever, but in the U16 squad yes. There's like, no teamwork. Well, sort of. I mean in the sense that the people stick to their own racial groups. And like, I don't feel the thrill when playing. Like, there's no sense of exhilaration when I'm playing with them. Not like when I played with Bra, Bwong, Xi Yuan, Stacey, Hazel, Jing Wen. Just not... as fun. I mean, I like playing team sports cos' of you know... the TEAM-ness of it all. So yeah, maybe next time when I go JC. Although I can control the ball more often when I play basketball. Haha. We'll see. And then there's the perk of staying at home and rotting away, studying, or like every student's wish. That is: sleep.

You might say that it was a complete waste of time to even spend a couple of months of hectic busy life that I can confidently say is the cause of the almost-permanent eye bags(If you can't see it then good. One of the few times I can say I'm glad I'm dark.), but the experience was good. At least now I know what it's like over there. And sides', now I can finally go back and play basketball with IGNYTE! YAY!!!!!!!!! I miss it so much. Haha. Only thing is now I have to score well for O's. No more short cuts and getting into VJ in a flash and stuff. Unless I DSA of course. But then again, being sadly an infocomm member, there's nothing much I can DSA for. Oh well, guess it's back to the books.

I officially declare that I will stop reading Jodi Picoult books. Don't get me wrong she's really good at her kinda' stuff. But then, I see to many swearing and curses, plus stuff about God such as using His name in vain(can't say I'm not guilty to that but hey, I'm working on it) plus going about how the "good" pastors are those who are open to gay/lesbian-ic culture. Disturbing really. Plus, I've noticed she like to challenge God with science and all. The only book that I can say is free from most of the above would be "My Sister's Keeper". Which, might I add, is a masterpiece. That said, I wanna' read the books: The Historian & Breaking Dawn. But my wallet's on fire 24/7 now.

Next week there's OBS and I just realised there are a million things I need, and do not have. Which means a trip to the shops is necessary. Only problem is, I only have tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday to do it. Haha. Dang, I'm so last minute. For example, the presentation for NJRC is still left undone. And so I shall start on it like... now. I was supposed to study for the SS test tomorrow. But being the genius that I am, I forgot to bring back my notes. Brilliant.

Got it?

2008-08-18T16:57:00.003+08:00

I HATE the phrase "You think you're so smart."

HATE IT.

So let's see. So I may be wrong as well, to a certain extent, I should have waited. Yes I'm inpatient. But let's see. You're annoying. Don't act as if you know me. Cos' you don't. Just cos' you're a teacher and older than me doesn't mean you have all the answers, doesn't mean you know me just cos' you see me every week for I-don't-know-how-many-times a day. See? I don't even bother to keep track. I don't like Chinese lessons and I KNOW I have it every day.

Moral of the story? Don't tell me that phrase. Ever.

Ok rant over. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY! I MUST STUDY! Haha. Dumb workload. It just dawned on me today exactly how much homework I haven't done and all. And then, even when I do it, I chuck it some dark abyss and never find it again. Maybe a month later but haha. Like that helps.

So now, I shall slack for maybe half an hour cos' I don't wanna' study. Then get working. And I'm turning fat. I haven't been running. Haha.

I'm such a slacker.

I'm Back

2008-08-17T20:25:00.002+08:00

I do believe I'm back. For the most part. Haha. Yay.

Haha. I woke up late this morning cos' I forgot I had such a thing called MindChamps. Oops. Haha. Still reached on time though. Haha. 1st to reach in fact. Haha. It was boring at the beginning as usual. I had to keep slapping myself just to stay awake. I was dying of boredom and tiredness I tell ya'. Right till' we played the 4 heavenly bodies game. Haha. I started out as number 1. It isn't a good number. Easy to remember, but at the cost of getting called all the time cos' people can't think of a different number and the 1st one that comes to mind is well, 1. Then, I called out "Mark", one of the 4 heavenly bodies, and she missed. So there after, I became Mark. Evangeline was desperate to knock me off. I could tell. Haha, we went back and forth. But I didn't lose. HAHA! YAY!

So then we learnt Essay Writing. It better work cos' I need it to pass the SS test. GAH! And T-E managed to overtake us today. I'm so sad. Now they're leading by 600 points. Never mind. I'll make up for it in the coming week. I think I'm able to roughly study better now. Cos' I've got some motivation plus reason to now. AND WE HAVE A TEST NEXT WEEK! GAH! I hate studying. Hate it. At least we got the question topics in advance. Haha. Cos' if not I think I'd procrastinate. And the passing mark is 75%. Crazy. Haha. But I don't wanna' repeat so yeah.

I was reminded of the need to arrange for my Empower U course but then I found out the next not so immediate one clashes with Ignyte camp. So I REFUSE to go for it. Absolutely not. I wanna' go for camp. I'll probably arrange to go for the very next one if there is and it isn't too close to the EOYS or during the Sept hols. That, or I'll try to bargain and go next year. Haha.

Oh, and I need to do TAWG bad. Really. I feel so guilty. I haven't done it in 2 days! I was supposed to yesterday, and I sorta' did. But then I couldn't keep my eyelids open and well, chose the bed. So I MUST do it today!

@Davelle: Flying is awesome and you know it. And you're supposed to be studying for... you know... PRELIMS and well, your O's. Which brings us to the question:

What are you doing on the comp?

Haha.

Just cos...

2008-08-16T22:33:00.003+08:00

Just cos' I'm trying to bump out the past. Well, most of it at least. I really do hope it's over and out.

Haha. So I went off to church. Then gel was fun. Horrible and rotten, but fun. Why? Cos' we just HAD to play some animal game and I couldn't remember what animal I was(even though I chose it myself) and cos' it was so similar to the one next to me(Laura and her giraffe), I kept getting mixed up. So yeah. I was champion of missing the cue. With a whopping record of 4... Then Sis Shirlene asked Vincent, who didn't have a single demerit point, for a forfeit for me and Nina, who came in 2nd with 3 points. And he was like...

Vincent: I have one but it's quite dumb.
Sis Shirlene: Oh, good!

Dang. Horrible. And it was...

Write your name with your butt.

WHAT?! MY BUTT??? Horrible experience really. And Laura was enjoying it the most. Just you wait! I'll get you! I will! Haha.

So then had service and got a pleasant surprise. Ler Yee and Jing Yi decided to drop in. YAY! I'm happy! Haha. I hope they got touched by God although the decision was last minute. Then we went and had dinner. I'm seriously such a pig. I had a double cheese burger and 2 scoops of island creamery ice cream. YUM! I can't resist those stuff. Haha. We were joined by Sis Genin(that how you spell it?), Nick, and Rachel. Haha. Sis Genin was the funniest. We kept saying random things, then halfway through, she'd reply:

My chicken very nice.

Yes she was eating Mcwings. Haha. And she kept commenting on how fatty and oily it all was. Haha. Dang. Then we walked around Macs and bumped into Sis Coco and Michelle, and disrupted them by just hovering there and talking. Haha. So fun. Sis Coco, I quote, said this in all modesty:

Sis Coco: If you're under ME, Art is very fun and you'll learn a lot.
Me: Eh..? Modest eh?
Sis Coco: I'm not boasting. If it's a fact and I say it, I'm not boasting.

Ok maybe not word for word but something like that. Haha. Then we went home. I'm dead tired and sleepy. Plus tomorrow there's MindChamps. I really want my Sundays back. I can't wait till' I finish. ARGH! Then I missed TAWG yesterday and I feel guilty. My sad excuse is that: I was sleepy after training, got home at 11.30, too tired. Lousy really. So I've gotta' make up for it today.

@Lala: Thanks for that post. We all made mistakes. And I wasn't exactly all that nice either. So yeah. Hope you'll forgive me for that too.

Normal?

2008-08-16T09:53:00.002+08:00

I suppose every thing's been settled then. 98% at least. Yay. Thank God.

Returning my life back to the normal routine isn't easy I tell ya'. I'm a slacker by nature. And telling myself not to slack is a pain in the butt. For example, take now. I could be studying Social Studies like I'm supposed to. But well, I despise studying. It irks me. So I'm here idling my time away. And then, EOYS are just around the corner, and I haven't started. Such a smart thing to do really. Plus there's OBS in a couple of weeks. Cool. Only thing that sounds really gross is the not bathing and dig-a-hole-for-your-toilet for a couple of days. Eww... Then again, I had prior practice during the St Johns Island Camp. Haha

Went for training yesterday. We have a new coach now. Dang. I like Coach Mike better. This coach is boring... boring... and boring... Oh, and now I've got muscles aches at random places. So that shows how fit I am now. Haha.

The highlight of yesterday would have to be recess. Cos' we had an awesome game of basketball, tiring, but fun. There was this other Sec 4 girl who appeared out of nowhere and thrashed us. It was fun getting thrashed. For the most part. Cos' we had this energy rush and ran up and down the court. On the other hand, she's violent. Haha. More than me. Makes me feel like a cushion of some sort. So our counterattack? BE VIOLENT AS WELL!!! Haha. Been awhile since I did that.

Yay. Can't wait to go for FUEL and service and stuff. FUN FUN FUN! I wonder if Michelle baked anything this week. Yes, I'm a pig. Haha.

Oh yeah. I just remembered. I haven't done up the presentation for the competition in a couple of weeks. Oops.

Is it over?

2008-08-14T19:18:00.003+08:00

Is it all over? I wonder. Sure we got an answer and all. Well, sort off. The result? No retest for us except for a class. Then again, I can't really tell. Should I be happy, or sad, or confused, or angry. Beats me really. More like... a mixture. Not that it sounds very sane and all.

I mean... yay? There's no more retest. And to add on, the whole A maths test got shifted to Term 4 week 1. More time for me to clear my head and sort everything out, cos' it's a mess right now. But now, they announced they're investigating. And well, I guess the source of my headaches would be that in a way. I've got nothing to hide. But then, there are a few individuals whose reactions I'm worried and 'fraid about. I mean, I don't really know what's going on in their heads and all. So yeah, I'm worried about that bit.

Aside from that, we've done all we can. There's nothing that we can really do anymore. Besides, I think Mrs Dolphin is going to get sick of my face if I keep going up and all. So all I really can do is wait, observe what happens, and try to smoothen things out should there be any mad people(which I think is highly possible).

And then there's my mom, and leaders? I don't mind the latter finding out about this whole thing(they don't know yet. Save for maybe sis coco) and all, cos' I dunno. I know they mean well. But then for my mom? Big issue there. She keeps probing. And was like, "ever since last week after you went to church, you've been so... (I don't know what she said. Wasn't listening. Something about dead and not studying). Why ar? Traumatised is it?" Like hello? Traumatised? Do I look traumatised by you? I wish she stopped probing and speculating. She has some strange scenarios playing in her mind.

So yeah. I also noticed I've become more crude in the process of this whole thing. Like, more impulsive, and agitated. And all. I should stop. Like seriously. Bad bad bad thing that is.

@Lulu: I'm not really in a position to say this. And I may not know how your end of things is really like. Plus the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing right now. But like yeah. I read your blog:

I'm so disappointed. But I can't do a thing, I can't, I can't.

You know what? Yeah to a certain extent we are all powerless. But there's one thing you can do. Have faith. Faith that you'll live through this whole thing, and faith that your class will go through it together. Lucky for you, yours is a class. We're 2 people. If things are going to be like this, go through it together. You and your class. You're not alone(26 others you know?) Haha. Yeah, definitely in no position to say all this. I'm crazy.

Too Soon...

2008-08-13T15:08:00.003+08:00

You know what? Today, was supposed to be the day 80% of my life went back to normal. But that obviously didn't happen.

Apparently TSK(Haha. Hui Min told me something funny about those initials) seems bent on messing everything up for me. ARGH! So now, that class is going to get punished and all. Well at least the ones identified as cheaters. WHAT RUBBISH! YOU TELL ME ONE THING AND YOU DO THE OTHER?! And sides', not everyone you guys identified as a cheat did cheat. So now, I'm back to square one. The whole security blanket that I found yesterday disintegrated and reality came crashing down on me.

Dang. So like, haha. This isn't going to end anytime soon is it? I'm so distracted now. I messed the whole of 听写 up as well. If this keeps up, I can kiss my dream PPR good bye. Now they say they're not mad at me and all, but from what I hear from others, it's a whole different scenario going on. "Try that for no investigation." wasn't quite the best phrase I've heard today. They're mad. And I know it. Sometimes I wish you'd just walk right up to me and stab me or something. Be direct. I hate the 'soft and nice' method. Hate it. It hurts way more, to hear the truth from a 3rd party. But hey! What can I do? I've done all I see physically possible and within my power, which in this case may I remind you I have equivalent to none. I've tried, I'm still trying. But I'm running out of ideas. Quick.

Mrs Dolphin tried to assure us that every thing's going to be fine. Haha. I said tried. Cos' her plan failed. I'm nowhere near relaxed and calm right now. And then there's impending doom awaiting next week for SS and A Maths. If this thing doesn't end by latest this Fri, I can already see how well I'll do for those tests. Not that I can see how exactly SS could get any worse anyway.

Oh and E-geog was by far the worse lesson today. Or is it chemistry? I've got no clue. Ah well. It's the same. During Chem, I lost my worksheet and was made to stand at the back for a whole hour(so primary school) but it wasn't the standing that bothered me. It was the whole backache issue. Dunno. Everything decided to freeze and feel stiff. So I ended up facing the wall and sleeping. Well, sort of. I didn't sleep, but I closed my eyes and shut everything out. Then there's Geog. I was dead-beat by the time the 2nd half of the school day started. I don't know why either. So I ended up falling asleep. This time for real. Then when the Mrs Ferns(pseudonym here) woke me up and told me to go wash my face. I had the feeling the whole class was drilling their eyes into my back. Of course that's just speculation, but I'm paranoid now.

Haha. I'm going crazy. In this situation, I'm laughing? Yeap. I've lost it. Completely. I know, just realised, that I really should have shut up right from the beginning and minded my own business. But it's not like I can change the things I've done now. The only thing I can do is bear with it all, complete with stress and confusing comments from people, and try to change the course of this crashing train wreck.

Not that that's working of course. I'm gonna' collapse from fatigue at this rate.

Now would be a good time to 'talk' I guess.

Clarification

2008-08-12T18:19:00.004+08:00

Ok. I woke up feeling ridiculously light in the morning despite knowing what I was gonna' be facing soon after. I overslept actually. So that explains a lot. Haha. Such a pig. I set my alarm for 5.30, I woke up. I did. But then, I lost all my strength and in 2 seconds, was down and out. Until 6.30. Haha. Late. Oh yeah, breakfast was awesome. Just cos' it wasn't bread. Soya-tart! YAY!

Ok. So then we went and did our thing. It was kinda creepy. How Mrs... erms... let her be... dolphin. Haha. She loves to hold people's hands I noticed. Haha. She was surprisingly nice enough though. Although at first thought, it was creepy. Haha

Progressing into the day, the other one in the above stated 'we' kept getting dragged out of the class. And I felt it was my fault. I mean, it's like, my mouth is so big, it caused this whole thing to swell to it's current humongous size, and it caused the frequent kidnapping of me buddy. I should like, shut up. Seriously. Then we had SPA, which was rubbish. Utter rubbish. Like really, I didn't know how to do it at all. I can just see the wonderful results that are going to come back. Horrible.

Oh yeah. I gave the invitations to Mali, Chloe, Hui Min, and Ler Yee. Yay. THEY MUST GO! I INSIST! I loved Chloe's reaction the most. I'd elaborate, but it's just too awesome. My secret joy. Haha.

Spoke with Kim today. It went better than expected. Not wonderful, but better. Considering she said we're not enemies and all. So yay. I avoided losing a friend. I don't think things will be the same, but at least all hope ain't lost. Maths was rubbish too. Cos' of the kidnapping session and all, during the maths test, I couldn't concentrate. I mean, the numbers which were supposed to link together, stayed in that jumble. And I kept thinking about the current situation, and how seems to be progressing for the worse. So there goes 12 marks. If I'm lucky and everything else is right, I'll get an A2. If not, well then. Dang.

So after that, I had a wonderful scream session with someone(let her be Pikachu). Haha. Ah well. The whole thing was clogging up my mind. It was a like a choked drainage system. So we paced back and forth, and all. And Pikachu kept singing. No it wasn't exactly praise worthy. Haha.

I found out about the lit test thing. Still a lil' confused, but at least I know more of what actually went on. Rumours, they spread like wildfire. And they hurt the person being discussed most. Stupid nonsense really. It just nearly half wrecked a friendship for me. Gee thanks person who started and hyped it all. I so needed your help on that.

Couldn't take it no more. If it was going to continue like this, the tests next week would probably be printed with red F's and all. I needed to talk to someone, not so easily stressed by it all. So I went to consult Mrs Dolphin. Only she wasn't there. I lost her, and I ended up waiting outside the wrong room! So Malu! Lucky some other teacher came along and told me I was at the wrong venue. So finally, I managed to speak to her. She's actually really nice. I found out loads more, the current issues they're trying to deal with and all, and why the do the stuff they do. At the end of it all, I'm glad I went to look for her(even if it meant missing training. I didn't really have the mood for it anyway).

So yeah. I've got something to say.

Thank you God. For being next to me through it all. For guiding me along this bumpy and dark path. For healing me. For restoring me. Last night when I was still dead beat and just wanted to sleep the day away, you brought me to this verse. You did it for the slaves in Egypt. Why not for me?

I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. ~ Psalms 81:6

That you did.

I know it's cos' I'm growing in God, that compels the devil to set traps for me. And now, I'm on my way up to a greater height. So there. Ha! With God, you can't pull me back down.

Oh yeah, HUI MIN I LOVE YOU TOO! In the not gay way of course. XD

What if...

2008-08-11T13:07:00.006+08:00

What if... Tomorrow never comes?

Maybe, the light of day isn't coming tomorrow. Maybe either one of us won't be feeling the sun's warm rays on our faces. What if... the whole world is turned upside down the moment the clock strikes 12?

One might argue that such a situation happens only in the movies. Or maybe to the unfortunate 1 in a million at the other end of the world. But what if? What if you were that 1? What would we all be doing? Would there be regrets? And then when we stand before God, at the end of the road. Then, what will we think? Will we plead with him? And what then? Will we plead for forgiveness? Plead for a 2nd chance? Plead for more time?

And why? What can time be used for? Time is so fleeting now. It blows past us so quickly, so swiftly, and yet, so gently. The things of this world, they can't be carried up with us when our time comes. The only thing we can bring with us is our experiences, those moments we shared, and the souls that we save. But you know... I've saved none. None.

What if... Today is our last day on Earth?

Perhaps you won that bargain. You have a day more. And you know it. What would you do? What would you say? How would you leave that legacy you always wanted to, only now, in the span of 24 hours. 24 short hours. No longer do you have those many years outstretched beyond the horizon. 24 hours. Just that.

What would you change? Or try to at least. What would be the things you say to those around you? Those oblivious to the precious seconds ticking away. What happens when you try your very best, but you still end up in the mud? What happens, when literally, all time has gone by, and you've failed? During those last moments. What would flash through your mind?

What if... You left this world, in this condition today. What if... you never got that 2nd chance to right the wrong? Or maybe you did, but didn't treasure it. What next?

There are so many things I wanna' say and do. But the words are jumbled and lost. And even when they do come out? They get trampled on. But... I know now.

I do not support the root, but the root supports me. ~ Romans 11:18

Let Your kingdom come on earth. Let Your will be done
Let every kingdom of this earth bow.

Let the sinners sing for joy, we are saved by grace
Let every saint break through these doors and shout

You’re calling out, “who will go?”

I will go. I will live the life.
I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ. I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go. Hear my battle cry.
Give me wings so I can fly and tell the world that You are God

Here am I, here am I, I will give all that is mine.
Here am I, here am I, Jesus come and spend my life.

Ouch

2008-08-10T22:25:00.002+08:00

It hurts so much to hear others say what you're doing is actually wrong although you thought it was right. What's worse? It hurts so much when those words, those hostile words, come from the mouth of those that once seemed so close, but now... well simply put, that changed in the short span of a week.

I know that in this world, sadly, there is no such thing as fair. I mean, everyone is labelled, depending on how well they perform, be it academic, athletic, characteristic, we've all been stereo-typed. One way or another. And you know, there's nothing we can do about it. This issue, whether we like it or not, stays.

You know what? This whole thing. It might have been a lot better if I had just shut up. Sure there'd still be a retest now. But I'm seriously going to die at this rate. I don't know what I did to wind up here. Scratch that. I just found out.

I should have thought. I should have considered the consequences. Those that hide behind the more immediate ones at least. Cos' it's those that hurt me. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't like backstabbers, I don't like betrayers. And now I'm being called one. Not that I can really blame them or nothing. But it doesn't mix well with me. All my life I've never truly felt what it's like to have friends that stick up for me. Maybe it's cos' I never really stuck to a place long enough to experience it. I mean come on. Like honestly, 3 years in primary school, then it was off to Dalmain primary for half a year, then I shifted to Riverlands for a couple of years, during which I group hopped 3 times. Maybe it's cos' when you're a foreigner, everyone wants to know you. And I guess that made me take it all for granted. Like I wouldn't end up in some soap opera kinda feel.

So now I find out someone did. And I screw it up with my big mouth. It seems to me every time I try to do something I send the whole plane crashing. Innocent, friends, enemies. Doesn't matter, they all go down cos' of me. You're right. I am selfish. So selfish, I shock even myself. And now it's going to haunt me. One action, one mistake, and a whole train wreck to follow. I wasn't trying to place a black mark on your records. I wasn't. It was the test, that I opposed.

So then I'm now told to know what I'm losing in the process. But I don't want to let go. I can't. I'm so lost. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how even lit got brought into the picture. Every thing's just a blur. I can't undo things. I want to change the outcome of this whole thing though. Only problem is, I don't know how. And every answer I get is so vague, it doesn't help. Everywhere I turn, some ugly matter I've been avoiding rears its ugly head and shoves it's face into mine. I'm given no chance to escape.

You're right. It's life. But life seemed so much easier just a week ago. When the only thing that worried me was tests.

Well then, thanks Rain Nana. For noticing this silent plea for advice and guidance. And thank you for pointing the obvious, and yet seemingly hardest of solutions. God. I'll try to tonight. When no one else knows. I'll try.

And to the last one that lives on Earth who seems to be stuck with me cos' of that thing I did, I'm really sorry. For perhaps making things worse. But you know what? No matter what happened, just then. I'm here. I'm reachable. I care. And! I suck at words. So like... yeah... I'll stand by you regardless of the rainfall of bullets. Regardless of the injuries.

And finally, to God. I need you so bad now. I need you to guide me. You're pretty much maybe the only thing that is holding me together right now. Tonight, when the light has been dimmed, when the walls enclose around me. Come to me, and heal me. Give me the rest that I need so much. Give me the sincerity to see what has gone wrong. Give me the courage to face up and change the things that I can. And give me the wisdom, to know the difference.

Draw me close to you. Never let me go.

For your cause

2008-08-09T21:51:00.009+08:00

I invited Yaqi to come along cos' I do miss the times we shared before I left for Perth. But then, a couple of hours before I was supposed to leave the house, I just lost all my strength. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything up. I didn't even think I had the energy left to make the whole experience memorable for Yaqi, to be honest, I was hoping she decided she was busy. I really really wanted time alone. But you know what? She came anyway. I mean, I'm happy she came, I really am. But I just... don't know what to say. I put up such a pretense for FUEL. It was like... being a clown. Trying to act normal, but knowing you suck at acting. What a joke that was.

I went with a heavy heart. I couldn't even find the heart for worship at the beginning. I was just so lost amidst my thoughts. I know the reason I go to church is to come to a place where I can focus solely on God. I know that whatever happens in my life, God is still God. And yet, I just couldn't. It all felt so false. But then, Sis Sherry(?)'s sermon... just really... reminded me. Reminded me of who I am, of what I live for. I am not where I am by coincidence. I'm not here because I made a bunch of mistakes along the way. I'm here because God has a purpose for me. Every step I take, it's for you. I will fight for you, I will run for you, I will stand for you, I will not stop living for you. Though the world may be against me, you're all I need.

Help me to enlarge my vision, clear the shroud around me, the fog that blinds me. Help me to see the reason, that I am charging down the front lines for. Help me to see the need in this class today, in this level, in this school, in this nation, in this world. Use me to change the world, to impact lives for the better.

Truth is relative in today's world. But God's truth never changes.

This whole hoo-ha is still wrecking minds right now. All this about truth, integrity and what-nots. The line between them is just so blurred. It's a war-zone, a battlefield, and I don't know how this madness will all end. 2 sides of a coin, 2 different desires, 2 different causes. What is it that I am fighting for? I'm not sure what it was before but God, tonight, I say it is you. I know I am wrong to a certain extent. But if this is going to continue and escalate into a nuclear war, God I will not back down. But this time, it's not because I don't like to lose. This time, it's cos' I know what I stand for. No matter how many times I fall, I will get up and charge down this path. I will stand up for your standard of justice and truth, even if it means the outcome isn't going to be all too pretty.

Sis Shirlene, thank you. For approaching me during Altar Call. I needed it. Really. You may not know it. But it seems to me every time I'm feeling down, every time I feel like the weight is too great for me, just before I fall, you're there. You hold me steady just before it all happens. When I'm just too weak my legs are failing me, you appear. I can't really remember what you said to me in that brief moment, cos' I was distracted with the quivering and all. But thank you.

God fill me again. That I will not be able to contain it all. See the desire and longing I have for you. And use that passion for your purpose and will. Bring me God, even if it means dragging, pulling, exhausting times, breathlessness, pain, whatever it takes bring me to that next level. Your grace is sufficient for me to overcome all of it.

Thanks Davelle. My memory is so vague now. I can't really remember what it was that you said. But I know it helped. Was it "God has a plan for you." or something else? "Good to see you here." perhaps? I think it was the latter. GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR PRELIMS ON TUES! STUDY HARD! GOD WILL HONOUR YOU FOR SERVING HIM FAITHFULLY ALL THIS WHILE! Cos' even while many others were mugging away, you were with us, being a blessing and the SP that we all love.

Then there's Hui Min. When we were up late, tired, but unable to sleep. When for the first time in a long time (let's try 5 years) I was being honest with someone else and just ignoring the fact that I sound like completely different from normal. Thanks for saying this 4 words.

"Fall back on me."

You have no idea, no idea. Just how much that meant to me. So let me, for you too.

I will go
Wherever you lead I will follow
And I have counted the cost
I will carry the cross

So take my hand
All that I have they are yours
And you have made out my course
I will live for this cause

I have decided I have resolved
To wait upon you Lord
My rock and redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon you Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come let your glory fall
As you respond to us
Spirit reign
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come, you'll come

We are not shaken we are not moved
We wait upon you Lord
Our Mighty deliverer
My triumph and truth
I'll wait upon you Lord

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

in conclusion

2008-08-09T10:58:00.001+08:00

Alright. I'm just going to summarise it all. So FOLLOW these!

1. ALL personal attacks are to be directed to ME and me alone. Got that? There is NO 3 Unity in this whole shenanigan. It's just me, me, me, and ME! SO SHUT UP WITH THE WHOLE cursing of the whole 3 Unity people. Cos' it's just me! GOT IT!!!!

2. Yeah to a certain extent you are right. We know (more or less) what we are going to do about it. So be happy.

3. @Lala: I know the reason why you're so hyped up about it. More than what you say it is. So I'm not going to just watch.

Give me a break

2008-08-09T10:42:00.000+08:00

To Lulu:

Yes, you're right. DON'T EVEN TELL THE ANSWERS AT ALL.

Haha. Right? Oh my gosh. I know you're being sarcastic. But you know what? We don't think we're completely right either. So just wait till' Tuesday alright? You'll get what you want. But let's make it clear it does not in anyway mean that we are giving in. I'm tired. She's tired.

cover up.

Cover up? Haha. I mean, it's hard to see how you guys won't see us as this way. The whole thing was not to cover up. You said you were protecting your friends right? Like you, I have more than one to protect. Sure your class got roped in as a whole. What makes you think mine didn't?

Also, why didn't you paste the part down too

Believe me I have it saved somewhere in my computer. But there are certain things I can't say until after Tuesday morning. If you're dying to know, you know how to get me.

And so you deserve to be the rightful owner? Well maybe those who've studied real hard deserve it, but not you. Why? Because you're in the wrong too, for shielding your friend, even though you know she was the one who 'did it'.

Haha. This is ridiculous. Cos' I agree with you. Haha. Rightful owner? That I'm not too sure. Maybe everyone else who really have nothing to do with it. But I did studied, and not cheat. That probably is my only defence. After Tuesday morning, if I have to retest as well, then so be it. You're right. To a certain extent I am wrong. Shielding? There are many ways of shielding happening from my point of view. Shielding in the sense I'm shutting up until I know what to do. Shielding in the sense that I don't want her to come under fire from you. You know something?

You are probably the most mad one in the whole of your class, whom I'm sure is out for our blood as well. But we all know it never started with this. I know when it started. Alright? The only thing that this has given you besides a headache, is the fact that you now have the right to out rightly criticize her. And you do. You really do. But I can't stand it. She might be able to(just maybe). But I can't. I'm so sick of watching the 2 of you kick each other to the ground. I'm so sick of watching the other that's stuck in the middle... get stuck. I'm so sick of just sitting there and listening, and being unable to do anything. But you know? Same goes for me. Aside from the headache, I now have a reason to step in. I don't know why you guys can't just go back to the days in previous years and be FRIENDS. I have a reason, and for that, I won't/can't back down on this whole personal attack.

I'm tired

2008-08-09T10:24:00.000+08:00

This post will be in reply to a Lala's blog.

Yes right back in your **** face.
You know what? Don't say we didn't study when we did put in a hell lot of effort.
And you people don't come telling me what a traitor and a two faced I am, just because I signed it.

You can't have sex on people's faces unless of course you're telling me you've tried it out before.

Ok I learnt a whole lot more on what really happened late last night. And like, yeah. I'm sure you guys did put in effort. I mean, you found out just before your test. No fool would sit for a graded paper without prior preparation right? I mean... I never said you guys didn't put in effort. It's like... ah how bout' an analogy.

You walk down a path and then some time later, you come to junction. One road looks easier to walk on than the other. But taking each path will result in different consequences. And because the temptation is there. Human nature kicks in. I'm just saying we all had a choice. And even if you guys wanted to cheat, do it with care cos' now we're all dying. Both you and me. Then again, that whole thing applies for us too.

And for the record, I never said anything about you signing the thing.

Thing is, both parties are at fault.
Yes, and I apologise for my side, but hey what about the big mouthed girl who came running into the class spreading the answers? We didn't ask her, she came willingly, told us the answers willingly, didn't complain.

Yeah. So I can see. But there are issues on our part. AND THE GIRL IS STUPID! NICE BUT STUPID! SHE DOESN'T THINK!

So what if it's probation class? Do you see the effort we really put in when we have to? When there's a test? Why assume that only people from our class cheated? You dare to say other classes didnt? Not even a single soul did?

Let me remind you that I was in the same class as a lot of your classmates. Let me remind you that in that span of time I saw things that agrees with your statement. Let me remind you that I happened to study with some of them. So that said, how can I deny the fact? Let's get this straight: "I NEVER SAID YOU DIDN'T STUDY!" Make sense? And you know something? I KNOW other classes cheated. I know there were even some from other classes, who according to other people, had even more guts then just to memorise the answers. It's just that... you are labelled. It's like... You call yourself probation class, it's true, but that very word, some would find it hard to believe if the whole class skyrocketed at the same time. Same goes for the EC classes. We all say they're smart. It's a label. So if they cheated, no one would notice right?

And right back at your **** face again, think before you say anything.
Don't insult, just because you're smart. Just because your white specs contradict your skin tone.

Seriously. I just proved it would be impossible to do such a thing. So please use different words instead of crude ones just because they're always used. I don't recall insulting you. Hello? Where did you hear that? Smart? I don't think so. I don't know how to say it but... yeah. I don't think I'm smart alright? I hate it when people say that. I don't think I'm higher than you guys.

And seriously. The whole white spec thing is so random.

...

2008-08-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

You know what? I realised I really can't tell if all the friends that I made last year are really true. Like. Everyone is so different now. Some for the better. Some for the worse. I can't even tell those that are putting up a front, those pretending, those that have ulterior motives. I already know some, but then, even though I know, it's still... a shock. I mean, just cos' we're in different classes, I feel so far apart. I don't even know them anymore. I don't know who to trust, I don't know how to help, I just don't know. I know that backstabbing happens to everyone, but I can't help but wonder: What went wrong? What did we do to reach such a place?

That and the current issue. I just read this off someone's blog. Let her be... Lulu. I have no idea why Lulu cos' I seem to call everyone that but like yeah. Lulu it is.

Ask yourself if your conscience is clear, to those people who've signed it.
Apparently, I know a few people who've signed it are not honest at all. ~ Quoted from Lulu

Yes my conscience is clear. I see no reason to deny that fact. So they may be a few, I take it some of the anonymous most likely. But you know what? Majority were not afraid to show that they were serious by putting their names down. I can't speak for everyone else cos' I'm not them. So let's just go with my thoughts here.

They simply compare themselves with those 'minority' whom they've accused. ~ Quoted from Lulu

Accused? I think not. I won't say your whole class cheated. Cos' I believe there are some who didn't. And in any case, you guys probably won't the only ones. I've heard more. But other than that, speaking generally. Yeah it was you. I even heard a teacher tell their class that the chem department know there was leakage because a whole class seemed to magically pass, especially MCQ.

Can all of those who've signed it, swear that they did not even ask about one or two questions?
Can they swear that they have no intention to cheat at all? Can they swear that what they've said, is 100% true? ~ Quoted from Lulu

Yeah. I can. I didn't see the point. In fact we were playing games and ignoring the obvious looming of the chem test. I saw no point to ask. Ask for what? It's already in like... half an hour. I don't believe in last minute studying. Or memorising in this case. 100% true? I'm not allowed to lie. You do realise. I am the one speaking up and bound to get noticed by the school. If I lie, I'd be exposed within hours.

If I were to tell you all the answers before the test, would you swear that you wouldn't refer to the correct answers at all? Not at all?
~ Quoted from Lulu

No. I will not doubt that I would probably remember at least 1 question. I mean, if you said it quickly, I would choose not to take it down and remember but a part of me will think of it and save part of the answers in my mind. Which is why. God gave us a choice. So conclusion, DON'T tell me.

Accuse people of cheating? Where's the proof, where's the evidence? Did you see them cheating with your own eyes? Which eye of yours saw them cheating? Well, shut up if you did not. ~ Quoted from Lulu

Proof? Look. We all know. Like you said, God knows. No I didn't see you. But that doesn't mean you guys made it obvious. But I DO know you did. How you ask? Funny cos' I believe you know how I do too.

Give those who've cheated a zero? Show me the proof. Show me the evidence. Don't just shoot your mouth off, like that. ~ Quoted from Lulu

Evidence? As before, I HAVE NO evidence. Except for what I know, what I hear. Now that I think about it? They should just make you guys retest, giving you guys extra topics would be unfair though. At least like that you don't have to get zeros. But if you can attest like this, then I take it you didn't cheat, and a retest on the same topics on Tues wouldn't be a problem for your class.

Anyway,
How do you know that everyone from the 'minority' whom you've accused really cheated?
How do you know that all those who've signed it, have got a clear conscience? Apparently, I don't suppose they do. ~ Quoted from Lulu's blog

You're repeating. And it seems to be the only defence you have. NO I DON'T. BUT I DO!.

Fairness should be given to its rightful owner.

Are you saying you are the one that is the rightful owner?

YES!

2008-08-08T20:09:00.000+08:00

Let's see. Today was a really eventful day for me.

For starters, I was quite surprised how quickly the Mrs Goh found out about the whole petition thing. As in, I expected it to happen sooner or later, and I was prepared in a sense, but that was seriously all too quick. Well whatever, I removed the stuff cos' the message got sent across. That was the whole aim so whatever the outcome, I'm happy that they acknowledged. Of course I would be elated if they did cancel it.

Ok. I think 3 Unity was crazy today. Like really. During the whole "hold-hands" event thing. We were running around singing songs, and taking LOADS of pictures. Then after that we all thought it was a dry run and was uncertain of the whole event. Then they told us to go back to school. So MALU! Haha. But I love my class. They were so supportive and enthu. Oh and I learnt something today. Crystal+Hui Min+high notes=bleeding ears.

Haha. Went out with Mali and Ler Yee and Hui Min and Xing Jun today. It was pretty awesome. We couldn't decide on where to go but we ended up in Fisho and Co. at Suntec. Haha. Then nHui Min decided we're gonna' play some Fry game thing and we saved a couple of fries, and went round the table passing the fry from one person to the other using our mouths. And it got shorter and shorter. Especially when it was between Mali and Xing Jun, cos' Xing Jun could't stand looking at Mali's face(she looks like... ok I shan't describe) and they kept laughing. Haha. The order of it was like: Hui Min>>>Mali>>>Xing Jun>>>Ler Yee>>>Me>>>Hui Min etc. Haha. The whole goal was NOT to be the ones ending up kissing each other. It got really dangerous near the 2nd round. Like... Mali and Xing Jun had at most half a cm between them. Then when it was Xing Jun and Ler Yee, HAHA! Oh my gosh. They couldn't pull it off very well. Needless to say it shrunk cos' Mali and Xing Jun are a terrible combo. Wanna' know who kissed who? After Xing Jun and Ler Yee avoided sharing their first kiss, Xing Jun let go and...

Answer: Ler Yee ate it.

Haha! Cos' if not, we'd be kissing. Eww...

But that was the summary. I normally don't combine days where I feel both philosophical and lame. Today's an exception.

I'm TRYING

2008-08-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna' start a petition right now. Too pissed. Thanks goodness for google. All those who feel it is unjust, go sign.

On one condition, NO anonymous signatures. If you're going to stand up for your rights, don't hide behind the internet. Do it with boldness or don't do it at all.

Stressed.... AGAIN

2008-08-07T19:55:00.000+08:00

Ok. Let's start with. WHAT? THE WHOLE level has to retake the chem test with chapters they JUST finished teaching like say, yesterday as well cos' about a couple of classes cheated??? Hello! We were like, the 2ND class to take the test, how on earth are we supposed to cheat?! You want to cheat also don't tell the whole world la, make it so obvious, plus rope in the whole cohort in this ridiculous extra amount of work. I kinda like... STUDIED you know, like... a week in advance? I'm sooo gonna' petition against this whole thing. Why can't they just make the classes that did retake themselves? I'm already up to my neck with stuff like let's see... Maths test, A Maths test, Physics SPA, SS(which I conveniently suck at) test, EOYS(which essentially I only have like... let's see 3 WEEKS at most to study? And now this? The school is out to kill us. I'm not quite the type who enjoys studying mind you.

ARGH! But then again, that's about all I can do. I'll get my parents to complain cos' if this keeps up, I won't have time to study and I'll just collapse. You know when I said the 'rock' was lifted off my back? Scratch that. A bigger one just got thrown onto the mountain on top of me.

In a sad sad attempt to pull up this whole post: Went for the NXT light sensor course thing today. It is quite honestly, a waste of time. I felt that I didn't learn anything new. Like, we know how to line track already. The guy tried to make it fun though. I'll credit that. Then on the way home on the train with Xi Yuan and Debra, we saw this dude who was sleeping with his mouth hanging and his head kept swinging from side to side like there were no bones in him. Haha. We kept laughing throughout the whole thing. You should have seen the look on he faces of those sitting next to him. Haha. Then at one point in time, Debra was like "He's gonna' fall off any moment." Sometime later, he dropped his bottle(AGAIN) and I didn't hear, so he bent down to pick it up. But I didn't hear so I quickly pulled Xi Yuan away cos' I thought she was about to get crushed.

"But I know that my circumstances in this season doesn't change that God is still God. It doesn't change what God's called me to be here, what He's called me to do... He's still bigger than everything I'm facing." ~ Quoted from Ben's blog

But then, I came home and read this. Which did the whole job in lifting the mood. I can try and riot violently against the Science department and fight this whole test retaking idea, I can get really pissed and hate majority of the classes that cheated and bear long-term grudges and all. I can do all that (which actually seems to me 70% of the cohort have in mind). But I'm sure that isn't God's plan and purpose for me. I mean, it isn't in my nature to forgive right of the bat. Be assured I'm not going to take this lying down. But if the outcome remains unchanged, then whatever. In the end, God is with me through it all.

How great is he, that he never fails to forgive us for our shortcomings. Whether we are aware of it or not.

WOAH

2008-08-06T15:28:00.000+08:00

Nothing much for me to really say but...

GOD IS FAITHFUL!

I was pretty sure something bad would happen in regards of the geog test but you know what? I got a good grade. Like. AWESOME. Haha. And to think I studied less too being busy and all. So like, this is definitely the time to go: God is awesome, graceful, merciful, and above all faithful. Cos' without him, I wouldn't be here.

That and I was fiddling with Bunny today (Loo's green ugly rabbit thing). Haha. Despite it's horrid looks, it's actually pretty amusing. Haha

I stink

2008-08-05T21:20:00.000+08:00

The title is I stink cos' I do. Haha. In terms of smell.

That aside, I shall now announce my great annoyance with the Chinese test. I failed by HALF a mark. I could have passed! I just missed out a WHOLE 6 mark question cos' of some numbering typo they FAILED to point out to us. The sentences are so similar! If I just ATTEMPTED that question, I would have passed! ARGH!

Don't get me started on the physics test. Tomorrow (most likely cos' Sherwood is unpredictable) we'll be getting back our Geog paper. And the rumours I've heard about the results unveiled thus far are FAR from desirable. Then again, if I get a good grade, that'll make my day.

[edited]

Then went to VJ with Hazel for a match. It's WAY far. Like at the other end of the world. I can't imagine myself travelling there and back every day when I go JC, so I've decided VJ will be a worst-case scenario. (By the way their field is AWESOME. I don't get it. VJ gets to train on such an awesome field and the National team gets some mini-Himalayas for a field.) Haha. I played goalie again (so contradictory, I didn't wanna' be goalie, and yet, I volunteered today.) It was actually going pretty good you know, right till' I let a goal in. I dove for the ball when it was a metre away from me, then somehow it ended up somewhere else, I got kneed in unmentionable places, didn't scramble in time, AND I LET IT IN. That's pretty much sums up my pathetic failure. At least we drew for the 1st half, which I was playing. The result was 1-1. Then we switched parts. We lost the 2nd half, 4-3. But it ain't Niza's (?) fault. Then again, such comforts don't work on goal keepers. It's a horrible feeling I tell you.

At the end, I think Coach noticed the goalkeepers unease. And he was like: "I don't care about the scoreline at the end. It's not the goalkeepers fault. I wanna' see if you're play a good game, it doesn't have anything to do with who plays better, or how long you play. Win as a team, lose as a team." Well, he does make sense. But tell that to a goalkeeper. The feeling that we get that tells us we let the team down doesn't fade. Knowing that everyone thinks that way (well most of em' I hope), it actually makes the whole thing worse. That said, I wanna' change jobs.

Oh yeah. I'm reminded of the maths test next week...

Just keep trying

2008-08-04T16:10:00.000+08:00

Watched more of Hutus and Tutsis today. And they say it's a true story. Humans are such delusional creatures really. We all thing we're better than the other just cos' of whatever background we have. Just go on trampling on everyone else cos' we've got the ability to. But then what can I really do? Complain and express revulsion. But there's gotta' be more right? I mean. There are so many lost out there. Even around me everyday. And I take all of it for granted. I keep saying "Tomorrow will be the day." But what if tomorrow never comes? Someone (whom I fail to recall) asked me that just 2 days ago. And I didn't answer. Couldn't answer. Just stared blankly.

"I do not understand it. I would not have believed that such things could happen on our farm. It must be due to some fault in ourselves. The solution, as I see it, is to work harder. From now onwards I shall get up a full hour earlier in the mornings." ~ Boxer the Horse (Animal Farm)

We may not understand why and how such atrocities can be carried out in this world today. Neither would I have believed it happens outside the context of World Wars and such. I mean, we have terrorists around who want to destroy the world. It's quite similar to how the Interhamwe wanted to wipe out all Tutsis. Regardless of what they have done. Each one of us won't make much of a difference. But together, we can move mountains. We just need to keep trying, to keep moving forward, to never stop climbing higher.

God, guide me on this path today, and the days to come. Fill my life with that purpose you have for me in this generation. Use me as you will.

Stronger

2008-08-03T20:15:00.000+08:00

You know what? Yesterday was awesome. I realised the true extent of the blessings God has given me. I've got awesome friends, awesome leaders, who never fail to encourage me on even when times are low. Yay for me. So there, in conclusion, I wanna be one of those awesome people as well, who are always there for their friends in times of need.

Through the trials with God, I'm never alone. There will be scars, but you know what? When I look back, I'll remember how God pulled me through despite the odds.

Thanks to all those who encouraged me. Namely Ben, Michelle, Christy.

Haha today we got through the 80% of the MindChamps lessons in like half the usual time. But then the teah wasn't feeling well so we got let off early. It was a good thing too! I mean, I managed to go home, study, finish notes, sleep (over-sleep I mean. 2 whole hours of being a pig) and finish studying. For the most bit at least, just gotta' attempt all the exercises (which I have not) and well, drill em' in my head. So yeah. In a sense, I'm not as panicky as a couple of days back. 4 MORE WEEKS OF MINDCHAMPS! And I'll get my Sundays back. And be able to play Basketball with Bro Andrew, Haruki, Tim, etc again. YAY!

And thanks to God again. Things are slowly returning back to normal. I mean, at least we're talking again. Maybe by Tuesday the shroud will clear. It won't be as always anymore, but I guess we can make it better.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. ~ Psalms 61:2

In you

2008-08-01T15:39:00.000+08:00

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. ~ Psalms 55:22

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do? ~ Psalms 56:3-4

Lord thank you for revealing these verses to me last night during TAWG. Everything I do, for you. Everything I have, for you. Me, for you.

I feel awkward. I can't seem to approach someone the same way anymore. And every time we make eye contact, I flinch and panic. Out of shame, or out of fear. Or is it both. I don't know. I don't want things to remain this way. I don't want this seemingly eternal silence to continue for any longer. Yet I can't muster the courage to face up and return everything to normal. I'm such a coward when it comes to these things. I can run, I can jump, I can shout, I can stand up for my rights, others rights. Yet when it comes to things with knots and complications in relationships, I look away.

God help me. Help me to right this wrong. My might alone is not enough.

Through the times

2008-07-31T18:59:00.000+08:00

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm trying. I'm struggling.

Is it really enough? Every time I try to make things more bearable. To make the times happier. I mess up. Things go awry and wrong. the whole thing backfires. Instead, I make others around me more annoyed, more tired, more disappointed. Is it the way I try? Or does everyone prefer me quiet and minding my own business.

God I need you. I need that comfort, I need that renewal, I need that wisdom, I need that courage, I need that mercy, I need that forgiveness, I need that change, I need you. I'm not satisfied with the way things are. I want to be that light, the one shining bright amidst the darkness for your purpose. I want to be the one to make a difference, big or small.

I see the King of Glory
Coming down with clouds of fire
The whole Earth shakes, the whole Earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest'

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and sing
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes unseen
Show me how to love like you, have loved me
Break my heart for what break yours
Everything I have for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from Earth into eternity

Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do
I'm ready now
Do what you will

I see those lines, I hear those lines. I believe.

God you are my refuge and my strength. I know every trial has its reason of being. Nothing is by coincidence. I live for you. Your purpose. Not for others, not for myself. Use me as you will. Your love, grace and mercy are all I need. In you all things are possible. In you I will defy all odds. In you victory is assured. In you.

I'm ready now. Do what you will.

Procrastination

2008-07-30T15:16:00.000+08:00

I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was beat by the time I got home. Training was alright. I played right and centre mid yesterday. It was tiring. Run up run down, and the field was horrid. Cos' of last fri, it was muddy and we stampeding up and down with studs, it was like ... hole-y. And mountain-y. Horrible. The ball can change direction just by landing on one of those mini Himalayas. I pity my team. I mean, they got me in it. I'm quite crap really. I have no idea what I'm doing there with skills like that. I need to improve. Like seriously. Oh and for the record, cos' I was Right mid/centre, I traded the mud for sweat in waterfall amounts. Gross.

Today was alright, had the Physics test. It was like a big weight got lifted off my back. But then, it got added by 2 more rocks in the form of Trigo and Mole Concept. Wonderful ain't it? They move up the chem test, and add a WHOLE chapter more. What's wrong with them. Well I was happy right till' recess. During which someone, whom I shan't name, let her be called Lulu in a Tutu cos' I'm feeling pissed and feel like conjuring a ridiculous image in my mind, pissed me off. We were playing a form of a ball game and then I was trying to pass to her (she was at the corner of the area) but then she vanished behind me. And the ball went the other way. And she was like: You're KNS! Control the ball la! Like what? Hello? I'm supposed to pass to someone who was supposedly at the corner and vanished behind me WITHOUT eyes on the back of my head???? Hello? Newsflash! I'm kinda HUMAN and not ALIEN. So I'm still a lil' pissed right now.

Right then. Cos' of that, my whole day was ruined. Until I played Bridge with Mali, Chloe, and Vala. So then I went home and stuffed my face with like 15-20 sushis. Food is like... my comfort food. Haha. When I'm happy, I eat.When I'm angry, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. Lolz.

Well then, I'm procrastinating again. I'll probably start getting to work at 4.30 or something. Against my better judgement. I'll go be lame and play maplestory. Haha. Oh, and I found 2 new songs I'll add to the playlist. Ok, make that 3. A pocketful of sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield, Always be my baby by David Cook, and Rockstar by Nickelback.

Coping?

2008-07-28T21:34:00.000+08:00

Haha. Yesterday was a glutton fest for me. I woke up and went for MindChamps. Then during lunch, I went with my folks to some famous chicken rice stall and ate like 2 bowls of rice. Haha. Such a pig. Then at night, I had a wedding dinner, Eric Gex2 was getting married. Haha. Gratz to him. She's not the bride but Yan Lin Jiex2 is really pretty. Not related but she's still my fave cousin since she lived with us for 3 months in Australia (by popular demand!).

Went to school in a rush. I didn't even pack my bag. Just grabbed and went cos' I was running late. So sleepy... Ler Yee and Hui Min said I had red eyes. Lunch was alright, Bwong actually came down to play (*coughdietcough*) haha. A change for once. I was multi-tasking throughout the lessons. Kept studying Physics at every chance I got. And now I'm proud to say I'm 92% done. I'll just finish it up tomorrow during school when I get Jolene to teach me or something. I was originally planning on not going for training if I couldn't get it done but I did. And the cramps in my leg are gone! YAY FOR GOD! He's faithful and awesome and faithful. Haha. Now's just the issue of the ankle. Haha.

I wanna play Hockey tomorrow for recess. Then I get to learn more coolio (to me) tricks and moves. As far as I'm concerned, dribbling is cool too (since it's just about the only thing I can do relatively alright) haha.

Haha. And I managed to do all me sit-ups etc. today. Tomorrow I'm running with Hui Min! Yay! And then there's PE. So my teacher is Susie, well she ain't that bad as a teacher but she creeped me out last week when she was so happy she was doing layup in front of us. She was grinning like a monkey. No kidding. We're doing softball tomorrow. I wonder why we changed the name. It's actually BASEball. You know like BASE. But I prefer cricket way more. It's a cool game for cool people. So fun. I miss the times in Australia. They were so carefree. But hey, my days now are good too. To a certain extent.

Yesterday

2008-07-27T07:40:00.000+08:00

I spent only 2 hours studying. And wrote NO NOTES! ARGH! Dang. It seems I'm not gonna' be sleeping tonight.

So brought Ler Yee to church and all. We learnt about God-given visions for FUEL and to "Wake up" for service. Then after that, we had to wait for Jing Yi's arrival until 7.15. Haha. She didn't know where to get off so when Ler Yee walked near the bus so she could see us, she flew of the chair and out the door. Haha. We decided to go to Mad Jack's for dinner and had a Blue Mountain Beef Burger each. It was AWESOME. Out every other burger to shame really. Loved it. Then I kept rushing the both of them to finish cos' I abandoned Nick and Sis Shirlene (I forgot!) at Macs so we were gonna' meet them for dessert. And I ended up the last to finish.

Dessert was Island Creamery! I had Apple Pie and Banana flavoured ice-cream. Yum. Haha. And we joined up with Sis Shirlene and Nick. Then halfway through the ice cream, Nick tried on Sis Shirlene's plastic ring thing, and it got stuck! Haha. So funny. He was trying to get it off and had to go to the washroom to use soap. Haha. After that, we started forcing Ler Yee and Jing Yi to sing. They sing really well. Free entertainment. Went home on the bus with Sis Shirlene in the end cos' I was feeling guilty for abandoning them. Oh and we took pictures, but there's only a couple on my phone and I'm kinda feeling lazy. Haha. I'll do it some other time. I feel like a glutton.

Ending off, I just realised HOW VERY MUCH IN TROUBLE I'm in. Like. I won't be sleeping a lot tonight. I've gotta study for Physics, I shall write finish my noted by today. Then study/memorise finish by Monday after school, then study all the worksheets by Monday. Worst case, I'll just not go for training. I told coach already at least.

The mud...

2008-07-25T21:16:00.001+08:00

I spent so much time and effort studying for the lit test, and what? It's not graded. I'd rather it be graded now. Then at least I won't feel like I was wasting my time... Next up, Physics Test...

Ok last night, I woke up cos' my calf was cramp-ing. Then I went back to sleep. Woke up to go to school and found that it still feels funny. Up till' now. So gay. How do you get cramps in your leg when you're sleeping?

Went with Angel, Elaine and Hui Yi to Raffles City today. Bwong was supposed to come but she's an abandoner. EVIL Bwong! I ate like 1 Mo's burger. Cheat my money. It's so puny. I should have bought what Hui Yi did, the beer batter fish thing. Tasted nice. And so much worth for money.

Fast forward, went for training. We had that match with RJ. I was put in the 1st half, felt like an honour (cos' usually the 1st is the better? I think?) but got stuck in goals. Jen and Celest were great at defence today. I just stood there and stoned. Since no one managed to shoot anyway. I was kinda bored. Then in the 2nd half, I play Right back, was fun. Only thing is, the floor was REALLY muddy and slippery, plus I didn't have cleats so I kept falling every 10 steps. Sad... I need to buy cleats but like... I just bought my boots... By the way, we won RJ 3-0 in the 1st half, and 4-1 in the 2nd. Go under16!

The soccer tourn in is in the 2nd week of November, I don't know if I can play in it. 1) I might be going overseas and family is more important although my dad seems to think playing for Singapore overrules that. Too bad for him. 2) I'm not sure if I'm in the team to start with. Seems like I'm only gonna' get paid at the end of next month. Oh well, I guess I can wait. I'll use that money to save for birthday gifts for my parents and brother. The leftovers will go into my binging fund as well as cleats.

Oh yeah, tomorrow Ler Yee's coming to church with me! Jing Yi was supposed to as well but she's got guitar lessons. Haha. Then we're gonna' eat dinner. Which happens to consist of island creamery ice cream. YIPEE! I would say I can't wait, but the truth is, I can. Cos' I've gotta' study...

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

Ok. I'm stressing up. Just got done with lit (hopefully, but I'm not too confident). There's just too many tests. Why can't they line them up nicely??? Whatever happened to working relationship and good coordination? WHY MUST THEY GIVE US TESTS WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT??? They should just line it up neatly so we at least have a week in between to study. Dang it. I'd like to give them all those tests and see how THEY react.

Hahas. I say that, but I was playing basketball after school with Bwong and Elaine and Debra (AKA Michael Jordan) and Xi Yuan. Hahas. Was funny. Xi Yuan had strange sound effects every time she threw the ball, Debra kept insisting she was Michael Jordan's descendant, Bwong was quiet as usual, but then we all know she's actually mentally unstable like everyone else on the inside. Haha.

And CCA was... strange. In the sense that the whole of programming (minus Gui Xian and co.) were together for the 1st time in a long while. We were attempting to bond. And yes I said and mean attempting. My section is like so unenthu... Seriously. They should all just lighten up. And they're all sadistic people. Every time I crash into the table or drawer and whack myself by accident, they laugh. Play games, they stone. Really messed up nerve systems...

Then I came home, and stuffed my face with food cos' I didn't eat recess and lunch(to busy playing basketball). I ate like, dinner, 5 slices of cake (thin ones, not thick triangle ones, even so, bad enough), some squid hing, but it was only a couple of strips, and 1 and a half donuts. PLUS I didn't do my run with Hui Min cos' I wanted to play basketball but I actually could have ran. All cos' I thought Bwong and Elaine would eat faster. Guess I was wrong. Oh well. And I didn't do sit ups or push ups! ARGH!

Tomorrow is the match against RJ. It's gonna' be gross. The rain was so heavy today. Just gross. The mud, I can see/feel/smell it smeared all over my jersey and shorts now. Eww...

Well then, after this test, there's Physics. Oh joy. I can't wait...

GAH!

2008-07-23T20:35:00.000+08:00

Right. We got our a maths papers back today. Mine was crap. Everything was careless. I'm so annoyed. I'm beginning to wonder if it's cos' I've got too much going on in life hence the deterioration of marks. Ah well I'll find out soon enough. Not that I quite want to be proven right. I need to buck up. AH! Then there was the Geog paper. I think that went horribly. I had no idea what to write for the 1st 2 questions so I ended up crapping. ARGH! And the LORMS question! I had to write one more paragraph and my conclusion but NO! I just HAD to run out of time. I blame it on how horribly the question was phrased and how everyone outside of class seemed to be bent on disrupting my train of thought. There were people hammering and drilling away RIGHT outside the door. And some class turned on a movie so loud halfway through.

I love to hang out with hockey people. They're all so strange. Makes me feel so sane amidst them. Haha. Xue Kun! Get well soon (in terms of your internally gross finger) so you can play with me! Me needs a basketball buddy (well another one haha) and a Hockey coach!

Haha. Tomorrow's Thursday and the teacher's are gonna' play soccer again. Dang. WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO GO CHOOSE THAT TIME TO LISTEN TO MY MOM? All because she said I'm gonna' break someone's leg, I didn't join Hockey. ARGH! I regret it so much. And now I can't change cos' of my CCA points stashed up in infocomm. ARGH! I wonder if I'll be able to get proficient enough to play and join hockey in JC. I hope so.

We're playing RJ this fri so I've gotta leave school earlier than normal to go play. I have a feeling I'll be chucked in the goal post again. I don't hate goalkeeping. I just don't like to miss and let them in. I feel like a let down. I felt like crap after I let in all those goals in the last match we played during Diva La Futbol. All because I didn't dive at THEM, and dove to the side.

Ah well, apparently the squad needs to be cut by the end of this month. So if I get cut, I'll concentrate more on basketball and hockey. As well as ALOT more on my studies cos' I think that's suffering big time. Not to mention Hazel isn't going anymore so I'm all alone (well there's Terry and Shi Jia) at least.

I really should go study lit but I'm procrastinating... I don't like to study. Reading, never mind. I like that. Studying = bad. And I forgot to do my sit-ups... AGAIN. Oddly I remembered the push ups though.

Now I'm so bored, I'm downloading Maplestory. Can you believe that? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Oh and I just read Ler Yee's blog. She said: "Xi Wen is like Ecstasy, only blacker."

I like, and don't like that. I like it cos' I'm cool and they mean it. HAHA. Egocentric (new word I learnt) right now. I don't like it cos' when they get withdrawal symptoms, I'll be held for medical compensation...

Tired...

2008-07-22T21:33:00.000+08:00

Very tired...

Just got back from training, dead beat. Not that it was tough, I'm just sleepy. My parents were right. I am getting burnt out.

Today was alright, my lit test results were horrible and pathetic. I had every quote. I just didn't explain. ARGH! So wasted. Luckily, I think, we have another lit test this fri and I've a shot to pull my marks up. But I don't know if I can memorise everything that soon.

Recess: I finally got to practice Hockey. I must say I think I've gotten alot better at dribbling then my pathetic display last friday. Like, 3 hockey girls were attempting to teach me the basics of... "How to hold the stick properly" ... sad. It was kinda fun. So I spent my recess just well... dribbling. And Elaine was like: "You know dribbling isn't the fun of Hockey." after like half an hour. Haha. So I tried a bit of shooting. Sucked. I couldn't predict where the stick was gonna' hit. And then Bwong and Chloe Tan came down near the last 15 minutes. Haha. Must be cos' we were awesome (I'm lying). Then they were like spinning in circles with the ball, they look retarded. Haha. In the end, I have a blister on the side of my thumb and the skin from my index finger came off. Stupid rough grip thing. So I'm going to arm myself with plasters tomorrow so I won't get more of em'. Haha.

After school me and Hui Min went to run 2.4 on the treadmill. I felt so dumb. I didn't know how to operate the machine. I kept prodding it and erasing it cos' it wasn't the settings I wanted. Then Susie saw and appeared next to me, creepy. Then... she taught me how to use the dumb thing. Haha, I was so disturbed by her presence. Haha. Fun fun.

Abandoned Debra all alone halfway through CCA to go training. It was alright, but I'm just so sick of playing goal keeper. I want something that gets more contact with the ball and less pressure really. I tried a bit of defense as well but the field is puny today. Coach did it to make us "create" space I guess but still... Then after that, Terry, Shi Jia (I think that's how you spell it), and I went to Plaza Sing (I got cheated there. They only told me I was at the stop I was suppossed to get off when the bus started moving again.) and ate ice cream.

Which brings us here to me sitting in front of the comp typing this instead of studying Geog like I should. ARGH! But I feel like procrastinating. The very thought of studying irks me. But I guess I'll get moving and try.

Oh yeah, testimony for the day:

Yesterday I badly wanted to NOT study 听写 and cheat this morning during Chinese. But as I was doing TAWG (Time Alone with God) last night, the verse that spoke to me is "Take courage! For just as you have testified about me in Jerusalem, you must testify in Rome, too." so just to share a little, I've always said that the secret to doing reasonably well is due to God's faithfulness and mercy. So like, last time, I wasn't as pressed for time as I am now. So if I don't cheat, my testimony, in a sense, would be stronger cos' I did study it in the end at like... 10 pm.

Ok, something like that. Haha. Thank God for stopping me from doing such a thing.

I'm sleepy, and I need to study. So there. Bye.

Monday Blues

2008-07-21T15:06:00.000+08:00

My Mondays are usually very amped up but not today. Geog was nagging on my mind. Still is actually. I'm just taking a break (as usual. I say that all the time). I spent 80% of the school day studying Geog and there's still loads I haven't covered. Like Channelisation and features and stuff. ARGH!!!!!!!! I'm going crazy. I've only got like...6 hours max left to study. I dunno' if I can actually get it all done. I wanna' research for material to use for the LORMS question as well but I'm worried I ain't got the time. Maybe I'll just take the example from the textbook or something, but I doubt that's gonna' be enough.

And I wanted to play/learn Hockey today but it was raining really heavily so that was thrown out the window. Darn. Rainy days are so dull. They make me wanna' sleep.

Oh I remember! Ms Yee was annoying today. I think she has something against me. I answered her question wrongly and she was like: "What 48." in the really you-think-you're-so-smart-but-you're-not kind of tone. I hate being accused of such things. Why is it that humans have to be so judgemental?

Besides Geog there was another thing bothering me. For CME, the whole cohort went to watch Hotel Rwanda. A movie that shows racial conflicts. What the news reporter said was true: "When people watch this footage, they'll say "Oh My God. This is horrible." then go back to eating their dinners." Why is it that people can't seem to relate to one another well enough to feel those people's pain, their suffering. I'm guilty of this too. When the news of the Earthquake in Si Chuan came I was like: "Another earthquake... damn global warming." So I donated 10 bucks but is that really enough? I think we should all go beyond the monetary issues and work together to find a better solution. Money can do many things, it can rebuild the lives of the survivors, 'earthquake-proof' buildings, help jump start a fallen city. But it can't buy happiness, it can't rebuild the lives of those that were lost, it can't undo the tragedy that has already befallen people.

Earthquakes and natural disasters, are to a certain extent, more forgettable. In the sense that no one alive can control the weather unless you're X-men or something. But the conflicts and bloodshed caused by humans, be it racial discrimination, being unable to let go of the past like revenge and all. Those are the tragedies that will only lead to a vicious cycle. Revenge begets revenge. And so on and so forth. And they tell us "You learn History so you don't repeat the mistakes of the past." Well that statement just got trashed.

Well then, back to the books... And a song that we should all know of. Ok, Brother Andy's singing ain't that fantastic but he's singing for God and that's all that matters. It's called "I will go" on the playlist.

I'm fat...

2008-07-20T18:34:00.000+08:00

And the rant begins. I'm gonna turn fat!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For 2 whole weeks I haven't ran. No sit ups no push ups no running around the estate. And like... every Sunday I stuff my face with biscuits... Something needs to be done. And so I shall start planning my new schedule like... NOW.

Went for Mindchamps today. The 1st half was SOOOOO boring. I think Zobeda (teacher) is getting a lil' old. It's like, the 3rd week she's telling us the same story about her daughter. Haha. She's nice though. And just cos' I feel boasting, my group in Mindchamps is 1st for the 3rd week running! Nice try TE (Twilight-Eclipse) but LKY is always cooler! For your info LKY stands for:

Lee Kuan Yew

Haha. I love my group. So that's pretty much my whole day. So far. I need more excitement! But the only time I think I'm gonna' get that is during TAWG I guess. Or else it's just the books. Dumb Geog. I'm kinda not sure what I should be doing now. I wanna' study, and mug, and I don't wanna at the same time. I wanna get organised and plan a schedule for myself since it's obvious I need one bad. Argh.

A successful person will go ahead with his/her plans and move forward. An unsuccessful person will always INTEND to.

Dang. Sounds like I'm the latter. Time to change that I guess. I was chatting with Hui Min just now and we were like:

Me: I'm fat.
HM: Me too.
Me: I haven't been running.
HM: Me too. XIWEN RUN WITH ME!!!!!
Me: Ok.

And that was it. We're gonna' run on Tues, Thurs and Fri. Sorry DEBRA! Go annoy Rebecca for 20 minutes while I run!

Haha. Guess I shall get to typing out whatever tempo. schedule for now in the next 5 minutes before I head for the books. Oh and before I go, here's a song that has been stuck in my head since yesterday. Scroll down to find out what.

P.S: I learnt a new 'word' from Hui Min today. It is...

Egg-cited

Youll Come - BFR - Hillsong United

Nothing is Impossible

2008-07-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

Procrastinating from studying for a bit...

I overslept big time today, like, I list 3 hours that I could have been studying cos' I felt like sleeping. And I've gotta finish writing my Geog notes by tonight. Writing, not memorising. ARGH!

Went to FUEL. Our cell was actually shrunken cos' Ben, Becky, Laura and Wan Ning had some school event thing. Nick didn't come as well. But then some people from the Sunday session came cos' they couldn't go tomorrow so we weren't that small.

A Leader who makes a difference takes INITIATIVE.

A Leader who makes a differnce has Strong Fighting Spirit

Is what we learnt during FUEL. So true.

Then during service, P. Gary said:

"Nothing is impossible with God. Just believe... You could have failed Chinese for the whole year but with God, you will pass."

And I was like "Then I guess passing SS is possible."

So there. I DECLARE I WILL PASS SS WITH GOD!

Oh and I was/am chatting with Brander Na... I hope she'll decide to come for training though. =) And to Jolene, Debra, and Hui Min:

THANKS FOR LETTING ME ANNOY YOU TODAY WITH GEOG QUESTIONS COS' I DUNNO WHAT SHERWOOD WAS WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you guys. =) In the not gay way.

Oh and before I go... The "altar call song" today:

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, No turning back

There. No turning back.